Much Love
It was good to see responses to my last post. I guess just having people validate my feelings and say, "I know what you mean," leaves me feeling less frustrated. Much love to y'all for taking the time out to send friendly words my way. Definitely appreciated.
I'm feeling better about the marriage portion of things. Huz actually pointed out, "You know, we go somewhere every month, but we haven't gone anywhere in awhile. Maybe it's time?" I'm not saying that's the reason for the Easter blow out, but I do think there's something to it. Not just the getting away, which DEFINITELY helps us, but just spending time together in general.
Recently, I agreed to a volunteer "job" which requires a three day weekend of training. This weekend, in fact. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and fear over being gone from H for the weekend, but after some discussion, we agreed that sight seeing for the day and then staying the night in a hotel prior to him leaving me for Friday and Saturday night would alleviate a lot of problems, including our mutual need to spend some quality time together and my fears about leaving him "alone."
I am actually getting excited about spending time with the huz. Didn't realize it until starting to write about this. You know that little tickle you get... the happy, impatient, aching tickle? I guess it's called anticipation, but you know, I've spent so long avoiding "anticipation" in fear of being let down, I have almost forgotten what it's like.
Things have been filled with change around here, and while it's mostly been for the better, there's been some adjustment. Part of our big emotional explosion was probably due to a lot of these changes. Well, not probably, definitely. Not only are we not "getting away" together, we're not spending the same time together. (More on that in a second.)
He changed to day shift so he wouldn't be away nights. This has dropped almost all of my anxiety over him leaving for work. No joke. I know it's silly, since people can have sex any time of day or night, but I just feel safer knowing he won't have the cover of night to hide behind. Besides, work is busier so there isn't the down time where he could get into as much trouble. I also really like having him near me when we sleep. The kids really like having him home for dinner every night, and even though we've had to adjust dinner time to 7:30 in order to make it work, the kids are old enough it's not that much of an issue.
It has been odd getting used to him going to bed so early, getting up so early, being home so early but mostly it's been good. He's also guaranteed not to work in the areas that would cause him to end up having to work with OW. I guess it's an all around "win", right?
I do miss hanging out late at night with him on his days off after the kids have gone to bed. I do miss him calling me every night to talk to me.
And... there, there it is. Conversation.
My #1 need since the A is honesty/openness. I think that has always been important but it got shuffled right up to the #1 slot after having been lied to for months. But, #2 need and #1 prior to the A is CONVERSATION. Deep conversation. Meaningful conversation.
H doesn't get there easily. It doesn't come natural for him, and not just "well, he's a dude..." - he just doesn't roll that way. Because of hearing/ear problems as a baby/toddler, his speech was delayed. Then he had speech issues and had to be in speech therapy. He doesn't LIKE talking. Truthfully, some of our best conversations have been via email/text, because he opens up then in ways he doesn't when actually speaking.
So without the nightly 20-60min (or more... but shh don't tell his boss) conversations we were having every night, it's just not happening. He leaves for work before I get up and by the time he comes home, he's understandably worn out and just not up for deep conversation.
And here's where it gets messy... without conversation, I feel "disconnected" and so I'm not "affectionate" - his #1 need. He wants me to be clingy and huggy and touchy and kissy and feely and lovey dovey, but I'm like, "Meh... Pass." So he has no interest in my #3 need and his #2 need: SEX.
Right. So we've had sex twice this month. OK OK I know that's not THAT bad, but I had to practically tear his clothes off to make it happen. And then it wasn't because, "Ooh baby I want you," but more like, "We're not having sex and I need to prove things are OK with us!"
The good news? I wanted to practically tear his clothes off to make it happen, and even if it wasn't from lust, it was still because I'm invested enough to try to make things work. The better news? He expressed much love/gratitude/affection after, including bringing me flowers, so he's still invested. (I would have preferred an hour long conversation, but I'm not saying no to flowers!)
Apathy would be very, very bad at this point. So, being off target isn't scaring/upsetting me as much as it was in the last post. At least we're still trying, and still wanting to get back on track. That speaks volumes compared to the way things have been in the past.
I'm feeling better about the marriage portion of things. Huz actually pointed out, "You know, we go somewhere every month, but we haven't gone anywhere in awhile. Maybe it's time?" I'm not saying that's the reason for the Easter blow out, but I do think there's something to it. Not just the getting away, which DEFINITELY helps us, but just spending time together in general.
Recently, I agreed to a volunteer "job" which requires a three day weekend of training. This weekend, in fact. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and fear over being gone from H for the weekend, but after some discussion, we agreed that sight seeing for the day and then staying the night in a hotel prior to him leaving me for Friday and Saturday night would alleviate a lot of problems, including our mutual need to spend some quality time together and my fears about leaving him "alone."
I am actually getting excited about spending time with the huz. Didn't realize it until starting to write about this. You know that little tickle you get... the happy, impatient, aching tickle? I guess it's called anticipation, but you know, I've spent so long avoiding "anticipation" in fear of being let down, I have almost forgotten what it's like.
Things have been filled with change around here, and while it's mostly been for the better, there's been some adjustment. Part of our big emotional explosion was probably due to a lot of these changes. Well, not probably, definitely. Not only are we not "getting away" together, we're not spending the same time together. (More on that in a second.)
He changed to day shift so he wouldn't be away nights. This has dropped almost all of my anxiety over him leaving for work. No joke. I know it's silly, since people can have sex any time of day or night, but I just feel safer knowing he won't have the cover of night to hide behind. Besides, work is busier so there isn't the down time where he could get into as much trouble. I also really like having him near me when we sleep. The kids really like having him home for dinner every night, and even though we've had to adjust dinner time to 7:30 in order to make it work, the kids are old enough it's not that much of an issue.
It has been odd getting used to him going to bed so early, getting up so early, being home so early but mostly it's been good. He's also guaranteed not to work in the areas that would cause him to end up having to work with OW. I guess it's an all around "win", right?
I do miss hanging out late at night with him on his days off after the kids have gone to bed. I do miss him calling me every night to talk to me.
And... there, there it is. Conversation.
My #1 need since the A is honesty/openness. I think that has always been important but it got shuffled right up to the #1 slot after having been lied to for months. But, #2 need and #1 prior to the A is CONVERSATION. Deep conversation. Meaningful conversation.
H doesn't get there easily. It doesn't come natural for him, and not just "well, he's a dude..." - he just doesn't roll that way. Because of hearing/ear problems as a baby/toddler, his speech was delayed. Then he had speech issues and had to be in speech therapy. He doesn't LIKE talking. Truthfully, some of our best conversations have been via email/text, because he opens up then in ways he doesn't when actually speaking.
So without the nightly 20-60min (or more... but shh don't tell his boss) conversations we were having every night, it's just not happening. He leaves for work before I get up and by the time he comes home, he's understandably worn out and just not up for deep conversation.
And here's where it gets messy... without conversation, I feel "disconnected" and so I'm not "affectionate" - his #1 need. He wants me to be clingy and huggy and touchy and kissy and feely and lovey dovey, but I'm like, "Meh... Pass." So he has no interest in my #3 need and his #2 need: SEX.
Right. So we've had sex twice this month. OK OK I know that's not THAT bad, but I had to practically tear his clothes off to make it happen. And then it wasn't because, "Ooh baby I want you," but more like, "We're not having sex and I need to prove things are OK with us!"
The good news? I wanted to practically tear his clothes off to make it happen, and even if it wasn't from lust, it was still because I'm invested enough to try to make things work. The better news? He expressed much love/gratitude/affection after, including bringing me flowers, so he's still invested. (I would have preferred an hour long conversation, but I'm not saying no to flowers!)
Apathy would be very, very bad at this point. So, being off target isn't scaring/upsetting me as much as it was in the last post. At least we're still trying, and still wanting to get back on track. That speaks volumes compared to the way things have been in the past.
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