Much Better Today

I went to my therapist today and when I first walked in she asked me if it’s getting nicer out.  Yes.  I sat down and told her I want to do 4 things today and tomorrow and not have any accidents on Thursday.  She nodded yes.  I told her it didn’t matter what we did when – maybe she can help me figure it out.  First I want to role pay with her being my husband and son and me needing to go to the bathroom and then having an accident.  She wasn’t clear if I actually wanted to have an accident.  I said yes, then no, then yes again.  I don’t want to but to be in the real situation and have the feelings I need to.    The second was to try Big Bertha out.  I went far away to buy a different brand.  It was really hard and I also looked around the store – even in the childrens section for different products.  The third is to go next door and go to the bakery counter and the fourth is go outside and walk to try to keep calm about it.  She asked me what I want to do first.  I told her I better do Big Bertha.  She knows how much I hate that.  Then I asked her what else.  She said maybe the roll playing in case we need to continue with something tomorrow.  She asked me if I wanted to do Big Bertha first.  No.    First she wanted to finish about what happened last week.  I’m glad she did because I was feeling bad and it was left hanging.  She asked me what I thought happened.  I said I think I panicked.  She said I didn’t look like I was panicking on the outside but I felt it on the inside.  Yes.  She said that in that type of situation I’m not in control both ways.  I nodded.  She continued that I can’t control it myself and I’m not in control of the situation on the outside.  Yes – that is very hard.  Anytime there is a locked door, or a line or like when I’m in the car and it’s far away it’s the same kind of feelings.  She understands.  So we started to talk about how to do this.  I showed her what I brought.  First I gave her the info I got her about breast cancer (information booklets) and the leaflet about Laugh Yoga.  I told her the info she might have but she seemed greatfull I got it for her and took it.  I had a towel in case we did it in her office pretending we were in a car.  I had my pajama bottoms and that new Big Bertha.  I had extra clothes in which I brought for her to put away in her drawer in which I asked her to put away then and she did.  I even had extra extra clothes in my purse.    While we were talking about it I needed to go to the bathroom and told her we can’t talk for long.  She was concerned we wouldn’t have enough time to talk about it and maybe we should do Big Bertha first.  I again said no, it’ll be OK.  She wanted to know how I’d react in doing this.  I said I didn’t know and probably won’t until we do it.  So she decided we’ll go outside and walk like we do.  I had mentioned about the car thing or standing by the bathroom door earlier but she chose this.  When we left I took my purse and she said that was good because that’s realistic – with my extra clothes inside.    So we left and walked out and down the stairs.  I told her that she has to be not so nice.  Earlier I said my husband would just say, ‘come on, my name’ and I don’t know how my son would react.  He has no idea and I haven’t seen him in so long.  He’s been away a year, before that in another town and before that at college.  She said but I’ve talked to him on the phone enough to know he can go on and on about things.  She commented that I might want to talk to my husband before and plan out what to do.  Then we went down the second stairs to outside in back and started to walk around the back parking lot.    I think I cut the first turn short and we weren’t even around a whole time and I said, “I’m going.”  I think I leaned over like I do.  So immediately when I told her that we started walking back.  I was wetting my pants the whole time, again lagging behind her.  It’s harder to walk when you are peeing and I think she also does that for my privacy.  So she doesn’t see anything.  It was pretty far down both legs but I don’t think she look – not obvious anyway.    We hesitated at the door because we saw someone inside at the front door.  I asked who that was but she didn’t answer.  Didn’t know I guess.  She lead the way down the stairs to the bottom level.  I was behind her hesitating and waiting to know the status of the office door down there.  The door was open but she quietly said to me, “Come on.  It’s OK.”  She walked ahead all the way up to the office door to cover for me while she motioned to me to go in.  No one was there thank goodness but that’s so nice of her to cover for me like that just in case there was.  She would have gone in to talk to them like she did once.  Very nice!  So I went into the bathroom to change and came back out, with my bag, to where she was waiting for me by the stairs.  We smiled and went back up the stairs.  First she asked me if I wanted to go next door now.  I said no because I want to go when I have to go to the bathroom.  She said we will continue with the role playing when we get back upstairs to her office.  That’s what we did.    Outside and upstairs she pretended like she was my son and not very nice about it.  Like he can’t believe I have to go again and he can’t believe I had an accident and such.  I don’t remember much but I think she said like, “Mom, what just happened?  The bathroom was just up ahead.”  She knows how he can go on and on about things.  I said I would eventually tell him to stop and say ‘enough’ or grab my IPod and start listening to my music.  I do remember when we first started walking I told her I’d need to tell my husband that I needed to go to the bathroom.  She asked me how I would say it.  “I need to go to the bathroom,” and chuckled a little knowing I just repeated exactly what I just said.  Other than that I’m pretty much a blank and I hate that because I need to remember for real life.  When we were back in her office she asked me what I would like to say to him, even if I don’t.  That I couldn’t help it.  That’s me.  It happens sometimes.  To leave me alone about it – I don’t want to talk about it.  She added that I’m trying the best I can.  Yes.  She told me he could say I did what he does only she said it in a not so nice way that he would say it.  I said back to her that that would be good because then I can say, ‘if you can do it, I can do it.’  We both said how he probably won’t say that.  I told her I noticed and was surprised how quiet I got.  She said I managed to get a few words out and sometimes I don’t talk at all.  So that was good.  I told her I have no idea what I said.  She said that I stuck up for myself and said I really needed to find a place to go.  I can’t remember anything else she said.  I hate that!  So I’m guessing some of that silence is she is just waiting for me to talk but when it’s that bad it’s hard to talk because I’m concentrating so hard on not going.  That’s why it’s nice when she talks and I can just listen to try to focus on something else.    She told me I shouldn’t wait until the last minute to try to find a bathroom.  I should start out soon.  I said that when you’re traveling, and she knows because she travels, there aren’t always bathrooms around.  And you don’t know where they are and you have to find them.  That can be hard.  She nodded like she knows. I said that if it’s in the car and we are out in the middle of no where I’ll have to ask my husband to pull over for me.  Not when we will be in the big cities but in the middle of no where which we will be a lot.  So we went on talking about other things.  I brought my list out because whenever I know I’m going to have ‘one of those weekends’ I write so I can remember.  But before I get into that I want to talk about trying out Big Bertha when I needed to go to the bathroom again.  It was during our talking about other things.  I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and we went on just a little more.  Soon I told her that I’m really needing to go and she asked me if I wanted to put Big Bertha on.  OK but she knows how I really don’t want to.    She turned around.  I got it out but I wanted her to look to see how big it was.  She turned back around and asked me, “Do you have time?”  Yes.  I wanted to compare it to the other one.  So she got it out of the drawer and we looked folded an unfolded.  The new one is larger and goes up so much higher at the top.  She said maybe that’s a good thing because of the way I lay.  But it didn’t look like it was in the protection area.  I did tell her there were 2 types and she asked me which one I got.  I got the one with the most protection.  So she turned back around and just before that said t me, “You’ve got time.”  I replied back, “I don’t think so,” while I started changing and then “At least I got my pants off this time.”   So I put her on and my pajama bottoms over.  I actually had to go so bad I peed just a little and my underwear was wet but I didn’t say a thing.  She didn’t need to know that.  She turned around and I asked her to look.  She looked in front and in back and said she sees a little in the back.  I could hear this one more and she told me to walk and said she couldn’t hear much.  She knew how badly I needed to go.  A couple times during I said so and leaned over or moved around or something.  After I walked to her I was saying, “I really need to go,” and sat down on the couch really trying to hold it.  She asked me if I wanted to put the towel down.  No, plastic (a plastic bag) and that’s what I did and asked her to sit or lay on the floor with me.  She sat.  I laid on top of the plastic bag.  As soon as I did I said, “Oh, I can’t hold it at all.”  I think she said, “That’s OK” but I’m not sure.   I looked down and I think she did that looking up or away thing.  I just peed and a couple times felt each side of myself by the plastic bag hoping it didn’t get on her carpet and mumbling that.  When I was done she asked me if she should look or both of us.  I sat up and looked, and checked her floor again at the same time, and we both saw it worked.  Yeah!  I was so happy!  We found something that worked.  I even said how I had to turn the front down – it was so high.  She said one more thing to check off not to worry about.  I had said how worried I was about this especially at my cousins.  I did say it felt damp but not wet and that was good.  Yes!!!!  So I changed while she turned around and told her to turn back around when I was done.  I didn’t say but I hate all those bags with wet clothes!  We talked more about stuff and do you know that at the end – maybe 15 minutes later – I had to go again.  But it was at the very end and I didn’t even say anything.  She didn’t need to know again.  I just went before I went to the massage therapist and she (the massage therapist) did see me but didn’t say a word.  Why would she?  She wouldn’t.    So now we can move on after Big Bertha.  I let out a big sigh.  She knows how hard doing Big Bertha is for me.  It’s the hardest.  I picked up my IPod in which I didn’t put all the way away from when I walked in at the beginning listening to my music.  I had said I wanted to how her something later.  So she pulled her chair closer to me and I turned it on, sat it on my lap upside down for me but right side up for her.    I first told her someone on one of my sites sent it to me.  But it’s really silly and I would die – crawl in a corner and never come out – if this happened to me.  It’s about a product they made up.  “Invented like you should do?” she asked.  No, a medicine product.  And I wish there was such a thing.  So I started it and we watched.  It was a funny commercial of people having accidents and for the “Holding It” product.  I laughed softly during the whole thing and I don’t know how many times she said, “Oh my gosh!”  A lot.    After she asked me how that was for me to watch.  I said that it was nice that other people have this problem.  And they make it like no big deal.  She said it looks like it was professionally done and maybe on Saturday Night Live.  I don’t know – it was on You Tube.  She said that others have the same problem as myself and even worse!  She laughed at how the lady just hung up the pants just how wet they were.  And I commented – three of them!  It was funny and she thanked me for sharing it with her.  She said it was someone who understands who sent it to me.   OK, so here is what we talked about my weekend.  First Thursday.  I said that like I said on my message my friends were all there first and I didn’t get a chance to check to see where the bathrooms were.  I didn’t like that.  It was a big open area in the lobby and we ate first.  So after when we were checking everything out I saw a bathroom and went.  And I went before a 10 minute table massage we all signed up for.  One of my friends, the other one’s sister, asked me if I still have my problem.  I told her yes and I’ve tried 4 different medicines and nothing has worked.  So, it’s probably something I have to live with.  She pointed out that it could be something worse.  She is right on that.  My therapist agreed.   I saw other people there I knew from winning my trip I said hi to.  They wanted me to talk on camera but – no.  I saw my travel agent and she said she woke up in the middle of the night thinking about me how I want to extend my trip and how I can fly to a different city.  I told my therapist that if we stay longer we’ll miss Halloween and the haunted house next door and the kids.  But we bought candy (we have over 100 kids) and I showed my kids where it is in case we get delayed or miss our flight and they have to come and give it out.  And if we go early we plan on celebrating my granddaughter’s birthday that Sunday before.  She asked me when I’m going.  Monday through Friday.  She said that is short.    I told her about the Laughter Yoga and she might be interested in it.  One thing she talked about was the peeing dog.  Then she said, “Can you imagine us all on the floor peeing on each other?”  Everyone laughed.  She has to be kidding!  My therapist said there is a yoga position – a dog position – and she’s doing a take off on that.  OK.  I did talk to the instructor for a while because her Dad (he died last November) was engaged to my Mom.  We did lots of catch-up about kids and stuff.  Then Friday how I went to that far away store to buy the Depends for Women.  And how it was hard and I carried it covered and checked out real fast.  She said it’s good I did that.  How my body hurt all day because I was so tense.  Well, Thursday with her was so hard and I’m so afraid about getting sick before the trip and you hear so much about the Swine flu every time you turn on TV.  My husband said that I’m always so tense because I’m always afraid I’ll go to the bathroom all over the place even when I’m on the phone.  That’s not true and I told him so.  He wasn’t nice about it.  She said he made me feel badly about it.  Yes – he did.  She also said that worrying so much can make you sick.  I know – it lowers your resistance.  I said we can’t get sick and be miserable with all that driving we have to do.  And it wouldn’t be fair to my aunt or cousins.  Then I talked about Balloon Boy and how he threw up on the Today Show.  I got on line and found the clip.  I tried to watch it but put my hand to cover.  I couldn’t watch.  It wasn’t like with her and she watches first.  I did hear it though.  I said that maybe I’ll copy it to my IPod and we’ll watch it together after the trip.  Yes, she agreed that we have too much to do before it.    Then I talked about the baby shower.  It was fine but the person pregnant had to go to the bathroom and they talked about pregnant women having to go a lot.  I swear my one friend who gave me the hard time about it glanced at me.  I just didn’t want to hear that conversation or be there.  I just looked down.  She said maybe she was looking for me reaction like she cared.  I said no, she doesn’t care.  Maybe she was just seeing if I’d say something about me.  No way.    My daughter and I went to the baby shower while her boyfriend took my grandson to the Humane Society and we met back at my house after.  He was sneezing and his nose was running.  He always wants to do projects so he’s at my dining room table, kitchen table all over.  They went to a concert and he was supposed to sleep over.  I called my daughter (I need to take care of myself, too) and told her we’re already exposed but if he has a cold the more exposure the more likely we’ll get it.  We can’t get it.  I told her to go to the concert and pick him up after.  We’ll have a sleepover another time.  She asked how he felt about it and I told him in a good way and he was OK about it.  But once he wanted to call his Mom up to say he feels better but I said another time he’ll have a sleep over.    I think this is when I needed to go to the bathroom again for Big Bertha.  But we were able to finish the story.  We also talked about how I won’t see the kids until next Sunday for my granddaughter’s birthday.  Last week I took my grandson to school (sometimes I have to do that) and I don’t think I’ll need to this week and I don’t have to watch them here.  Sometimes my granddaughter calls, “I miss you Nana.”  And with her missing a week with them I’ll have to watch both kids their next time.  I told my daughter’s boyfriend that but he didn’t say anything.  She just nodded like she knew.  I said on Sunday we need to do lunch because we have to get up so early to go to the airport the next morning (like 4AM to get up).  So I worry so much about this and I wish I didn’t.  She said I’m working on it.  That should be my goal not to worry so much.  Yes, that would be nice I said.    So after Big Bertha we picked up again about a friend of mine from my high school reunion.  I said his name and she said she knows him.  Her husband went to high school and college with him and they were kind of friends.  She remembers his ex-wife a little, too.  I said, “You know he died?”  She didn’t.  Yes.  I saw him, ate dinner at the same table with him last Saturday and he died 6 days later.  He didn’t show any indications of it.  It was kidney failure.  I had talked to my ‘brother friend’ on his birthday (we call each other on our birthdays) and he said he couldn’t get a transplant because it was past something and he gets dialysis 3 times a week.   After another reunion, 5 years ago, another classmate died.  Creepy.  She said her husband was in the class before mine so I said that would be my best friend who died, her class.  And I used to work for his ex-wife’s Dad.  He was so nice and not like some of the snobby clicky ones at that school.  She’ll tell her husband.  I’m surprised she shared she knew him but I’m glad.  More of a real person and I like her to share stuff.  This one sided stuff is hard. I also told her I saw the guy I really liked in Junior High and who he is.  I even got his name tag on me and teased about that.  I said after seeing him and our hug – that was it, I was ready to go.    She did say how what my friend said about there being worse that this is an example of this guy.  I have something that’s inconvenient but it’s not life threatening like he had.  She’s right.  And she pointed out that he maybe had the urgency like I do with his disease I think so say I’m not alone.    Then we moved on to yesterday.  My grandson’s Sunday school is sponsoring a trip for 25 that would be cool or my daughter and I to do.  If we can afford it.  But, here we go again!  Yes, she knows.  And they might go to the city my grandson was born to show him the hospital and around town and I might go, too.  She knows how much I like to travel, love adventures and said how great it is that I’m doing all these opportunities.  I said I do but I get so scared and we have to work so hard together before each one.  I’d like to get to the point that I can just go.  She knows but wanted to point out to me that it’s great I’m doing them.  And how I just need to be prepared with lot & lots of clothes with me.  “Lots?” I questioned.  She smiled.    I said how they came in yesterday with my grandson’s sheets of when he wet his bed two times in a row.  I guess they set them aside.  They wanted to wash them at my house.  I didn’t make a big deal about it.  And how my daughter, her boyfriend and my son were all into their IPods and phones at one time.  I hate that.  So finally I sat down and we began talking.    So it was about time to go and I squeezed in about their dog (they all bring there dogs over) throwing up on my carpet yesterday.  I said something and then left the room like always.  They said it was just mucus.  She commented that they all know how I am.  Yes.  I also commented how tomorrow we’ll go next door.  I think she snickered.  Don’t know why – planning everything like I try to do and she never knows what we are going to do or what’s up my sleeve – maybe.  I handed her the check, said I’ll see her tomorrow, grabbed my bags and she told me to enjoy my massage.  I told her to put away the other bag (had those other products in it) because I don’t even like to look at it.  I went to the bathroom and in for my massage.  We talked about how I was not near as tight in my back like I was last time.  That was good.  I alluded to how hard it was for me that day but no clue as to what.  Hiding, hiding.  I’m pretty good at this.  But what happens if I get caught off guard.  I’ll try to be prepared and hope for the best - that’s what.