Much Better

Much better this time.  I am thinking how glad I am, and greatfull, I’m going twice a week now so I didn’t have to wait until the end of the week to see my therapist.  Most of this weekend I stayed in my “shame” mode and just feeling really bad about myself.  When I came in she asked me how I was feeling.  I told her when I left on Thursday I had to pick my grandson up.  We always do projects together and even then it was hard for me to focus.  I kept thinking and visualizing what happened and just feeling bad.  Then all Thursday night, Friday (except for the part of the seminar I went to), all Friday afternoon & night, all day Saturday and Saturday night I felt bad.  She seemed surprised it lasted so long.   Better yesterday because I had my planning meeting and then my kids came over last night.  Today starting again but trying to keep it away.   I asked her what she thinks happened that made it so bad, so much shame this time when I was doing so good.  She said, yes the shame was an old behavior.  I haven’t done that in a while.  My having an accident wasn’t any different for her this last time and she too wondered what made this different, more difficult for me.  She thought what I read on my daughter’s Twitter made me feel bad about myself.  I said no, I didn’t think that was it.  Then she thought about me being in pajamas and that stirs up things for me.  I think I said I didn’t think so or I didn’t know.  I said maybe because she was right there and I didn’t want her to see anything.  She said it was no different than walking or standing.  I stood up and showed her how it was.  How sitting she was at eye level and could see and when we are standing and walking she’s on my eye level.    I told her how I counted and after today we only have 5 more times.  She just said with enthusiasm and using her hands, “We’ll just have to do everything in 5 times.”  See, I won’t see her the whole week before I go because she’ll be out of town.  I told her how it’s a good thing I had that protection on because if I didn’t it would have been bad, really bad.  She just listened.  I told her also that I didn’t expect it to happen and maybe that’s what made me feel so badly.  Maybe.  I had planned on trying out the overnight pad laying down and we didn’t get to do it.    So she thought the light thing would be good but guessed I had come in with an agenda.  Yes.  I told her I wanted to try again with the other sample overnight pad I had.  I don’t want to put in on right away because it feels terrible.  I don’t want wait too long because I want to be able to test it.  She even said that once.  So I said I wanted to look at it.  Last time I just put it on and didn’t do that.  So I had her open it and look.  She thought we had one like this last year.  I didn’t think so.  She said you can’t tell a front from the back and it has more padding in the middle.  She said it seems like it might not stay in place.  She gave it to me to hold and look.  I said it’s like a diaper with the gathers.  Like a half a diaper.  It’s so wide and thick.  Kind of like after you have a baby and you bleed a lot and you have to wear those thicker pads.  But this is thicker, wider.  I told her how I can’t put it more in the front or more in the back because I don’t know how I’ll be sleeping.  She knows I usually sleep on my tummy although not that long ago I told her I’ve been also waking up on my back.  So we just went on talking until I needed to go to the bathroom.  Since the pink bottoms you could detect more under (I thought that’s what she said – that’s when I had to go so badly) I brought back the purple ones.  She verified that yes, you could see more with the pink ones.  In a few minutes she turned around and I put the pad and the pajama bottoms on.  She turned back around and looked and had me walk to look and listen.  She said she couldn’t see.  I showed her where the pad came up to in the front and in the back.  I’m not sure if it’ll work.  I sat down.  I really need to have to go by then.    Before I did this, before I laid down I told her I just have to look at it as it being OK.  If my pants get wet it’s OK.  She thought I meant in the hotel with my friends.  No, here.  She said this is just an experiment.  So she though my attitude was great and just before I laid down she asked me what the motivational speaker would have said.  I read from my booklet I brought what she had said.  That was great.    So she asked me how I wanted to do this.  I asked her if she could lay down with me.  Yes.  She laid down, well on her forearms, and laid quite a ways from me like she would have been one of my friends in bed.  I think she didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable being too close.  I said that’s an awfully big bed.  She said she was on the next bed.  She just talked and talked and all the time looked away until I went to the bathroom.  She told me earlier she wasn’t going to look and see my wet pants if that happened.  I think she wanted to place herself as far away from me, with still being there for me, so that I wouldn’t feel the shame or embarrassment.    She talked about how we’d be sleeping and such.  She didn’t even see me struggling or see me going to the bathroom like in the past.  That was great, although it may be unreal because people will look, because I always feel so self-conscience with her seeing me do any of this.  Peeing right in front of her is tough enough – even with a pad on!  With or without really!   But I still have to get over this hurdle of not wanting anyone to see anything.   It wasn’t too long, but seemed forever, until I went to the bathroom.  She may have heard a little verbal struggle but other than that she didn’t know when I was going so I had to tell her when I was done.  I’m not sure what I said.  Maybe just a plain, “OK.”  She then turned toward me.  I think she asked me how I was feeling.   So now I needed to see if it worked because I had no idea.  She said to pretend like I was waking up in the middle of the night.  And that I’d have some extra pajama bottoms right by my bed.  I said with my kids trip I was against the wall so I could do that but last year with my friends I wasn’t and I wouldn’t be able to.  She asked why not.  Because they’d see, even in a little case, and they’d ask.  I don’t think she thinks that’s a problem like I do.    Well, I looked down and the first thing I saw was I got her carpet wet.  I told her.  She didn’t want me to feel bad.  She said it can be cleaned up.  I said I didn’t know how the rest of it was.  She asked me if she should turn around while I look.  Yes.  And soon I changed too.  It was really bad – all over the front of my pajamas.  But luckily only a little got on the carpet in that one area.  She said she raised 2 kids and they made messes and their friends made messes.  Like it’s OK, she’s used to that.    She asked me if I needed anything – like a plastic bag.  No – I have a plastic bag.  So she asked if I wanted her to leave or turn around while I changed because by then I told her I wanted to.  I told her to turn around so that’s what I did.  I changed and sat back on the couch and told her I was done.  She turned around and lifted her arms up in the air again like “Yeah”.  I guess it’s the OK, don’t feel bad thing.  I commented earlier, when she first turned around, that her shelf is going to be the most organized with all this.  She said it needs it.  I don’t think it’s bad.  I think she just said that.   So we both looked at the wet spot on the carpet and she could tell I felt bad although I didn’t really say.  I kind of sighed and made a face.  She didn’t want me to feel ashamed and I didn’t either but looking at it was hard and having her see it was harder.  She asked me if we should clean it up.  I think she could tell I didn’t want to look at it.  Yes!  So she went to the bathroom and got some wet and dry paper towels.  She came back with that and a bottle saying, “Look what else I found.  Some carpet cleaner.”  So she asked me if I wanted to do it or her.  I think she already knew the answer to that question especially if she remembered when it got on the floor downstairs a little once.  She even said about me being a Mom and wanting to do it myself.  Yes, so I cleaned it up.  The bottle wouldn’t spray so she told me to open it up.  I then spilled some out on the towel.  Actually it cleaned up quite nicely and I was so, so glad!  She tried to make me feel better by saying her partner spilled soup in little drip drops all over the carpeting once and had to clean it up – in a rather large area.  I commented there wasn’t much left in the bottle.   I didn’t know what to do with the wet paper towels.  First she said to throw it in her trashcan and then she said the one in the bathroom so that’s what I did and came right back.  So after it was cleaned up she said the only failure in this is if I take the shame on.  She actually said this a couple times today.  She didn’t want me to do that again.  I know.  She knows when I feel the shame and feel so badly about myself I feel like a failure, too.  She wanted it to stay with that lady we used and the rock.  Before I also got it out of the cabinet because it’s shame and hiding in there.  I set her on top, with the rock, just to watch.  At the end we didn’t move her back so it’ll be interesting to see if she’s still there or not on Thursday when I come back.  We also came to the conclusion that pad doesn’t work and I know, although I didn’t say, will have to go with Big Bertha.  She said I could use this when I need to during the day and soon I won’t even know I’m wearing it.  Is she kidding?  She knows I won’t do that.  I think she’s just hoping and pushing a little harder than she usually does.  I told her about what happened at the seminar I went to.  How at first I didn’t want to drink anything.  But I found where the bathrooms were and said I shouldn’t be doing this to myself.  I did end up drinking some juice earlier and very little at lunch.  My friend wanted to stand in line when we just got there for registration and there were so many people you couldn’t even see where the bathrooms were.  I felt better, less worrisome, after I went.  And I went at every single break there was even not having to go.  And just looking at the lines send me into a panic.  She commented how lines and not knowing where the bathrooms are and lots of people are triggers for me.  Yes.  And when we left to go the bathrooms were filling up and I told my friend that I knew someone who was here last week and she said to use the bathrooms upstairs so that’s what we did.  I thanked her again, for that tip.  I told her how one of the seminars was about Urinary Incontinence.  Wow – she asked me if I knew ahead of time.  No.  She was surprised and thought that was great.   I said how I’ll go independently of my friends to things, like the other one we went to, and how my friend went with me to this one.  I wasn’t crazy about that.  She asked if she had a problem.  No – I’m not sure why she went – maybe to learn more about me.  And the other one was crowded, I’m not crazy about crowds but I found a place to sit in the back on a table.    Then the motivational speaker was great!  Super!  I told her how I even saw her after waiting for her shuttle, talked to her, gave her a hug.  That’s when I didn’t feel the shame during this part of the seminar.  She had us all going, shaking hands and everything swine flu scare or not.  She was right after lunch and it came so quickly I didn’t have a chance to go to the bathroom before she began.  I went at noon and by 1:30 or 1:45 I really started worrying.  It popped in my mind a few times before then but by then I knew I had to just worrying about it.  So I waited until after an activity and had to walk from the front of the room to the back in front of everyone.  I wasn’t crazy about it but thought it could be anyone having to do that.  Great attitude she told me.  She said people probably didn’t even notice.  No, they did notice.  But she said sometimes people’s phones are on vibrate and they have to get it or make a phone call and have to leave.  Yes.  But she thought it was great how I took care of myself by doing this.  I told her I had to.  I left the booklet with her to read things – even other things she might be interested in.  But she asked me if I learned anything from the Urinary thing I went to.  I told her I circled things, starred them, made notes that she can read.  She asked me if I want to go over it better after the trip.  Maybe.  But I told her one thing he said kind of was what I’ve been saying all along.  That an overactive bladder is not a problem with your bladder.  It’s more a neurological thing with your brain and signals and your spine.  And, that’s what I’ve been thinking all along because the medicine doesn’t work for me.  And it might have to do with the encephalitis I had when I was little (she nodded).  But I think it’s a combination too with the muscles and the spasms.  And that people with over active bladder, when the bladder is filling, most people don’t notice until they need to go to the bathroom and we notice before then.  So we talked some more about stuff.  Soon I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom again.  “I feel like I need to go to the bathroom again,” I told her.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  I said no.  Then an idea popped in my head.  I told her I don’t know if I really have to go or not so I wanted to walk next door to the store.  I can go to the bathroom there if I needed to.  It’s not too bad now.  We’ll buy something at the bakery and this will be good because when we do this and I really have to go it’ll be good practice and hopefully successful today.  So without hesitation off we went after I reached in my purse to get my 5.00.     It was such a nice day.  We walked right over to the bakery counter and first looked.  I asked her what she wanted.  She said nothing, she’s fine.  I insisted.  So we looked and she said she’d get whatever I’m getting.  So when the man was done right before us, just then I got 2 of them – in separate bags.  I needed to go and once looked at her.  She mouthed if I wanted to go.   No.  Later I asked her if she thought the girl could notice.  She said no, she was tired.  She could tell by my face but that’s because she knows how to read it.    She put them into 2 bags I gave her the 5.00 and I turned to look at my therapist and said, “I better go,” and took off towards the bathrooms.  I think she glanced back there earlier when she knew I was needing to go pretty badly.  I guess just to make sure that’s where they were in case I needed to.  So she said, “I’ll wait here.”  I went and came back.  She was still at the counter waiting.  Some guy said something to me about walking fast on the way back.  I think I cheerfully told him, “No, I’m fine.”  That was the same guy who had the encounter with the dollar bill she was watching and was fascinated by when I was gone.  She told me the story on the way out.  Later I asked her if the girl had noticed I was gone.  She said no and I could have gone to another part of the store, or even the bathroom, that would be OK.  So we walked out together with her handing me my change.  She held on to the bags and gave me mine after we sat down back in her office.  As soon as we got out to the store I said, “Wooo, that was close!”  She echoed it like she could tell maybe.  I think she said, “Just made it?”  Then she asked me if I went enough to warrant the urgency (not exactly those words).  No.  I told her see, I don’t know if I really had to go that badly or not.  She mentioned about me being nervous.  We talked later in her office and she asked me if I can tell the difference when I have to go that badly if I do or not or if I’m just scared.  I told her I couldn’t tell the difference.  I don’t know until I actually go.  I told her it’s good that I was OK that I can do it.  I told her I thought I better go because I had to be able to make it back.  Yeah, I was probably scared.  In her office she reminded again of the Trauma Seminar she just went to that the speaker said when you are in trauma your body, everyone’s, reacts that you have to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes.   She mentioned that there were times I had an accident going to and from, I’d go into the downstairs bathroom and she had to go get me my clothes from her office.  If I didn’t make it this time I wouldn’t have had clothes with me.  So, especially on my trip, I need to have my clothes with me.  I thought I did on my trip with the kids but then remembered I didn’t because they had me holding stuff all the time.  I did keep clothes in the car all the time.  She asked me if I’ll always be near my car.  No.  So I need to have them with me and just slip in somewhere and change like maybe they won’t even know.  I didn’t say but yeah right – they’ll know.  But the point was to keep extra clothes with me at all times.   We talked about going to the diamond or crystal mines and it being out in the open and nothing out there.  How I told my friends already we might not want to go for a long time.  I told her how I like to do things and at least try them – that’s how I am.  She said I should call and see if they have porta potties.  I told her I called one (she wasn’t surprised) and they said it’s in the gift shop a ways away.  We talked a little about how I can’t just ‘go’ out there like on a trail and she said like next to a tree.  I said especially if there are other people out there.  So she said after half hour I may need to walk back by myself to go and then come back.   We talked a little about my friend who was acting weird seems to be OK now and I’ll just be myself.  I said she even called me today about dresses and yesterday at our meeting she said how I told her to her Mexico trip I told her just perfectly what to bring.  So we actually made a list for her.  I even said, which was good, about how I have to bring a little more “just because” or “just in case.”  She asked if they knew why, what I meant.  I think so.  I told her I just don’t want to have accidents.  She knows and said even if I do they’ll still like me no matter what.  I think she remembers I said that on my message to her Thursday night.  What I need to not do is get in that shame mode and get cranky towards them if I do.  That wouldn’t be good.    I said how the husband of one, who we have breakfast with every Sunday morning, made fun of me by saying I have to stop 38 times.  And when I got up to go to the bathroom asked me if that was one of the 38 times.  I must have looked embarrassed because, for the first time, he usually doesn’t say this, he apologized for embarrassing me.    We talked about how I’m the President (like he says) and leader.  I’m the one with the computer typing things in, making phone calls, telling people to call me back and such.  I’m the one who did the itinerary and I’m the one who gets things going all the time.  I told her, don’t get me wrong, I like being in control (in a good way) like this but sometimes I wish others would do it.  She said they are so used to me doing it they just don’t.  She said about the control, I feel like at least I have control over these things when I don’t always have control of the other.  She motioned to my bladder area.    She just didn’t want me to leave in my shame mode and said again that that would be the only failure.  Before I left I did say, “Well, I peed on your carpet …”  She made it like no big deal (it wasn’t very much really) and I need to leave, enjoy my massage, enjoy this bright sunny day and go do something good.  She’s going to eat her treat I bought her and enjoy this bright sunny day.  I left not feeling badly.  She’s very good, very nice.  She also said it’s OK to go to the bathroom before the massage – lots of people do.  I nodded but said it’s only for 10 minutes.