Moving on again...

I came to another cross roads again.  I was involved with a man who was a traveling carpenter.  I fell head over heels in love with him. Caught up in the romance and heady animal attraction, I ignored a few warning signs... he seemed to be hiding something, got seriously quiet and withdrawn at times. He went home every month to visit his family (parents and daughter). The first two times he went home he kept in touch frequently and called often. The next two times he rarely called unless he was out somewhere (and he was always headed somewhere where he couldn't hear me or was going to lose the connection) so our calls were like five minutes, barely long enough to say more than hello. He did text me often, but that really isn't a reliable form of communication. I'd send a few sentences and get 2 word replies... any way, the last time I saw him I asked him questions about how we were going to keep in touch, when we could see each other, and where he figured our relationship was going. The only answer I got was "this ol' world ain't so big" and then silence. Several times after that I questioned him, his intentions and how he expected me to hang on when we hardly talked. I got appologies and half assed attempts (just enough to give me a crumb of hope...) I figure any man that loved a woman the way he claimed he loved me would have done everything he could to make time to see me. I got alot of excuses. I tried to accept the circumstances, but felt really lost. I kept him informed of how I was feeling. I did learn to be a bit more open about my feelings, it put me outside my comfort zone... but I got very little response... I accepted his silence as his answer... anything times ZERO is ZERO... I kept hoping for a while that his circumstances were the blame... but common sense finally over road the nonsense.
Back in May I met a really nice guy, a local man. We had plans for Memorial Day, and he didn't call. Come to find out he ended up in the hospital from a relapse due to his previous heart surgery... I just decided to keep it friendly and wait and see...  3 weeks ago I ran into him again. We had a wonderful evening. He came to my work one day and surprised me with a rose. I had to be honest with him at that point and told him about my other relationship.  He said he wouldn't pressure me to make a choice, but until I did, we couldn't be anything more than friends, said he'd been cheated on in his past and wouldn't get involved with someone who was in a relationship. Wow... so what to do... I really like this man, kind, considerate, respectful, hell of a kisser... LOL...
Well, a few sleepless nights later I realized I could have my fantasy love with my traveling carpenter, or I could have the here and now with the new guy. I made a decision and texted him to tell him it was over.  I kept it simple, stating that I really did want to see him again but couldn't deal with the pain of knowing he'd leave me again, reminded him of the chances I gave him to open up to me, and left it at that.  His response, to the supposed "love of his life" was 2 whole words... "I understand".  That stung a bit. I'm still feeling the loss of my hopes and dreams I created with him, but living in reality is so much better.
I had an amazing day yesterday. I met my new boyfriends mother and two of her friends.  I was so nervous at first. After I met his mom, we chatted for a while. Then she got quiet, looked me in the eye and said, "Now I know why Danny likes you so much." I asked her why and she said "Aside from the fact that you are a very beautiful woman, you are very personable, a great conversationalist and very intelligent." I was floored!! I don't think I've ever heard someone say so many nice things about me in the same sentence.  She was so easy to talk with, like I've known her forever, she put me at ease in an instant.  I met her best friend and her husband, and they are also nice people, down to earth and fun to talk to. I realized later on the way home, that this is what I want out of life, to be around people who are positive and fun. To be in the real world vs. some fantasy.  Even if things don't work out... I know I've taken a postive step toward living again. Living means stepping out of your comfort zone, taking chances, making postive choices, and enjoying every moment... 
Yeah, I'm going to wonder what if... but I also know that living in a "what if" state of mind doesn't allow you to grow, you feel like you're in a box, looking over the top, wating for someone to pick up and take you out. I'd rather be living in the NOW... it hurts to let go of hopes and dreams, but you learn to build them again. I'd rather have the here and now, it's solid and real... I may not know where things are headed, but I'm going to enjoy the trip!!  The sadness of letting go is going to ease as time passes... but the joy of living will make the path easier to navigate!!