MOVING CLOSER TO THAT DAY

I haven't made an entry for a while but I am excited today because it seems like my day is drawing closer and I'm starting to think that some people in my life either thought I was playing or didn't count on me following through but this is as serious as it gets for me.  I'm about to peel off the final layer of abuse which is the fat i used to cover up all the pain of my past.  Once I let that go, it's just about me discovering who I was suppose to be all those years ago.  I don't want anybody to get me wrong but I was never dissatisfied with myself but I did use the weight as a defense mechanism to hide my pain and keep me from going out into the world and achieving my greatest level of potential.  Over time that revelation just sent me spinning and now that I am emotionally free, I don't have to stay locked in that place.  I am not a victim and I don't want to live the life of one.  I need to feel just as beautiful on the inside as I do on the outside without reservations or restrictions.  I still quiver at the thought of the actual surgery but i can't wait to shop on regular clothes racks and spend less money doing it cause you know the more material the higher the cost.  I want to go feel what its like to sit in a restaurant alone and have a meal without people thinking oh geez the fat girl is depressed and about to gorge herself.  I want to walk through central park with my husband and visit all of the tourist attractions in new york with out getting tired or winded.  I want to go on a carriage ride and do all the silly things that people in love do and most importantly I want to see myself through my husbands eyes without wondering what it is he still sees in me. Most importantly I want to wake up in the morning and feel 150 pounds lighter than I did today and smile because this is the one goal, I kept for me, knowing that I didn't let anything or anybody deter me - NOT EVEN ME.  I am beyond excited about the prospects for my future - post surgery.  LET'S DO THIS GOD, YOU AND I.