Moving ahead & moving!
I got the apartment. I get to move in on the 27th. I am so happy about this. I can't wait to have a place to myself, and to get all my stuff in one place. I haven't had this in over 4 years. Some of my stuff has been in boxes for 2 years, some for 4 years. I don't even know what I have or what I need. I do know that I don't have basic stuff like a broom, mop, cleaning supplies, etc. And I will have only about $200 after moving in to last me til the 10th. Oh well, it will work out. When I left 2 1/2 years ago, I moved 250 miles away with only an airbed and a laptop. I managed.
I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I texted him on Wednesday morning to make sure he was okay. He said he wasn't okay, but was hanging in there. I feel like I should check on him, since he was in such bad shape the last time I saw him, and was so upset. But I don't want to know anything except that he is okay, and chances are he is not. I guess I am not up to being his friend right now.
I am feeling a lot of guilt about his situation. I know that I enabled him for such a long time, and that by suddenly being gone I have abandoned him in his mind. I accepted his poor treatment of me so many times and by doing that I let him believe all was well. So by leaving, by saying this is not acceptable, after accepting it for so long, I am suddenly changing the rules, I am the bad guy in his eyes. His son, who was so anxious to talk to me, to have my help with his dad, has not contacted me since he came to visit him. I think he probably blames me now also, but I am not contacting him either.
How to get him out of my head? I guess it is just little by little. I wish I could do No Contact, but so far I respond each time.
Anyway! I am moving forward. I am running around to Flea Markets and Yard Sales this morning, looking for things I know I will need in my apartment.
In 6 days I will have my own place!!!!
I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I texted him on Wednesday morning to make sure he was okay. He said he wasn't okay, but was hanging in there. I feel like I should check on him, since he was in such bad shape the last time I saw him, and was so upset. But I don't want to know anything except that he is okay, and chances are he is not. I guess I am not up to being his friend right now.
I am feeling a lot of guilt about his situation. I know that I enabled him for such a long time, and that by suddenly being gone I have abandoned him in his mind. I accepted his poor treatment of me so many times and by doing that I let him believe all was well. So by leaving, by saying this is not acceptable, after accepting it for so long, I am suddenly changing the rules, I am the bad guy in his eyes. His son, who was so anxious to talk to me, to have my help with his dad, has not contacted me since he came to visit him. I think he probably blames me now also, but I am not contacting him either.
How to get him out of my head? I guess it is just little by little. I wish I could do No Contact, but so far I respond each time.
Anyway! I am moving forward. I am running around to Flea Markets and Yard Sales this morning, looking for things I know I will need in my apartment.
In 6 days I will have my own place!!!!
Replies
I know it\'s hard, but please stop blaming yourself. You really did what you could -- in fact, you went way beyond the call of duty. Maybe because you\'re a super-nice person, maybe because you\'re co-dependent, who knows. The point is, you tried to help and found yourself powerless but that doesn\'t make HIS problems YOUR fault. Not in any way whatsoever. They are HIS problems, he created them, he needs to experience the consequences, you can\'t keep trying to save him. He is damned lucky he had you for so long but because he is a massively troubled individual, instead of being grateful, he just shat on you. I\'m sorry to put it in those terms. And he could have done much worse and by all accounts WILL do worse if you don\'t stay away. I know you still love the good in him that you saw / continue to see. But he is not your responsibility. Stop trying to understand how you are the \'bad guy\' because you are NOT the bad guy, you are a good person who got to the end of their rope and left out of a healthy sense of self-preservation. Thank God for survival instincts. Remember that your situation with him has screwed with your brain wiring and, just as addicts need to tough it out for a long time while their brains make new healthy connections, so do you. I also want to say you\'re putting words into the son\'s mouth: you don\'t actually know what he thinks, you\'re just telling yourself stories to make yourself feel bad. I think you\'re doing great, I understand how hard it is to get someone out of your head but the fact that you\'re moving forward is really great, so don\'t sabotage yourself!
Am so happy for you. Fixing up your new apartment will keep you happily occupied so you won\'t be thinking of him (as much). When you feel the need to contact him, call a friend. Take good care of yourself.
Ah Tokyo, you are so right. Every time I connect with him or his family, I am left so sad, so wanting to help. I can\'t be his friend. I am not to blame. This ship is sinking and I have jumped off. Let it go
Of course you are left sad and wanting to help. You care about him hugely. It\'s just that your caring for him was leaving your caring for YOU in the dust. And it really sounded like things were escalating in terms of violence. Do you care about him to the point of sacrificing your own life? Things seemed to be coming to that. I mean, maybe he would never have gone so far as to get physically violent, but the mental and emotional violence were already there and you were becoming party to it. Even now, blaming yourself, beating yourself up -- it\'s kind of like doing his work for him. He needs to run on his own steam for now as do you. And if he runs aground, that\'s. not. your. responsibility. There\'s a fine line between helping and enabling, compassion and tough love... Right now it seems those lines for you are still too blurred. I know how hard it is to turn off all that caring but your self-care has been suffering for it. Take care of yourself first! Then you can see who else you can take care of, but not at the expense of your own well-being. Stay strong... hugs, Tokyo