Mourning of a relationship...
The last few weeks I have been so frustrated with my relationship that I just wanted it to be over with. I wanted to start over and pursue a life of being single and a life that I wanted to for myself. Well that wish became a reality this weekend.
After my boyfriend stayed mad at me these last few weeks and only communicated to tell me how much I hurt him, we decided to end it. We never got the chance to meet to talk about it, never had a phone call this past weekend we were supposed to have (things he made promises that we would do, but never followed through)... all this anger and frustration was heaved at each other via text message, and now that its over, I feel the loss. I guess I didnt expect it to hit me the way it did. I cried all day sunday, chest heaving, gut wrenching crying and sporatically all day monday. I even wrote him a long email where I finally got to say all the things I didnt get to communicate because we were both being stubborn about communicating and his reply was that he loved me so damn much and this was killing him but he didnt know how to be what I needed him to be. He kept saying, I cant be the person you want me to be. But I just dont understand 'cant'. It feels like 'wont'. Being the awesome communicator that he is, he didnt go into anymore detail. I dont know if he will email to elaborate. Today, I havent cried, I feel numb. But I find myself checking my email in hopes that he will say, this is all a mistake and we can make it work. Then part of me is like, it hasnt worked the last two times we tried to start over and make it work... why would it be any different now?
So why is it that I am so miserable and frustrated when we are together and I feel like he is my enemy to the point that I dont want to be with him anymore, but when I get that wish, I regret it? I look at all the fond memories and sit here and think, those times make the bad worth it, but I need to look at it from the opposite perspective... I know. All the bad times outweigh the good. I dont fear starting over, but I feel like the issue here is that we dont get to spend enough time together and that one little thing would fix so much. That is the root of our problems.
But I have to be realistic here... that is the one thing he doesnt seem to have to give. Still I find myself holding on to some hope that I didnt think existed anymore...
Why cant I just move on???
After my boyfriend stayed mad at me these last few weeks and only communicated to tell me how much I hurt him, we decided to end it. We never got the chance to meet to talk about it, never had a phone call this past weekend we were supposed to have (things he made promises that we would do, but never followed through)... all this anger and frustration was heaved at each other via text message, and now that its over, I feel the loss. I guess I didnt expect it to hit me the way it did. I cried all day sunday, chest heaving, gut wrenching crying and sporatically all day monday. I even wrote him a long email where I finally got to say all the things I didnt get to communicate because we were both being stubborn about communicating and his reply was that he loved me so damn much and this was killing him but he didnt know how to be what I needed him to be. He kept saying, I cant be the person you want me to be. But I just dont understand 'cant'. It feels like 'wont'. Being the awesome communicator that he is, he didnt go into anymore detail. I dont know if he will email to elaborate. Today, I havent cried, I feel numb. But I find myself checking my email in hopes that he will say, this is all a mistake and we can make it work. Then part of me is like, it hasnt worked the last two times we tried to start over and make it work... why would it be any different now?
So why is it that I am so miserable and frustrated when we are together and I feel like he is my enemy to the point that I dont want to be with him anymore, but when I get that wish, I regret it? I look at all the fond memories and sit here and think, those times make the bad worth it, but I need to look at it from the opposite perspective... I know. All the bad times outweigh the good. I dont fear starting over, but I feel like the issue here is that we dont get to spend enough time together and that one little thing would fix so much. That is the root of our problems.
But I have to be realistic here... that is the one thing he doesnt seem to have to give. Still I find myself holding on to some hope that I didnt think existed anymore...
Why cant I just move on???
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