Mournday

Dearest,
            Another damn Monday without you. I’m very angry lately. Mostly I’m angry at myself, I think. Somehow this is all my fault. I don’t know how but somehow. Doctor KilledmyAbby’s office called me at work today. I wasn’t at my desk I was off running about. They left a message. Lucky for them that I was away, all they would have heard was a string of incomprehensible profanities and accusations. I deleted the message. Heh, I stashed the bill in my shirt.
            I’ve had that song “Words” running through my head all day. I’m okay at the beginning “Smile an everlasting smile, a smile can bring you near to me” but when I get to the end “It’s only words and words
 are all I have
 to take your heart
 
 away”
 I totally lose it, start crying and everything. Then I have to go find somebody to get mad at. I’m not sure why that song affects me like that. I remember singing it to you but it wasn’t all that special or anything. Yeah, I know, grammar.
            Spoke with Dave today. He’s probably my best friend, never been married, never even had a close friend die and yet he doesn’t say dumb things, kind of amazing. He’s so after me to come to Aruba in January though. He said I shouldn’t go telling everyone what happened. I know, that’s what I asked him. He said that they would just know, immediately that they could never compete. When you died you became like a saint to me and who can compete with a dead saint? Saint Abby. Don’t you just hate it? But you know, it could be interesting, maybe they have a “Not Saints” room and you could hang out with Moses and Abraham and Ruth and Esther, I know you’d have questions for them.
            You’ll have fun editing that paragraph.  I told Dave so I’ll tell you, guy at work getting set to give me advice about being a widower starts his sentence with “Well if I were You I’d” I said “Hold it stop it right there! When your wife dies THEN you can tell me what you’re going to do”.
Was mean huh? Yeah, well, there is some crap up with which I will not put! Ha!
Till later, your Ken

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken, it\'s okay to stop people in their tracks. I have done the same - even with my own mother (my dad is living - they are both 75 years old)... anger is part and parcel of this journey. Believe it or not I think it is a healthy part of it. Get mad. You have every right to it. Hell - I\'m mad that your Abby died. I\'m mad that my Jim died.
And that\'s the way it is until it isn\'t like that anymore. And one day? I have faith (not the old fashioned religion kind of faith) that my anger will subside. My anger will find a resting place. Because I FELT it. So feel it. Feel everything.. own it. and vent and vent and vent when you need to. Because as a very good friend (and Catholic priest) told me, \"this just f-ing sucks\"...
Blessings,
Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken,
You have mastered the art of making a very hard crowd (us) smile....or at least tonight, making me smile. I so wish I had had the presence of mind for a quick comeback to a few of the remarks I got early on in the journey. I have the quick comebacks now but, happily now, there are no stupid remarks to deal with.
The anger is good......it give one a break from the tears. Like Linda said....go with it. It was the one feeling that made me realize that I was still alive in the early months.
deleted_user
deleted_user

OK how can someone who has not lost a wife even presume that he is able to give you advice. That makes me angry just reading about it. I am glad you told him to just stop right there.
The BeeGees are my second favorite group of all time, a real close second behind the Beatles. Love the song \"Words\" and any other that Barry sings lead on which is most of them. No one else in my family can stand their music and I don\'t think anyone in my part of the country even knows who the BeeGees are. Glad to see someone else can quote their song.
Sorry you have so much anger and frustration right now. I am in total agreement with goodcook\'s last line!
Wishing you a brighter tomorrow
Angie
deleted_user
deleted_user

I so feel you..Everywhere I go someone has some advice on how I should either be doing or how I could get along better! I have one true friend who lost his wife that I will sit and talk for hours with that can truly understand the pain I am in and the loneliness I feel. We laugh we cry & dont even begin to tell each other how to go about ffeeling about the loss of our loves & that is just that...
swindy
swindy

When some dogooder tries to give me advise I look them straight in the eye and say (YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I FEEL) It usually stops any further advise.Diane
janalM
janalM

Whats the old saying, Walk a mile in my shoes. I thing it pretty well fits. No one else knows, unless they have gone or are going through it. People sometimes don\'t kow what to say and instead of just giving us a hug or a hand on the shoulder, they open thier mouth and disengage their brain.
songsofthenight
songsofthenight

if you ain\'t walked the walked, don\'t talk your talk....unless you\'ve walked a mile in my shoes....til then, you don\'t know nothing! That was the comment I\'ve made to some people when they start up with their help...people think they are helping but in reality they haven\'t a clue.
Angry is good at least it is getting emotions out of you and you are feeling something, anything is better than feeling nothing. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Ken....hugs, Sandi