Mother's Day was tough
Ok...so yesterday was tough. I'm sure it was tough for so many of us and so I have to get this out so someone who understands can know how I'm feeling.
Yesterday of course was Mother's Day. I'm not a mother...not yet anyway. Sigh... My husband and I didn't mention it as we were getting ready for church. We just got ready, doing our normal "getting ready for church" routine. We got to church and several of the mother's had on coursages. It was cute, and very sweet. I was still okay at this point.
Then, a deaconess (my husband's sister) got up and read a short story about Mother's Day. It was cute, it was nice. It was called The Day I Lost My Smile. About a mom trying to get her kids around for school and thinking she wasn't doing a very good job of it. Anyway, during this whole story I'm thinking "I'll never be able to do those things...I'll never get my kids ready for school...I'll never look at them in the back seat of my car." So I bit down on the inside of my cheeks. Hard. Enough to make the pain go somewhere else. I was still holding it all together until it got to the end, when she asked all the mothers to stand and come get a card. They all stood while I sat. That was all I could handle. I got up, and walked as fast as I could to the bathroom. In there I sobbed. My heart felt so broken. I felt like such a disgrace. Some broken person who can't create a baby. Who will never be recognized as a mother.
There was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, it was my husband. He was teary eyed. He didn't say anything, he just grabbed my hand and led me to a side room where he sat down and put me in his lap and held me while we cried together.
We couldn't find the strength to go back in. We quietly left.
I'm hoping for a better day today where I won't feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat. I keep telling myself to get it together.
Yesterday of course was Mother's Day. I'm not a mother...not yet anyway. Sigh... My husband and I didn't mention it as we were getting ready for church. We just got ready, doing our normal "getting ready for church" routine. We got to church and several of the mother's had on coursages. It was cute, and very sweet. I was still okay at this point.
Then, a deaconess (my husband's sister) got up and read a short story about Mother's Day. It was cute, it was nice. It was called The Day I Lost My Smile. About a mom trying to get her kids around for school and thinking she wasn't doing a very good job of it. Anyway, during this whole story I'm thinking "I'll never be able to do those things...I'll never get my kids ready for school...I'll never look at them in the back seat of my car." So I bit down on the inside of my cheeks. Hard. Enough to make the pain go somewhere else. I was still holding it all together until it got to the end, when she asked all the mothers to stand and come get a card. They all stood while I sat. That was all I could handle. I got up, and walked as fast as I could to the bathroom. In there I sobbed. My heart felt so broken. I felt like such a disgrace. Some broken person who can't create a baby. Who will never be recognized as a mother.
There was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, it was my husband. He was teary eyed. He didn't say anything, he just grabbed my hand and led me to a side room where he sat down and put me in his lap and held me while we cried together.
We couldn't find the strength to go back in. We quietly left.
I'm hoping for a better day today where I won't feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat. I keep telling myself to get it together.
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((HUGS)))
We\'re right here with you!
I completely understand how you felt. My church does baby/child dedication on Mother\'s Day, so the last two years\' services have been an exercise in ... I don\'t know what, but something. This year, I had my ER on Mother\'s Day, ironically. This journey has been a big test of faith for me, but I\'m hanging on. I\'ll be saying prayers for you and your journey :)