Mother (and I use the term loosely)
So my mother is at it again. She started her shenanigans complaining about my grandchildren, me and even my poor son how we didn't and don't do this and that for her. She had done this several weeks ago too & I have barely talked to her as I had decided after a year of her saying cruel things to me about Eddie's passing etc. and I had gotten a lot of support from all of you when I had journaled about this in the past and the advice I got to stay away from her was invaluable.
So she calls me last night to tell me that, in a nutshell, she has now written me a nasty letter & sent it in the mail. I had sent her a Christmas card last week & said I would drop by for a few minutes on Christmas & say hello. This was not good enough for her and she wanted to know why I didn't put a check in it and "Now you're not even giving me a gift?" The history of this is that I always give her $100.00 for Christmas, in cash, because it is hard for her to get out to the bank to cash a check. My plan was to drop by on Christmas, bring her some food and the $100.00. I sent a card because I thought she may enjoy receiving one as they brighten my day when I receive one. As always this isn't good enough for her. She began to complain that because, poor Eddie died that I am "punishing her". What??!! Then she went on to say that she has been nothing but good to Christina and Josh, but if "they don't care about me and respect me then that's OK."
I asked her why she continually upsets me and why she wants to cause me additional pain when I am in so much pain already and she said that she has never said anything cruel to me or caused me any pain and that I made all those things up. I told her I cannot have this conversation again and said, "goodbye" and hung up. Ken said, "She is really out of her mind." I said , "Yeah, she was fun to grow up with - that's why I needed years of therapy." I am so angry at life sometimes. I was finally at a place in my life, after much therapy and fighting depression that I felt strong and optimistic and like I was actually healed from childhood traumas. Then my poor beloved Eddie dies. And again fighting, fighting the depression and trying not to fall into an abyss of despair. Not to make it all about me as my mother would. I do greive for my son that his life was cut short. But I grieve for me also. I got robbed of years with him. Life dealt me and all of my sweet sisters here the worst blow we could've received and I am angry.
Thank you for listening. I will be better tomorrow. Maybe....Hopefully....
At least more peaceful tomorrow. I wish all of you peace, too.
So she calls me last night to tell me that, in a nutshell, she has now written me a nasty letter & sent it in the mail. I had sent her a Christmas card last week & said I would drop by for a few minutes on Christmas & say hello. This was not good enough for her and she wanted to know why I didn't put a check in it and "Now you're not even giving me a gift?" The history of this is that I always give her $100.00 for Christmas, in cash, because it is hard for her to get out to the bank to cash a check. My plan was to drop by on Christmas, bring her some food and the $100.00. I sent a card because I thought she may enjoy receiving one as they brighten my day when I receive one. As always this isn't good enough for her. She began to complain that because, poor Eddie died that I am "punishing her". What??!! Then she went on to say that she has been nothing but good to Christina and Josh, but if "they don't care about me and respect me then that's OK."
I asked her why she continually upsets me and why she wants to cause me additional pain when I am in so much pain already and she said that she has never said anything cruel to me or caused me any pain and that I made all those things up. I told her I cannot have this conversation again and said, "goodbye" and hung up. Ken said, "She is really out of her mind." I said , "Yeah, she was fun to grow up with - that's why I needed years of therapy." I am so angry at life sometimes. I was finally at a place in my life, after much therapy and fighting depression that I felt strong and optimistic and like I was actually healed from childhood traumas. Then my poor beloved Eddie dies. And again fighting, fighting the depression and trying not to fall into an abyss of despair. Not to make it all about me as my mother would. I do greive for my son that his life was cut short. But I grieve for me also. I got robbed of years with him. Life dealt me and all of my sweet sisters here the worst blow we could've received and I am angry.
Thank you for listening. I will be better tomorrow. Maybe....Hopefully....
At least more peaceful tomorrow. I wish all of you peace, too.
Replies
Hello sweet Linda, I\'m sorry your mom rained on your life again:( Some people will always be selfish in life. There will be nothing that will change her except herself and she can\'t even admit she said anything wrong:( I\'m sorry you have to deal with that on top of loosing your precious Eddie. So many times you have helped me through my saddness and anger and stressful days. Thank you for being there for me. You are a special lady with so many friends here. We care very much about you. When you hurt, we hurt with you. Now, give me your mothers address and let me tell her to leave you alone, ok, maybe not, but I would if you would let me. (sorry, that was my evil side coming out) I\'m here for you. Love and many hugs, Danette
I sit hear and cry because my mom is at it too, but in my case, everything is my fault. I wish for you to hold fast and not let her get to you,, but I cannot do it for myself. Maybe we can find strength together, ((hugs)) Nora
Right there with you guys, my mother tries but her priority is my kids..I should spend my holidays with them being ungrateful to both of us...shes there for me at times, yet shes the biggest nag in my life and she never quits. Wishing our kids never died because our pain and sadness makes little things bigger than they are. Hugs to you!
My mom..well i can say I loved her..but I never liked her..when justin first got sick she never even came to the hospital but when we got out of the hospital and went to my older sisters the first thing she said was she would have come but no one here would take her to the hopital. You know at times I really wished my mom would have been there. But 2 weeks later justin had his first operation and on oct 14, they told me my son only had a 1 to live. then 5 minutes later I was told my mom passed away. You know I never had my mom in life so a part of me was hopping that through death that she was able to be the grandma she wasn\'t able to be during life.
Oh, Linda, I am so sorry! Just like that bumper sticker says, \"Mean people suck.\" I often think of how we would allow our friends to treat us and why do we have to act any differently with our family? I can only imagine how this compounds your feelings and I know you understand that this is ALL about HER. Just because she is your mother does not entitle her to say hurtful things. Even as loving and gentle as my mom was towards the end of her life I had to create that boundary for myself with her. I used the word, \"Ouch\" when she would say things and nothing else. I simply allowed that one word to hang in the air and most times it got her attention! It continues to be my \"silver bullet\" and really makes an impact most times. \"Ouch\" is the feeling I have when I read your journal and my heart is with you. I\'m sorry, my friend. Please just do what you can as you are and understand that this shows how very sad your mom must really feel in her life when this is all that spews out of her. Mental illness, dementia??? Is she dealing with this as well? So much loving support beamed to you dear friend. With love, Joanie
Linda, I am here for you, too. Mothers can be really something....especially if they have a mean streak. I pray she will soften her remarks and her heart will change soon....for your sake, especially. I just don\'t understand how a mother can be so cruel after the loss of your child....her grandson! Perhaps, for your own peace of mind and sanity you should keep a distance from her. I hope you will get through all of this and that Christmas will be more about your reflections on Christmas past with your dear sweet Eddie. I, too, was wondering like Joanie....if your mother has undiagnosed dementia or even alzheimers. My mother is meaner with her alzheimers. It just may be part of her problem. Aging sucks. Love and many hugs ........you are a precious child of God....dale, brandon\'s mom
Dear Linda, sometimes these things are just so unfixable. And even when you can take a cosmic POV and say \"ok so her needs were not met as a child and she wasn\'t able to be a good or happy adult mother, and it\'s not my fault,\" EVEn when you say all that, and EVEN if you were willing to \'parent\' her... forget it. She isn\'t aware and willing to do all that work... she would have to parent herself to a healthy boundaries adult, and sweetie it is so not going to happen. I feel sorrow for her sad and wasted life. But! she DID bring us YOU and for that I give thanks. YOU have done the work and YOU can say this is MY life and I don\'t have to let this BS drag it down. I\'m impressed with how clear your vision is. : )
love and light, hot tea, cookies too if you like,
Sarah
A good warning for me! My children and grandchildren are coming here for my birthday, dear G-d, keep me from being negative with them, saying the wrong thing, or seeming full of self-pity. No one needs a mother like that. I do hope, though, that you give her her $100. anyway and a kiss for the new year. She must be a miserable person to give out such darkness and no light. Your mother is an eclipse. You heard it here, first.
Linda,
Reading your journal I felt so much like what others have said...she is in darkness and you are in the light...you are seeing things, feeling things--living...that part seems to be our of her grasp for whatever reason.
I think I needed to read your journal today...I, too, have been dealing with a very negative, self-absorbed, controlling and (well...) mean person. I say person as a loving mother would not treat her children this way.
Her light has long since been extinguished....she has not smiled in decades, her medical conditions are very serious (mostly of her own stubborn will)--COPD & congestive heart failure from 60+ years of chain smoking and saying \"I love smoking and have no intention of quitting\"--diabetes that she refuses to control (300-500 range is the norm)--she is one of those that eats whatever she wants, and takes her insulin--which has cost her the use of her kidneys (dialysis 3-4 times per wk)--she is miserable, lonely and I know that she is scared to die....I pity her. I have had the same type issues as u--thoughtless and mean comments...I just do the best I can (which seems never enough). Hang in there...and thnks for letting me know that I am not alone.
Ann
Dear Linda. It is difficult enough to suffer the loss of a child. In my opinion, mothers should be there to help us through the trauma. Unfortunately your mother seems to be self centered. I gather from your post. she had never qualified for mother of the year.
Please take care of yourself. I pray that your mother will realize what you have lost and be a support for you.
I am not sure if you are taking antidepressants. If not, I would discuss them with the doctor. I would not be here if I hadn\'t been on medication. I equate my medications with diabetes meds. If you don\'t take them, you could die.
They don\'t give me a high. They just make me feel somewhat normal - they don\'t stop the crying or the hurt but there is a big difference between grieving and depression.
I hope you are able to work things out.
Big Hugs,
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
Why can\'t our moms be the cool moms that we are!
Linda, sorry that your Mom is at it again. I wish there was something we DS sisters could do to wake your Mother up and tell her it is not all about her. You need her to realize that you did not cause this problem but do need her comforting words to be able walk through every day not the hurtful words. I have asked Warren to gather all our chidren together and visit your Mother and give her a shake. Not one that wil hurt her but one that will finally bring her to reality that you are the one that needs her love and comforting words. That would be a site. All our children visiting you Mom. She would definitely realize what you have been saying in previous months Sending you love and peace ~ Shalene
Your mom\'s a Narcissist.
You can\'t kill a Narcissist without becoming one yourself. Time to tune into station WIFM (What\'s In It For Me) and take care of just you for a while.