Mostly About My Son And My Book

The first thing she asked me if it’s warming up outside.  Yes, and it’s sunny.  Yesterday I woke up and the weather channel on my computer said minus 4.  Now that’s cold!  I commented how her light is still out in the hallway.  She said how it makes it dark and they are supposed to come and fix it today.  I told her sometimes it’s just one bulb.  We have those kind downstairs in our basement.    I showed her copies of the letter and card (front and back of card) of how my son is legal.  She took it and commented that yeah, now she’ll know.  I guess for any future.  He can do everything with it and she said how he can do his own.  Yes.  It’s for his broken hand, back problems and Asthma.  She smiled.  I said in answer to our question he has a vaporizer he uses at home he couldn’t bring with him.  Then I continued talking about him because of the check he wants me to pick up.  I told her I wanted to call him now because I don’t want to have to go home and then go back down to the hospital to get it.  She clearly came out and said we need to talk about this first.  She doesn’t do that very often.  I told her I know what she is going to say because that’s the first thing I thought when he called me Saturday night.  I knew she would tell me to stop doing all his leg work.  Right.  And when he called then his dogs got away and he hung up and was gone in an instant.  But I have to do this … he’ll be mad at me if I don’t.  She was like so what, maybe he’ll learn I can’t do everything.  I don’t.  He does a lot himself and only comes to me when he really needs me.  I don’t think she’s quite 100% sure on this.  She told me she can’t tell me what to do but if I call him I can’t complain anymore about the way he treats me.  I said I will complain.  She said no.  It was a power struggle which almost never happens and I heard her curse which is a rarity, too.  She said how I do these things for him and then “he treats you like shit!”  It was very strong.  I told her she’s making this very difficult for me.  She really was!  I told her I already said I would from this morning and I don’t want to have to go home first.  So I called.  He didn’t answer and I said maybe that’s a sign.  “A sign from God?” she asked laughing in a good way.  Yeah – maybe.  But maybe he’ll call back, I told her.  She was really hard on me about this.  Really infamic about not wanting me to complain about how he treats me.  Is she tired of it?  Well … so am I.  But I’m his Mom.  Moms always want the best for their kids and to make things easier for them to help them in the ways that they can.  She couldn’t stop me from complaining about him anyway.  I think that was her way of trying to get her point across and challenging me.  Sure I’d like him to treat me better … sure I would … but some things I just have to do.  She said what if I had a job and couldn’t.  Well, then I couldn’t.    As it turned out the coordinator called and then my son right at the same time,  later in the session.  My therapist thought that was interesting.  She said she can’t overnight it without a reason – they won’t pay for that.  We decided she’ll call me when she’s going to leave and I’ll pick up the check from her house and then go deposit it into his account at a local bank.  My therapist shook her head yes after hearing this.  That way I don’t have to pay to overnight it at the post office.  I had put her on speakerphone so she could hear.  That way she could tell me something during the conversation if she needed to.    I called him after, when I was waiting for the massage therapist, and he had reservations but said it’s OK.  He’ll call me back with his account number.  Well, later at home, he did.  And then the coordinator said she’s staying until 5 PM so I had to go down to the hospital to pick it up and take it to the bank.  He can’t access it until Wednesday and I called and left him that message.  He won’t like it but it’s not in my control.  I called him later and asked if he got my message - yes.  He’s also waiting for other money to come in before he goes and did thank me for doing that.  My therapist said that he should have thought of all this.  I’m hoping she saw that this was all put in motion before and I just have to be in the middle, as she calls it.  She said how they both called me at the same time and how I am put in the middle.  I told her earlier how each day he looses money because he’s not there.  It’s been a week or two.  And that if he would have gone he would have been really close to that earthquake that hit.  He thinks that would have been cool.  But it did cause a lot of damage.  I asked her if her husband’s family felt it.  I don’t think she knew.   So I went on to talk about Thursday.  Since it was a snowy day and I knew I was not going to go anywhere I worked on my Facebook stuff like that producer said.  I didn’t do Twitter yet.  I’ve had a Facebook account but didn’t really do anything with it until now.  I asked people, put pictures up (my last 2 trips and family) and such.  I don’t think she knows much about Facebook.  One night my friend called at 10:50 PM because she said she knew I was up because she saw me on.  I told my therapist I really wasn’t.  I accidently left it on.  My friend is really getting into it – it can be addicting.  She plays games and such.  I don’t want to get into that.    But my point was this friend also called me back the next day.  Kind of like before.  I don’t understand what was happening before.  I don’t want this to turn out like that other friend of mine who just calls me when she needs something and uses me.  My therapist really didn’t say anything.  Just listened.  So I went on to another subject.   I went on to telling her about the WII.  My kids brought it over yesterday and we all played and it was a lot of fun.  My daughter is really trying to loose the weight.  She thought that was great.  She doesn’t have one but she knows what it is.  I told her the WII Fit is a program, a game.  It tells you your BMI and weight and how fit you are for your age.  I told her mine is 19.72 and it used to be 17 or 18.  Normal is 22.  She thought that was very good, pretty low.  Even though sometimes I feel fat?  Yes, but as always, no comment.  My daughter’s and husband’s were way up there.  She said it’s a good wake up for them because of diabetes and all sorts of things.  Yes.  I said my weight was almost 126 with clothes on.  I can go up to 140 but no way!  I’m upset I gained 10 pounds or so and lost a little.  No comment but she did write the numbers down.  I still can’t figure out if she just doesn’t want me to get into this or if she thinks it’s true and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.  Then I told her about fit age.  My daughter is 31 and her fit age is 54.  Her boyfriend is 36 and his is 42.  My husband’s is 64.  Wow – she thought.  She asked me what mine was.  52 – a year younger than I am.  I was really good at the balancing, the champ of the family in the hoola hooping (I really can move) and not very good at the stair stepping because it was all over the place and hard to follow.  But the point is that we all had fun with it together – taking turns.    OK … now to my experiment.  She excitedly wanted to hear how it went.  I told her how my middle son and girlfriend didn’t come over because he has a bad cold.  I didn’t want to do this with her but I did want him there.  Also I thought my granddaughter was not going to be there but she got dropped off at my house at 5 PM.  So I thought it was going to be just my grandson (quieter with just him) but wasn’t.  My husband was on call and had his computer and stuff on the dining room table so we decided to eat in the kitchen since there was just 6 of us.  We don’t have a table & chairs, per say, in there.  It’s part of the counter that extends out to be a table with room for 5 chairs:  2 on each side and one at the end.  When we do this I usually stand but my daughter’s boyfriend said he would.  I felt sorry for him, offered him a chair and he said no.  Sometimes he doesn’t eat.  So there were 6 of us – 5 sitting.    At the end my first instinct was to get up and start putting things away.  But I told myself no, you can’t do that.  Then, of all times, I needed to go to the bathroom.  I waited maybe 5 minutes and then knew I had to go.  I wanted to stay longer to see what happens.  I went and then decided to stay out longer by getting my mail on my computer in my bedroom.  Then … I asked her when I got back what does think happened – where was everyone?  She said either still sitting there or in another room on their electronics.  Which one?  She said still sitting there.  No, it was the other.  I was going to say something to them but thought not to in case I want to do this again.  She nodded.  I told her I started helping my husband who was cleaning up.  I did up to a certain point.  I did tell him they need to help.  She said there needs to be another adult in there helping.  I tell him but nothing happens.  She encouraged me to get him to say it and that the kids are adults now and shouldn’t be acting like kids or teenagers.  Yes.  She said usually one adult helps and another one helps the little kids.  It’s me and I do both.  I help for a certain period of time, then am with the kids.  She encouraged me to try this experiment again.  I said and I need to go to the bathroom first because I really wanted to see what would happen if I stayed longer.  I did say how sad it was that we went through the little (middle) bedroom with all the toys and my grandson got rid of all the baby toys before my granddaughter got there.  He even had to test everything out.  He is growing up!  She said yes he is and my granddaughter not quiet yet.  Right.  Then I told her about my friend calling me last night and told me about 2 upcoming events.  One is the program through the hospital that I won the trip to Mexico.  I haven’t signed up yet but will.  We’ll talk about that more later.  The other one I started out by asking her if she’s done the Laughter Yoga.  She said no and remembered I gave her info on it.  I told her where it was at some Unity Church.  Then I thought she said she was Unitarian and asked her about it.  She said she did go to that church a long time ago.  That’s where her kids went to Sunday school.  She doesn’t go anywhere now she told me.  So she does know about where it is.  I started asking her about if there’s a big room where they might hold this.  She said yes where they have refreshments and such but it could be in a classroom that she might rent.  She said it’s a small place to just look for signs.  I’ll find it.  I guess she thought I was concerned about finding exactly where the Laughter Yoga was.  No – something else.  So I asked her, “You know why I’m asking you?”  “Oh, bathrooms,” she knew as soon as I said that.  She didn’t remember exactly where they were but she told me that there will be bathrooms all around.  I told her we’ll talk more as it gets closer and maybe do experiments and/or exposures.  Then she right away said, “This is what I think you need to do.”  She told me I need to give myself permission to go to the bathroom when I need to.  The idea of this is to let loose (?) and enjoy it and I won’t be able to if I don’t.  I nodded.  I saved for last to talk about my book.  I said yesterday at breakfast my guy friend is not computer literate.  I talked about my Facebook and showed him with my IPod my page with my picture on it.  He asked about my friends.  Yes, his family, others, and including the producer guy in Los Angeles are on there.  My therapist seemed happy he was one.  Then I told him I told this guy about my book I wrote and what he said how to get it published.  My friend says I should get it into book form (his son works at a store that can do this) and then take it around to little bookstores (not big ones because you probably have to go through corporate) and try to sell it.  She said like self-publish it.  Yes.  She had a former guy client that did that and sold his book to LBB (a small book store in town).  I said how I’m not a sales person.  This guy friend wanted me to work for him and I said no.  If someone doesn’t want something – it’s fine.    I said in order to do that, or even put it on line for people to read (she said to just put an exerpt on) that I would definitely have to have it copyrighted.  I’ve worked too long and hard on this.  She agreed.  I wouldn’t want anyone to steel it from me.  No.  I said it took a long time to put it all together for everything to jell, to put closure on things and get all the characters together.  My friend knows a lawyer who’s into patenting and may know about copyrighting.  We couldn’t get his home number then but he said he would and call and ask.  But instead right then he called another lawyer who’s my cousin’s cousin and asked him.  He didn’t know about copyrights but now he knows it’s me with the book.    I told her I would need a cover – she said an illustrator.  Yes.  You can’t just do this instantly.  I said how not many have read it.  Not even my daughter or anyone in my family.  Only my one friend who died of oral cancer that I used to go over after work and for fun she’d help me edit it.  She’s not here anymore.  And one other person edited it – actually this guy friend knows her but I didn’t tell him.  And another friend of mine that I don’t do a whole lot with.  That’s it.    Then I wondered if it’s good enough.  She said yes, like she told me when she read it.  It gives a message and it’s well written.  I said how the producer says that a lot of people say they are going to write a book but never do.  I have, know I’m a writer and have already accomplished that.  I’ve already got that step ahead.  She agreed and seemed to encourage me to go forward with it.  She said there’s a little bookstore in WG and the owner is young and spunky (?).  She has a special, large section just for kids books and has hired someone just for that.  I should just go in, with lots of confidence, and just talk to her for starters.  I told her I read it over again – just skimmed it.  But I asked her if she remembers what happened the last time I did this (it was when I was revising it).  She said yes.  I said it’s happening again.  We talked a little more and she said to read it all at one time (I think).  But in a little bit she asked me if I meant more incontinence – especially at night.  Yes.  I reminded her that last time it was every night and I don’t want to go through that again.  She reminded me again to go through my fear and not let the fear control me.  A little later she told me to not read it at night.  Read it in the morning.    Then we talked about the issue of when it’s out you can’t take it back.  I don’t know if I want that.  Kind of like with the massage therapist and I don’t tell her.  Again, once it’s out you can’t take it back.  Before I start coming to her I couldn’t even talk about it.  I couldn’t even say the words.  She remembered.  But I pointed out that I could write about it and put it down on paper – even the words.  I did say that this book is not about me but is a lot of me.  It makes me feel sad because I’m not there yet.  My character had a best friend who helped her out and was there for her.  And she’s accepting of the problem and I’m not yet.  It’s like a time line for me.  I start out way at the left and then a big space after I wrote the book moving to the right.  I step forward but then get afraid and step back.  I asked her if I need to finish the second book before I present it.  She said no.  She remembered that the 2nd book was to conclude her acceptance.  I said that she did learn acceptance in the first as to it being no big deal.  But not complete acceptance and the second book adds more of this with her family, Mom and such.  I remember her saying that we need to write things down on a card before I leave.  Something to the fact of dealing with something for me to be able to look at.  We didn’t do it and I can’t remember exactly what it was.  Maybe what I can tell myself so I don’t get into that nightly thing.  I just don’t remember.  At one point during this I needed to go to the bathroom and said so.  She just glanced at the clock and we kept talking.  As it’s been, I think I do OK up to a certain point that it gets harder.  I kind of wince.  She’s been continuing talking on but this time it looked like she was going to say something but didn’t.  We just went on.  But within a minute, with more struggling she suggested, “Why don’t you take a break?”  “OK,” I said and did.  Usually she lets me decide but this time she didn’t.  Maybe because we were talking about the subject and me having more problems at night again and how not to.  I didn’t ask her how long I waited.  I don’t think it was any longer than about 5 minutes – not very good but oh, well.  I can’t try my hardest to wait all the time.  I talked about how much I do like to write.  Like my journal that’s now up to ninety something posts.  That could be a book if anyone would want to read it.  She said that it seems like somehow I do want this book published.  Yes.  I’d love to see it in book form!  My guy friend asked me if the reason why I wrote the book was to make money.  I told my therapist I said yes – everyone likes to make money – but for me it was for other reasons.  She knows.  But am I ready for this to go out?  Everyone will know and they’ll ask if the book is about me.  What would I say?  She said my closest friends and family might but maybe not others.  I said I write like the Judy Blume books and some are about parts of her life – but not all.  We explored a little about how other writers deal with this.  Yes it’s embarrassing to me.  But other things are the same to others.  She told me about a book series someone wrote and she had to shelf one on divorce for a while until she could work though things herself.  She really likes this author.  She also said something about an author who wrote about her brother molesting her.  A lot write about things that happen in their lives.  She said how I will handle it when I’m being interviewed on TV and signing my books at book signings.  I smiled.    Then I asked her how the nighttime thing can not happen.  She commented that see what your mind can do.  Yes, I do.  She asked me if I’m getting into the character too much.  Yes, you have to when you read through and familiarize yourself with it again.  Maybe that’s when she told me not to do it at night    Personally, and I’m not sure if I said it or not, I don’t know if I’m ready for my “secret” to be out.  I’ve hidden it all these years.    My phone rang again and this time I said it was the massage therapist (earlier I thought it was and it was the coordinator) and it was.  She told me she’d be there in 7 minutes.  I said OK, it was a very short conversation.  So we talked just a tad more and it was time to end.  Yes, a book would be nice.  Even more than one!  Then I could really say that I’m somebody and have accomplished something in life.  But I have to get over this thing about then everyone will know.  It’s self acceptance – I know.  That’s why I’m in therapy but it’s taking so long.  Or, rather, I’m taking so long.  She did say that sometimes things happen so quickly you don’t have time to think about things and they just happen.  That would be super nice!