Most Frightening Day
I don't know why but everyone seems to be losing it. My Dad during my therapy session yesterday he broke down on me and started to cry, I mean he cried real hard. Now I'm scared, because if he is weak who am I gonna cry on? The therapist spoke to the both of us and I don't know, but she said something that resonated with him. He cried and he cried and he cried!! After a while I had to beg him to stop since I already felt embarrassed. This is the man who in earlier times made my childhood feel like hell. Even know I can still hear his totalitarian voice in my head whenever I am about to do something since I'm usually afraid that I might get criticized. Now he keeps asking for my forgiveness despite how much I tell him that he is already forgiven, actually that's what my therapist told me to do. Guess there is a child in everyone.Now this morning. Is extremely embarrassing as it might sound, I thought I was dead. Yes I woke up this morning finding myself in my Dads bed, with Lilly white sheet. I don't remember how is room looked since I literally live in my room. To see his room illuminated by the sunlight gave off a feel of....well heaven...I think. Compared to my room which is basically a dumpster. I freaked out immediately thinking that I was dead, especially seeing the white sheet. I cried so hard almost cursing God as to why he took me, only for my Dad to come bursting through the door wondering what happened. Of course after seeing my Dad, it all came back to me. I came into his room around 9:00pm in the night since I was having trouble sleeping. We stayed up and watched some reruns of the Jefferson. After that I fell asleep. The normal routine would be to go to my bed at 10:00pm after taking my sleeping tables. That's how I've always slept since last year. Now I'm scared/shocked of the fact that I felt asleep on my own power. My Dad laughed and dried my tears when I told him what I thought had happened. He was like, "Well Naara, since you fell asleep on your own in my bed I decided not to disturb you.""Furthermore I've to skipped work today, to celebrate this progress you've made."Isn't my Dad being a bit previous, I mean it's not like I'm 100% better.
Replies
Well I still think it\'s good news that you have been falling sleep on your own. I hope that you can eventually get off those sleeping pills all together eventually. I\'m sorry you got so embarrassed about your dad crying in therapy, that would make me feel the same way probably. But, just try to remember not many are lucky enough to have a father that cares so much about them! You have a dad that apologizes to you and wants to do better. I don\'t often hear that. I know my dad would never cry like that for me, or even admit that he has treated me like crap in the past.
...Man, I use to watch the Jeffersons all the time when I was a kid, I miss those old tv classics :D
HUGS
I\'m glad that I can actually sleep on my own now. Found it annoying that I had to swallow a pill to sleep. I hate pills, they leave a bad feeling inside of me. Well it took him couple tries to go to the therapy with me. In fact he always felt that he has no reason to go there since there is nothing wrong with him. But as how my therapist puts it. Everyone suffers from mental illness from time to time. Even anger and being miserable is a form of mental illness. Well at least that\'s what she says. Most fathers including yours never like to admit that there are wrong. In fact my Dad always thought that it was something \'wrong\' with me. You live and you learn I suppose.
You know I came here with the intention of deleting my journal since it sounded very stupid and dumb especially the part about thinking that I was dead. But I\'m glad that you were able to comment appropriately on it.
Oh yes the Jeffersons. I decided to watch it just to test if I could laugh. Needless to say I just stared at the screen. However I did sense the humor which to me is progress. So it\'s getting there. I\'m just waiting to actually laugh. I can laugh but not as often as I once did.