Mornings are hard
I'm upset half the day anymore b/c I find mornings are extremely hard for me. Some say it's the evenings when they have downtime, maybe nights, but for me it's the mornings when everyone is gone. I'm angry, now, I have to wake my boys up before 6am to get them out of the house so I can start my job on Tuesday. It is way too early for them to be out of the house but so be it...I have no choice. You can tell they are tired and go to bed early, but still they are tired. I'm tired...so tired of being mentally and emotionally drained. At night, I feel over and wish he were next to me..he is in the spare bedroom but not next to ME...probably he's dreaming of HER. I think that is why when A asks to sleep with me..I don't give him grief..I let him. It's comforting to me to hold me little boy. Usually N will cry and I have him in bed, as well...we look like the Brady Bunch stuffed all in one bed. I look at them when they sleep and smile and tear up and think what have I done...what will I do. Why didn't I see things sooner or question things earlier. Am I really as stupid as they say? I think so...no I know so. I'm just taking the high road for my kids putting my own emotional stability on the line by not firing off everyday what I really want to say to him. I'm doing this so the boys won't see me as an unstable ass or he cannot use that against me when/if it comes to it. But..it's draining. So every morning when all is gone...here I sit with my emotions and let it flow and well up. I hate the fact that everyone has to suffer for the mistakes I've made, the job I had to take to support myself and the kids, and the way I feel. Mornings...blahhh!
Replies
(((((LLMT))))) sorry mornings are so hard, hon.. If you want kiddos in your bed, that\'s fine. whatever feels good to everyone right now.. god, it all sucks. Hearing about that ahole in any part of your house makes me sick. I feel like booting him out myself, so you can heal. Your emotional stability matters and it is hard to have that while the STBX is living there. I know that feeling of holding it all in because kids are around and it eats you alive... :(
I\'m hoping changes come sooner than later for you, dear. You deserve so much more than this. You are not stupid. He is a manipulative cheater.
big hugs!!
Iwish I could say it was only the mornings with me, but it isn\'t it is all day, I hate coming home from my job. I use to look forward to the end of the day when I knew he would be coming in to tell me about his day and telling about mine. Now there is nothing but silence all day long. I lay down alone and then I wake up alone. It is like a vicious cycle, when will it end. I hate being alone, I never realized it before, I use to say if I ever lost him, I would never find another man, I was done with that. But things are so different now that it has acctually happened. I need companionship. Sorry your boys have to make such changes in there routine, its hard enough for us to have to change our routine, but it isn\'t fair that the kids have to change there\'s too, they are innocent in all of this and the cheating spouses do not really care or think about it, they just say they are young, they will be fine. Sorry to go on. But like you, mornings (and evenings) are horrible for me also. Thinking of you.
I am sorry mornings are hard for you. I am sure though, the comfort you find when your kiddos sleep with you is a good thing and you should do it for now, whatever it takes for everyone to get thru this.
Try not to drive yourself batty by continuing to think about what he is thinking or dreaming about. I am sure it is hard with him still in the house, you can only handle what you can.
Be good to yourself.
L, the only unforgiveable mistake that was made in your marriage wasn\'t committed by you!! Don\'t blame yourself for trusting your HUSBAND, your supposed to. Sad commentary on him that he didn\'t deserve that trust. Hang in there!
Night is when I miss her the most. My youngest wants to crawl in bed with me on weekends when they are here and I usually let her, just to have someone there with me. I lay there and I think about how we shared a bed together for so long, it just still feels empty sometimes.
Good for you for not firing off on him although if you did, I hardly think anyone could blame you and unless you hit him or did it in front of the kids, I doubt he could really use it against you, I think the situation certainly explains the desire for that behavior anyway but kudos to you for not wasting good emotions on him. :-)
Hang in there, we\'re all here for you.
I could have wrote this entry myself - everything but the job piece. My favorite time of the day is from 7:30 p.m. to about 9:30 p.m. Dinner is over, the kids are starting to settle down, I get a little me time in with them around. Morning is still far away - it\'s nice. But I hate mornings.
Although getting up early for everyone sucks it might be good for you to have a routine that forces you out of bed and then off to be around ppl that know nothing of what is going on. May help distract you. My job is out of the house so once they leave for school it is alone in my office time... Not good.
I want to know what in the hell you are accepting blame for/
Did you cheat?
Did you break promises?
Did you forsake your family for YOUR happiness?
In short.... stop it! He is an ass, you are there trying to hold it all together! Get it, got it? Good!
Love ya!
L - Stop blaming yourself for the flaws of your husband. He had a choice. You did not... He will be living with his significant flaws the rest of his life... you are the one who is healing now, and will be better in the end (albeit, painfully, but that is part of the process...).
He may not realise it now, but it may happen years down the road for him... (I have heard this so many times).
You are a better person... you have been true to yourself, and have taken the vows of marriage seriously. I know this is hard to hear now, but your character and integrity is part of what makes you such a special person. In a year, you will be happier then he (really). You will be able to sleep soundly at night, because you were true to yourself. He will not. Other people see this in you.
I know every day seems worse than the last, but in this period, its literally about \"hanging on\" and only think about getting through the day.
Hang in there... It will get better ... your friends here will keep listening and supporting you.
Thank you to all for reading and listening. I am stuck in this vortex, I know...I really thought I was getting better and then it hit me a few days ago...I cannot explain it. Mark, thank you.
No need for explanation L. This exact thing happended to me (weeks 1 to 4 were bad, but all of a sudden, week 5 was horrendous... I was truly grieving - Hah - I thought I had cried enough before week 5 to account for all my grieving).
The good news is this - your mood will actually bounce back higher, and you will stay in this mood longer then before ...
You are completely normal... don\'t look for an explanation... talking with others is what helped me through that week .... (thankfully, people were listening!)
Hey L reading the above posts............. you have got greeeatt friends around you!! Let the Healing begin and become a Stronger person :-))
You could not control what he did, believe me I tried. You are not responsible for his actions, you are responsible for only your own. I always tell you that it gets easier, and it does. Do not let that bastard destroy you, you deserve better, you are better. If you wake up daily and do what you need to do, do what is best for your kids then you are one step ahead.
What are you waiting for? If he refuses to stop calling and texting the OW, you know where his head is at! Quit blaming yourself, and being co-dependent on him. First, and foremost,you are your own woman, secondly you are the kids mother, thirdly, you are the jolted wife, who the asshole thinks he can play games with. Dont\' tolerate it for another day!
Take charge, and be the woman you know you must be.