Mornings are hard

I'm upset half the day anymore b/c I find mornings are extremely hard for me.  Some say it's the evenings when they have downtime, maybe nights, but for me it's the mornings when everyone is gone.  I'm angry, now, I have to wake my boys up before 6am to get them out of the house so I can start my job on Tuesday.  It is way too early for them to be out of the house but so be it...I have no choice.  You can tell they are tired and go to bed early, but still they are tired.  I'm tired...so tired of being mentally and emotionally drained.  At night, I feel over and wish he were next to me..he is in the spare bedroom but not next to ME...probably he's dreaming of HER.  I think that is why when A asks to sleep with me..I don't give him grief..I let him.  It's comforting to me to hold me little boy.  Usually N will cry and I have him in bed, as well...we look like the Brady Bunch stuffed all in one bed.  I look at them when they sleep and smile and tear up and think what have I done...what will I do.  Why didn't I see things sooner or question things earlier.  Am I really as stupid as they say?  I think so...no I know so.  I'm just taking the high road for my kids putting my own emotional stability on the line by not firing off everyday what I really want to say to him.  I'm doing this so the boys won't see me as an unstable ass or he cannot use that against me when/if it comes to it.  But..it's draining.  So every morning when all is gone...here I sit with my emotions and let it flow and well up.  I hate the fact that everyone has to suffer for the mistakes I've made, the job I had to take to support myself and the kids, and the way I feel.  Mornings...blahhh!