Mornings

Mornings are beautiful but then they turn sad on me. My usual wake and bake fills me with a euphoria and glorious perspective on the day and excitement for what is going to happen. I start off strong. I work for an hour, making a lot of progress, feeling proud.

Then suddenly I get an overwhelming combination of tiredness and anxiety about what else needs to be done, among other things- like what a disaster of a person I am and a general overanalysis of all of my problems in life. My solution? Smoke another bowl. Because that will make my problems seem small again. But it doesn't help, it just ramps up the anxiety. Eventually this goes on for another few hours, the same pattern... until I finally pull my socks up, shower, and carry on with my workday, often taking a short nap first to sleep off the burnout. I work okay. I manage, I get through. My performance isn't amazing but it's enough to get by. But I know it won't last because i find myself slipping, and often if I'm not careful- small forgetful errors in planning, memory slips here and there that affect my work. I have more responsibility now and the rug could get pulled out from under me if I'm not careful. I resolve to try not to smoke before work tomorrow.

After work I'm lonely, and now it's time to smoke until the night slips away and I don't feel anything anymore except the numbness of sleep. I don't feel depressed, but I'm not happy, either. And then morning comes again and for about fifteen minutes, before I get high, the world truly feels like my oyster again.