Morning Monday Thoughts
I am suposed to write down all my morning thoughts as soon as i wake up. well, ive been awake for a minute, the child comes first but i still remember my dream and today is not a good wake up day. I had a dream about the job i just lost, where i was treated slightly unfairly. in my dream I had to deal a table because the manager had no one else to call on, and it was a mess. there were cards stacked everywhere, and it was also longer than the other, and for some reason i wasnt sitting in the dealer seat but the far end of the table. im decent at pitching cards and somehow kept throwing them off the table. i misplaced my deck for the tournament with the other stacked cards. the boss was angry at me for not being able to keep track of everything. he grabbed someone else, a new dealer, who showed interest in poker, and was nice to her while teaching her to deal a couple hands... while he was not nice to me. i was very angry but i just kept smiling and acting like i was fine. but i was pissed and felt unimportant and felt stupid. for some reason i just couldnt get it right, i was so nervous. i couldnt get a single hand right.
this recently happened, not in the extreme but i was fired about a month ago, while another dealer was given my job. two other dealers actually. at first i was told i was good and was promised a full schedule. i was told i no longer needed to practice. i made one mistake in a tournament, that really wasnt even a mistake, and i was suposed to be back to training. in training you spend your own money to go to work, and do not get paid to deal the tournaments. so i went back to training, always asking questions. i wanted this job bad. its twice what i make now, and a steady paycheck and easier on my back. i watched another get a full schedule, even though the other dealer made just as many mistakes as i did. while i was stuck in training for over a month. but i didnt give up, i kept trying. i was only dealing for pay twice a week. and not in the money rounds but i still made some. got told randomly one day that i was off the schedule.
This made me angry. not only was all that time wasted trying to get into the department... but i lost 3-4 hundred a month not dealing those two days a week, and I need all i can get.
I was having trouble working the table games before... NOW its even harder as i have to stand there, making no money, and watch everyone else make money over in poker. it hurts my back. I am SO tired of the customers. I dont want to deal with anyone. im tired of the stress of HOPING someone tips me. im tired of the abuse. im tired of the bosses. im tired of EVERYTHING there is to do with it. so i go home early alot just so my mouth doesnt go off and i actually keep a job.
and it makes me irritated with myself. i could work more. i could. but at the same time i cant. cant stand it. always before in my life i could do what i needed to do to get through, this time, i cant. i just feel like i physically cant even. i get anxiety. i feel like there are ants crawling all over me and i have to get out of there. Then i go home angry with myself because i didnt stay and try to make more money. because i could have. even if there was no customers, its minimum wage to stand there. so why cant i do it? why is it so hard? cause i need it so badly.
i didnt even have enough money for milk. ive never been a moochy person. ive always had just enough. now im scavaging the house for change. im looking for a new job. but it doesnt happen right off the bat. it just doesnt. im still in college. i have to be. i know how i would feel about myself if i quit that too. but im such a long way from having a degree i can work with. i feel like im going to explode. i feel awful. i feel like a horrible mother. i feel like i cant take care of her properly. i feel like i should give her up at times to a better family.
i could write and write about this till the keypads fall off the laptop. but it doesnt change anything, and it doesnt help. nothing helps this feeling inside me... all the positive things in the world cant seem to conquor this. i read quotes, i share, i try ANYTHING to help me. nothing helps. i hope counseling does. but its only every two weeks. i hope its enough. this needs to stop. i feel trapped inside of myself. i dont knwo what to do.
this recently happened, not in the extreme but i was fired about a month ago, while another dealer was given my job. two other dealers actually. at first i was told i was good and was promised a full schedule. i was told i no longer needed to practice. i made one mistake in a tournament, that really wasnt even a mistake, and i was suposed to be back to training. in training you spend your own money to go to work, and do not get paid to deal the tournaments. so i went back to training, always asking questions. i wanted this job bad. its twice what i make now, and a steady paycheck and easier on my back. i watched another get a full schedule, even though the other dealer made just as many mistakes as i did. while i was stuck in training for over a month. but i didnt give up, i kept trying. i was only dealing for pay twice a week. and not in the money rounds but i still made some. got told randomly one day that i was off the schedule.
This made me angry. not only was all that time wasted trying to get into the department... but i lost 3-4 hundred a month not dealing those two days a week, and I need all i can get.
I was having trouble working the table games before... NOW its even harder as i have to stand there, making no money, and watch everyone else make money over in poker. it hurts my back. I am SO tired of the customers. I dont want to deal with anyone. im tired of the stress of HOPING someone tips me. im tired of the abuse. im tired of the bosses. im tired of EVERYTHING there is to do with it. so i go home early alot just so my mouth doesnt go off and i actually keep a job.
and it makes me irritated with myself. i could work more. i could. but at the same time i cant. cant stand it. always before in my life i could do what i needed to do to get through, this time, i cant. i just feel like i physically cant even. i get anxiety. i feel like there are ants crawling all over me and i have to get out of there. Then i go home angry with myself because i didnt stay and try to make more money. because i could have. even if there was no customers, its minimum wage to stand there. so why cant i do it? why is it so hard? cause i need it so badly.
i didnt even have enough money for milk. ive never been a moochy person. ive always had just enough. now im scavaging the house for change. im looking for a new job. but it doesnt happen right off the bat. it just doesnt. im still in college. i have to be. i know how i would feel about myself if i quit that too. but im such a long way from having a degree i can work with. i feel like im going to explode. i feel awful. i feel like a horrible mother. i feel like i cant take care of her properly. i feel like i should give her up at times to a better family.
i could write and write about this till the keypads fall off the laptop. but it doesnt change anything, and it doesnt help. nothing helps this feeling inside me... all the positive things in the world cant seem to conquor this. i read quotes, i share, i try ANYTHING to help me. nothing helps. i hope counseling does. but its only every two weeks. i hope its enough. this needs to stop. i feel trapped inside of myself. i dont knwo what to do.
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