"Morning Dove Way"
Barbara and I bought our home in Southern California in May of 1997. Like most Americans, we were very proud of our house and happy to be living the "dream" that is home ownership. We always used to laugh that the city had mis-spelled the street name "Morning" as opposed to Mourning". Our neighborhood was populated by "Mourning Doves", beautiful birds with a haunting, soulful cooing sound as if they were moaning in sadness. We always found the sound eerily comforting. Each year, a pair would nest in a hanging flower pot out back on our patio, and we would be blessed with baby doves every spring. I loved that house.
As most of you know, when Barbara died on June 18th of this year, my finances were in a shambles. Our health insurance ran out and my disability expired shortly thereafter. I had no means of even dreaming of keeping the house. With two mortgages, no equity, no income, and a host of credit card balances, hospital bills, and an assortment of other bills, I was done. I had nothing. And I was alone.
When my daughter, Jennifer, came to save me from my shattered existence, I could not bear the thought of sorting through a lifetime of memories that were the contents of our home. I asked her to sell what she could quickly, donate the rest, and just get me out of there. And that is what she did. I left everything behind me. The house, bills, neighbors, my brother-in-law, everything. And I have not looked back.
For me, I cannot imagine living in that house full of memories of things that will never again be. I cannot dwell upon the past and have any sense of a future for myself if I allow myself to be consumed by memories and the sadness of being surrounded by the constant reminders of a life that no longer exists for me. That's just me. We all grieve differently, and we all look at our lives through different lenses, and this is mine. And to this day, I am confident that I made the right decision for ME. As for the bills? I can't pay them anyway, and they can't put me in jail either. So I just left them, too.
This morning I received an e-mail from my neighbor, Debbie, in California. It seems as though she is resentful of my just up and leaving my house and my neighborhood without putting up a fight to remain there. She was very supportive of me and Barbara's brother Phil, who lived with us. She was there for us during those awful, final days of Barbara's illness and death. I am forever grateful to her for that. But in her note, she indicated that the house is going to hell as it awaits foreclosure, and that Phil is having a difficult time fending for himself. And she tells me that she grieves for Barbara, and that I am not the only one who does. She's really trying to put a guilt trip on me, and I am not going to buy into it.
While I have travelled a long way in a relatively short amount of time on this journey we call grief, I know that my grief is far from over. I will grieve for the rest of my life, however long that may be, but I am convinced that I cannot move ahead in my life by wallowing in the past and longing for that which I cannot have. I want to have a happy life, and I believe that I deserve one. I think everyone does. And I believe that God want's us all to be happy in our lives, and not dwell on the things that bring sadness to us. And I seek some peace. Some serenity. And, with God's help, I am on a path that I believe will provide me with these simple desires.
Why should I feel guilty? Why should I stay sad? Why should I live in the past, when God has plans for the future? The answer for me is that I should NOT. My life has been filled with many blessings and many tragedies. But I'm a survivor. And as such, I choose to LIVE and not curl up and die. And I ask no one in particular......"What is wrong with that?"
I came accross this video, and the look on the little girl's face is priceless. She has a look of wonder about her, as she has her whole life ahead of her. While the song is a song of some sadness, it never fails to put a smile on my face, and I could use one today......Maybe you can too.....
Puff, The Magic Dragon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu_rItLPTXc&feature=related
As most of you know, when Barbara died on June 18th of this year, my finances were in a shambles. Our health insurance ran out and my disability expired shortly thereafter. I had no means of even dreaming of keeping the house. With two mortgages, no equity, no income, and a host of credit card balances, hospital bills, and an assortment of other bills, I was done. I had nothing. And I was alone.
When my daughter, Jennifer, came to save me from my shattered existence, I could not bear the thought of sorting through a lifetime of memories that were the contents of our home. I asked her to sell what she could quickly, donate the rest, and just get me out of there. And that is what she did. I left everything behind me. The house, bills, neighbors, my brother-in-law, everything. And I have not looked back.
For me, I cannot imagine living in that house full of memories of things that will never again be. I cannot dwell upon the past and have any sense of a future for myself if I allow myself to be consumed by memories and the sadness of being surrounded by the constant reminders of a life that no longer exists for me. That's just me. We all grieve differently, and we all look at our lives through different lenses, and this is mine. And to this day, I am confident that I made the right decision for ME. As for the bills? I can't pay them anyway, and they can't put me in jail either. So I just left them, too.
This morning I received an e-mail from my neighbor, Debbie, in California. It seems as though she is resentful of my just up and leaving my house and my neighborhood without putting up a fight to remain there. She was very supportive of me and Barbara's brother Phil, who lived with us. She was there for us during those awful, final days of Barbara's illness and death. I am forever grateful to her for that. But in her note, she indicated that the house is going to hell as it awaits foreclosure, and that Phil is having a difficult time fending for himself. And she tells me that she grieves for Barbara, and that I am not the only one who does. She's really trying to put a guilt trip on me, and I am not going to buy into it.
While I have travelled a long way in a relatively short amount of time on this journey we call grief, I know that my grief is far from over. I will grieve for the rest of my life, however long that may be, but I am convinced that I cannot move ahead in my life by wallowing in the past and longing for that which I cannot have. I want to have a happy life, and I believe that I deserve one. I think everyone does. And I believe that God want's us all to be happy in our lives, and not dwell on the things that bring sadness to us. And I seek some peace. Some serenity. And, with God's help, I am on a path that I believe will provide me with these simple desires.
Why should I feel guilty? Why should I stay sad? Why should I live in the past, when God has plans for the future? The answer for me is that I should NOT. My life has been filled with many blessings and many tragedies. But I'm a survivor. And as such, I choose to LIVE and not curl up and die. And I ask no one in particular......"What is wrong with that?"
I came accross this video, and the look on the little girl's face is priceless. She has a look of wonder about her, as she has her whole life ahead of her. While the song is a song of some sadness, it never fails to put a smile on my face, and I could use one today......Maybe you can too.....
Puff, The Magic Dragon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu_rItLPTXc&feature=related
Replies
Joe, so many of us are just a couple of missed paychecks away from disaster.
You and I will be long dead and longer gone and the world will go on without us. When you\'ve done all you can do, and there\'s nothing left to do, then it\'s time to move along to something better if it\'s available.
No, giving into despair is not an option. It simply isn\'t...I won\'t let you...and you won\'t let me, either.
Life is about thriving for some and survival for the rest of us. I\'m in a good place, right now, but I also know that it wouldn\'t take much...and I could be a pauper.
My life of trauma would have my mind warped into believing that I deserve where I am. This apparently caring neighbor may or may not take as much as they give to you..over this property...and it\'s condition. They can always try to move, too.
We\'re all pretty powerless, Joe. Everyone will suffer some helplessness in their lives. But, you\'ve got a place to sleep, food to eat, and a heart full of love to give.
I\'ll tell you again...keep broadcasting your love.
It doesn\'t matter how big the radio station might be, or what it looks like, or how well it\'s funded...it matters the message it broadcasts.
Don\'t be sad...keep looking forward and upward.
You can\'t have your chin on your chest when your looking straight up.
I say AMEN! to your journal entry and AMEN! to Tigerpaws response...God Bless You Both!!! And Here\'s a HUG for each of you..... ~E~
You may be familiar with this little thought - I read it recently and agree wholeheartedly:
\"We can\'t build our life on what is past; that part is over. With God\'s
help we can build our life with what we now have. Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That\'s why we call it the
present.\"
I don\'t know who originated this - but I like it!
Blessings to you -
Doye
Anyone facing a catastrophic illness is the blink of an eye from where you are. The neighbor has NOT walked in your shoes. Who knows where she might be if she had? The only thing I can say is that she truly has no idea....There is NO WAY to prepare for this.
You gave a very great deal and now it is time to move forward into a new phase of living. You have accepted the things you cannot change and are doing incredibly hard work to change the things you can, You have so much to give and I most dearly hope so much to get!
It\'s always a bad idea to try & live someone elses life for them.You are on target with your plans.Stay strong & don\'t let anybody guilt trip you.
Joe, You are so right God does have plans for us. As he says in Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. At this time for most of us, we sometimes forget that God does have plans to give us hope and a future. I hope that we will all remember God\'s promise.
Hugs, Carla