Morning,and another day awaits

Good morning journal,the time is 8:52am,I have been fully awake since just before 7:00am when our oldest dog Buttons roused me for the third time in a night of what can best be described as restless and broken sleep.So,as always when I am the sole member of our family who is awake,I come here to read and to visit,I feel I belong when I am here,and it is a long time since I felt I belonged anywhere.My illnesses can make me feel very lonely at times and there are occasions when I feel that nobody,even those members of my medical team,understands me,my wife is absolutely awesome,but there are times when I feel that even she,the person who knows me better than any other person on the planet apart from Jesus doesn't know exactly where I'm at.When I am feeling particularly bad,or feeling very depressed,I tend to try and hide it,usually by one of three methods,I sleep,I become silent and isolated,or I have a drink;sleep works,until I wake that is,becoming silent makes my wife think that it's all her fault,which it isn't,and alcohol provides a temporary solace but worries my wife even more than the silence,it's a no win situation however you look at it.The anti psychotic medication I am currently taking had the dosage doubled by my doctor on my last visit,it leaves me tired and disorientated most of the time,a bit like walking through molasses in slow motion,but it is helping to stabilize my moods a little.The acute dizziness I experience on rising from a seated position is still a source of concern for me however,and I have almost fallen over on more than one occasion,it could just be due to the increased dosage of quetiapine/seroquel,or it could be that my blood sugar count is playing bad guy again,I won't know if the diabetic medication that I have recently started taking is working until my next set of blood tests next month when we will find out if the metformin I have been prescribed is doing what it's supposed to.I have been a type two diabetic for eight years and my diabetes had been successfully controlled by diet and exercise but since my collapse at work last July,and my inability to work since,my blood sugar count has gone through the roof leaving no alternative than to look for medication to bring it back into line.I have lost weight dramatically since last July,so much so,that when I went to my friends funeral last week there were friends there that I had known for years who did not recognize me until I actually introduced myself.One friend,whom I had worked with every day for eleven years was visibly shaken by my appearance and had no idea who I was until I shook him by the hand and told him my name,I did not realize until then how much my illness had changed me physically,it was quite a shock to the system it has to be said.Even more so was the fact that my oldest son whom I last saw on New Years day failed to recognize me totally until I spoke to him and I could see how shocked he was,how can your own family not know who you are?.The voices in my mind are still very much a part of my daily life,I can not only hear them now,I can actually see them in physical form at times within my mind,and the most frightening thing of all?,it doesn't scare me one bit,I just accept that they are a part of me as much as my right arm is a part of my body.I have found myself talking to them audibly,to other people it must seem that I am just an old man who has lost his marbles a bit chattering away to himself,but in fact I am part of a four way conversation in my head,it really is most peculiar and the strangest feeling.Anyway,another day awaits us as a family,and I must endeavor to get through the rest of it the best way I can,and try not to worry those who love me any more than I already do,so until next time journal,let us pray for peace within us,and a day of contentment for my family members who have already suffered so much because of me.