Morning
It rained here early morning-we needed it as the pollen has been terrible this year and still has not let up. The yellow film on my newly washed car tells it all. I'm giving up on keeping it clean for awhile. The governor here reopened restaurants and retail 25% yesterday-I don't even know why he bothered to open anything-this hardly makes a difference and it won't take long for those places to fill up to 25% capacity. I guess it's something-but after being couped up with nothing to do but eat, I will hardly be wanting to sit in a restaurant anytime soon. Now....a nail salon...thats another story.
The isolation and stagnacy has made my eating disorder start to rear its ugly head again. I am constantly thinking about the reprecussions of No gym and eating too much. It's overwhelming and Joe doesn't understand the less I put in my mouth today-the less I have to work in the gym when it does open. All that is on his mind is eating dinner together. But, that then makes me think I should be skipping meals earlier in the day. I did some reading on the Slimfast Keto diet yesterday-it atleast is structured enough to where I know what i'm eating and when I'm eating and can still manage to lose the 10 lbs ive put on. For someone that has struggled with weight issues (I was never obese) but, I have body dysmorphia so when I look in the mirror all I see is fat, it's been hard. I have gotten out and started walking the dog after work but this is not enough. For someone that use to be in the gym 6 days a week and watched every calorie, I am struggling. I know that theres people out there is far worse shape and have lost loved ones and know I should not be complaining. But-it consumes me.
I am going by Roomies this evening to pick up my weights and mail. I haven't seen him in a few weeks and wonder what the state of the house will be. I always hate going there and then having to leave. I am trying so hard to move forward in all this-I am trying to stay in the current lane...but, I'm always going to feel guilty and concerned for Roomie.
I have counseling tonight. My last session did not get anywhere. I tried explaining to my counselor why I was making the decisions I am but she seemed to think I was making mistakes. I'm doing what my head is telling me. Obviously if I was listening to my heart, I'd be back at Roomies letting the guilt sway me. There is never a RIGHT decision.
Replies
About the only thing my head and my heart seem to have in common is their love of conflicting information. How can I feel so many different ways about a single phenom, all at one time? How can I over-think which outfit makes The Right Statement? Both my head and my heart also seem to do fair imitations of each other, just to put icing on the shit pie. Do I follow my head or my heart? Okay! ! ! Who asked that?
Resonates with this beaten crazy bitch wolf that there is never a RIGHT decision. I just takes my best guess and keep cleaning supplies handy to clean up missed guesses while allowing others the dignity of their own decision making process.
Yes Arfie-need to stock up on my cleaning supplies :)
I always believed that what we consider the heart is really still the head. We just deliniate by head and heart because that seems to help us to make sense of, or justify, why we do what we do.
If the decisions in question are either go back to roomie or staying with Joe, my thought would be why does it have to be one or the other, either/or? Maybe the right decision is neither. I think your therapist is just trying to help you see blind spots.
One of my greater confidences is that I have learned MUCH more from taking strictly personal responsibility for cleaning up my own missed guesses than I ever learned from using my awesome research talents for finding ****The Right Response****.
I never lose. I either learn or I win. Don't underestimate the value of learning.
Yeah that’s true.. Approaching it like that kind of removes the right or wrong aspect from it. It’s just making choices and decisions, and then living and/or learning after. I think back on my life and it would be hard to call anything I did an outright bad decision because you do gain insight and knowledge about yourself and others from those experiences. I do at times think “if I had only” but that just turns into a slippery slope of self flagellation which is pointless and more harmful than any regret or mistake I’ve made.
I think it comes down to always trusting myself first. I rely on my self trust in every decision I make. I even trust I may not get something right, but that is still trusting myself. Right now especially in this crazy world we live in where it’s such a struggle for everyone, I trust myself first and foremost. Doing that helps me stay in the moment and gives me a sense of peace that is hard to come by these days.