Morning 12/23/2013
I woke up feeling a bit lost and sad. The chronic pain is here but not too bad. The fact that I focus on the pain makes it worse. I'm not sure that it will ever go away and I feel as long as it lasts I won't be able to recover from this depression.
I can't count on this chronic pain going away anytime soon so I can't hinge my depression recovery on that happening. Somehow I have to recover from depression despite the chronic pain. I just pray to God that I can do it.
I pray to God to help me recover not just for myself but for my family and friends. I see the sadness in my mom's eyes when she see's me in this state of mind. Please God allow me to recover so I can make my mom happy again. She has lived such a hard life I don't want to cause her any sadness. I have to do this for her. I have to do this for myself. I have to do this for my friends. People are counting on me to get better.
I feel like there is a door that I need to open. I get close to the door by I just can't reach the doorknob. I think the worst part is that I can't seem to put a finger on exactly why I'm in this state of mind. I have accepted my fathers passing and I know he is in a wonderful place...I can feel it. The chronic pain is an issue but it's not the main issue.
I think being unhappy and worried is just a terrible habit that I can't seem to break. It's a cycle that I need to get out of. I keep hearing that song "Show Me How To Live" by Sound Garden. That's how I feel. I pray that God can show me how to live. I pray that God puts people in my path that can show me how to live.
Can you learn to be happy? I'm going to do some research. Maybe there is a book that can teach me how to be happy? I feel like a child learning how to ride a bike but without training wheels and without an adult to show me what I'm doing right or wrong.
I know that somewhere inside my own mind there is a solution. I know the chronic pain is being magnified by my negative reaction to it. For some reason I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy and at peace. Why would I feel like I'm not allowed to feel happy?
I've always tried so hard to be a good person. I try so hard to do the right thing. I never want to hurt anyone or anything. I feel good when I can help someone or be kind to someone. Why can't I be happy?
Did I live another life where I was a bad person? Maybe I'm being punished for something that happened in another time. I don't think that's true but I guess anything is possible.
I do feel guilty for feeling this sadness when so many others have so much more to be sad about. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Why do I have to punish myself so much? It's like even if I have a small moment of peace I'll search out a negative to focus on and put myself right back into the pit.
I'm going to do some pushups and get the blood flowing. Then take a shower and shave. I don't want to do any of it but I'm going to do it anyway.
I feel like if I could move time forward to like April maybe things will be better. Maybe the spring time will bring some relief. Being able to open the windows, hear the birds, see the new leaves and plant so to grow again. I have no idea if that will help or not but it feels like it might help.
Let's say Spring is the answer. That's great but do I suffer for the next 4 months? And then what? What if Spring gets here and I'm still miserable? How sad would that be?
I'm glad to be on vacation but I think I'm going to do some work just to catch up without having to worry about anyone bugging me.
My mind is all over the place. My journal is so random. I guess depression does that. I wish there was something I could do that would help. If I could just scream or cry or something and then move on for the day. I wonder how I will view this period of time in 10 years from now? Will I be better thanking God I survived this period? Will I still be in hell? Will I even be alive by then? The worst part is not knowing if or when this mental and physical pain will end.
I know you have to suffer before you can truly appreciate joy. But how long do you have to suffer? When hours feel like days and days like weeks moving forward seems like a daunting task.
It's time to get something done...more to come later...please God get me through another day.
I can't count on this chronic pain going away anytime soon so I can't hinge my depression recovery on that happening. Somehow I have to recover from depression despite the chronic pain. I just pray to God that I can do it.
I pray to God to help me recover not just for myself but for my family and friends. I see the sadness in my mom's eyes when she see's me in this state of mind. Please God allow me to recover so I can make my mom happy again. She has lived such a hard life I don't want to cause her any sadness. I have to do this for her. I have to do this for myself. I have to do this for my friends. People are counting on me to get better.
I feel like there is a door that I need to open. I get close to the door by I just can't reach the doorknob. I think the worst part is that I can't seem to put a finger on exactly why I'm in this state of mind. I have accepted my fathers passing and I know he is in a wonderful place...I can feel it. The chronic pain is an issue but it's not the main issue.
I think being unhappy and worried is just a terrible habit that I can't seem to break. It's a cycle that I need to get out of. I keep hearing that song "Show Me How To Live" by Sound Garden. That's how I feel. I pray that God can show me how to live. I pray that God puts people in my path that can show me how to live.
Can you learn to be happy? I'm going to do some research. Maybe there is a book that can teach me how to be happy? I feel like a child learning how to ride a bike but without training wheels and without an adult to show me what I'm doing right or wrong.
I know that somewhere inside my own mind there is a solution. I know the chronic pain is being magnified by my negative reaction to it. For some reason I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy and at peace. Why would I feel like I'm not allowed to feel happy?
I've always tried so hard to be a good person. I try so hard to do the right thing. I never want to hurt anyone or anything. I feel good when I can help someone or be kind to someone. Why can't I be happy?
Did I live another life where I was a bad person? Maybe I'm being punished for something that happened in another time. I don't think that's true but I guess anything is possible.
I do feel guilty for feeling this sadness when so many others have so much more to be sad about. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Why do I have to punish myself so much? It's like even if I have a small moment of peace I'll search out a negative to focus on and put myself right back into the pit.
I'm going to do some pushups and get the blood flowing. Then take a shower and shave. I don't want to do any of it but I'm going to do it anyway.
I feel like if I could move time forward to like April maybe things will be better. Maybe the spring time will bring some relief. Being able to open the windows, hear the birds, see the new leaves and plant so to grow again. I have no idea if that will help or not but it feels like it might help.
Let's say Spring is the answer. That's great but do I suffer for the next 4 months? And then what? What if Spring gets here and I'm still miserable? How sad would that be?
I'm glad to be on vacation but I think I'm going to do some work just to catch up without having to worry about anyone bugging me.
My mind is all over the place. My journal is so random. I guess depression does that. I wish there was something I could do that would help. If I could just scream or cry or something and then move on for the day. I wonder how I will view this period of time in 10 years from now? Will I be better thanking God I survived this period? Will I still be in hell? Will I even be alive by then? The worst part is not knowing if or when this mental and physical pain will end.
I know you have to suffer before you can truly appreciate joy. But how long do you have to suffer? When hours feel like days and days like weeks moving forward seems like a daunting task.
It's time to get something done...more to come later...please God get me through another day.
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