More venting

Crying again; My Adopted Father asked me when I was younger; where I (me) ever 'went wrong' to get off the track. I lied and blamed it on genetics, because any and all other previous attempts to communicate the truth, or find support in my adopted parents had failed. So, I reverted until; I believed the lie myself. So after all these years, I guess it has literally driven me to 'crazy'. I still bounce from crying to hating and don't know how 'to get over it'; the VICTIM BLAMING put onto me for basically everything I ever did that was wrong. I was so damaged from their' denial & blaming that it causes chronic emotional/mental/spiritual suffering. I do not wish to feel sorry for myself or have such pathetic self-pity, but even after all the counseling, therapy,& support from community organizations, it still feels like an ugly night-mare/hangover that NEVER really leaves me. It does make me feel like a loser, no matter how much positive affirmation practice, attempts at forgiving anyone/everyone & gestalt-type self care/affirmation attempts that I have made. The self-parenting, gestalt/affirmation-type practice has helped more than anything else, because my Dad is now dead & my family basically have estranged me, although I love them desparately and think of them as my family because they are the only almost-bonded-with people in my life besides my own children, but I do truly feel 'ruined' & don't know how to move on. I don't let suicidal thoughts rent headspace because I know that I am more worthy of life than my Father or sexual-interfering brother could have ever bothered to give a second thought about. AND I know that  my survivors of foster/adoptive-care recovery (late) mentors would be proud of me for doing so well, and it's their' memory that keeps me strong, along with the absolute dedication I feel for my grown children & dependant (on me) grand-daughter. Anyways, I must continue to regularly vent this ugliness from my system, because the toxicity of it wears me out & makes me feel sickly and un-functioning most of the time. Thank-you DS Journal for this outlet opportunity.