More time with my son - My fault she left - again
I had my son last night. My ex declined to bring him over for dinner and a Dr. Who episode as we had been doing. She had me pick him up. She said she won't be coming over any more. I realize this is for the best, but somehow it still hurt as another rejection and another step in her leaving.
Since she made the decision to break up the second (final) time in December, I went from seeing her and my son five or six times a week, to only seeing my son Tuesday and every other weekend per the divorce agreement from April 2014. I miss them both so much. Withdrawal is hell. Going a whole week in between seeing my son is too long.
I asked her if I could see him even for a little while this Saturday. She said no and that it was totally insensitive of me to ask that on her weekend. I apologized and let her know that I just want to see him anytime in-between and asked about maybe taking him to dinner on Friday nights on the "off" weeks. She could even join us so she doesn't lose that time with him.
Her reply was unexpected and off-topic. Even though she continued to take her week+ trips to see Neil, she replied with a lengthy email that included: "Leave what happened between us exactly where it belongs: the actions between us. They are telling. Subconsciously, for whatever reason, you were bringing this relationship to a close- guaranteeing it, in fact. Even when I was in the midst of denial about it being over,..." Huh? She is the one who divorced me, resumed relations with me with "no commitment, I'll let you know if it changes" and kept seeing Neil. How is that being in denial that it was over? How did I subconsciously bring it to a close?
Maybe I knew it was harming me in the long run, but I was in denial and was doing everything in my power to make it work.
Pain. More Pain. It was my fault she left. I'm not good enough for her. Pain.
Then, another email followed and she said yes that she and my son will go to dinner with me Friday night, but it will be an exception and not set in stone. So, is it an exception that she will join us? Or is it an exception that she will let me see him at all on my off Fridays? Do I dare even ask?
I know I need to detach and release her to Neil with love, but I'm in agony. I just want to see my son a little more. I'm torn up that she will be coming too this time. I know I made the offer, but I also know deep down that it makes it harder for me to move on and detach. I'm so confused and so hurting.
Since she made the decision to break up the second (final) time in December, I went from seeing her and my son five or six times a week, to only seeing my son Tuesday and every other weekend per the divorce agreement from April 2014. I miss them both so much. Withdrawal is hell. Going a whole week in between seeing my son is too long.
I asked her if I could see him even for a little while this Saturday. She said no and that it was totally insensitive of me to ask that on her weekend. I apologized and let her know that I just want to see him anytime in-between and asked about maybe taking him to dinner on Friday nights on the "off" weeks. She could even join us so she doesn't lose that time with him.
Her reply was unexpected and off-topic. Even though she continued to take her week+ trips to see Neil, she replied with a lengthy email that included: "Leave what happened between us exactly where it belongs: the actions between us. They are telling. Subconsciously, for whatever reason, you were bringing this relationship to a close- guaranteeing it, in fact. Even when I was in the midst of denial about it being over,..." Huh? She is the one who divorced me, resumed relations with me with "no commitment, I'll let you know if it changes" and kept seeing Neil. How is that being in denial that it was over? How did I subconsciously bring it to a close?
Maybe I knew it was harming me in the long run, but I was in denial and was doing everything in my power to make it work.
Pain. More Pain. It was my fault she left. I'm not good enough for her. Pain.
Then, another email followed and she said yes that she and my son will go to dinner with me Friday night, but it will be an exception and not set in stone. So, is it an exception that she will join us? Or is it an exception that she will let me see him at all on my off Fridays? Do I dare even ask?
I know I need to detach and release her to Neil with love, but I'm in agony. I just want to see my son a little more. I'm torn up that she will be coming too this time. I know I made the offer, but I also know deep down that it makes it harder for me to move on and detach. I'm so confused and so hurting.
Replies
The faster you stop including your ex in dinners out and other activities the faster you will heal. It sucks believe me I know but she has clearly moved on with her new boyfriend as my ex wife has done also. This is still early goings for you if you broke up in December. Its a pain like no other, especially when the ex moves on so effortlessly into another relationship. But you really should not discuss anything with her except your child and preferably through emails. Maybe wayyyy in the future talking with her is a possibility but you are clearly in too much pain to continue. You guys broke up before and reconciled and then broke up again, so I would say this time its over. You have to accept it, and its going to take time and its going to hurt but continuing contact and having dinners with her as a family unit will make you feel like hell. I tried it too, it does not work. The faster you accept this and put very limited contact into place, preferably no contact but with kids thats next to impossible...the better off you\'ll be. Good luck man, believe me I know what you\'re feeling.
Thank you kbb.
Good news I think? She just texted me \"Looks like you and Trev are flying solo. Bev just reminded me that we have a dinner with the girls this Friday.\"
So, she won\'t be there when I pick him up or when I drop him off in all likelihood.
Relieved or disappointed? Such conflicting feelings. I know it is best this way though, and I\'ll keep getting stronger.