More thoughts on this snow day....
It's occurred to me lately how ridiculously low my standards for what constitutes "niceness" and "decency" and "loving behaviors" has gotten. I've only just realized recently that, unlike the abuse cycle I keep reading and hearing about--there is simply NO honeymoon period, no attempt made for him to be nice any longer. Oh, sure, when I leave there is the obligatory hoover--but essentially, even THAT does not loving behavior make. He simply continues reiterating how I cannot possibly raise these children on my own, mostly because they are so out of control, and how we cannot work on OUR problems if we are not together, and how he acknowledges that we BOTH have serious issues that need to be addressed. Never once does he apologize for his abuse, nor does he take any responsibility for his actions/behaviors/feelings--as it is always something I have done, or the kids have done, or something we have not done that is causing him to.....fill in the blanks. After a couple days of this constant badgering, and I do mean constant, when I tell him I need time and space he refuses to give it to me. He literally follows me around, I guess the term would be stalking, calls me constantly and if I won't answer he just shows up wherever I am--like he has GPS on my person. (Maybe he's implanted a microchip; sorry just kidding--don't want to sound paranoid). But....there is no down time with him--no breaks, no goodness, no happiness, no joy, no emotional closeness--he goes from totally not being around at all to just being mean, nasty, and abusive (so much that I am happy that he is never around).
Take yesterday for example. I slid in the snow, spun around, and nearly hit a brick sign. I was terrified, shaken up, whatever word you want to call it, still had to travel another 35 miles to get home, and let's face it...I wasn't comfortable going anywhere. I called him because I didn't know how to turn the hazard lights on in the car, and really I was going to need him to come get me so I could get home.Rather than displaying any kind of concern about my wellbeing--AT ALL--he immediately began screaming at me that I was a freaking idiot, I am a terrible driver, I should never have gone to work (while if I hadn't gone to work I would have been lazy and a drama queen). I kept interrupting him trying to ask how to turn on the hazard lights, but he couldn't stop his tirade long enough to answer me. He then hangs up on me. He did show up to get me. Then he made me stand outside of the car, on the side of a busy highway that was slick with snow and slush; in the snowstorm and in my dress clothes and heels while he turned the car around and got it back on the road. As he is driving past me, he rolls down the window and tells me to get into his truck (which is across said busy highway at this point). No other instructions as he drives off--doesn't even stay to make sure I don't get run over on my way across said highway that is teeming with traffic and covered in slushy snow.
I get in his work truck (which I have never driven anything this large and it belongs to his company--not either of us). I'm not sure what he expects me to do as he did not give me further instructions other than "get in my truck"--didn't tell me to go anywhere, run it into a ditch, nothing. I try to call him, only to find out that his phone is still in the truck, not with him. At this point I am frantic with fear--I REALLY don't want to drive at all on these roads. I REALLY wouldn't want to drive this big truck even if the roads were clear of cars and bad weather. I KNOW from experience that whatever choice I make at this point is going to be wrong and cause a fight--if I leave to go find him, I will get berated about what an idiot I am, how could I be so stupid as to drive in this truck. If I don't, I will be berated because really what did I think he wanted me to do. It is a no-win situation, but rather than continue to sit there, I started driving. Just as I take off, I see him walking back to me on the shoulder. I slow down and get over again. THIS causes a tirade because I could have caused an accident on the highway pulling out in front of people (which I did not--I waited until nobody was coming at all) and then slowing down to pick him up (which what was I supposed to do, speed up and hit him? Actually, on second thought, that might not have been such a bad idea.....)
He tells me to drop him back off at the car because there is no way I am going to be able to get the car down the road--in fact, he's not even sure he can because it just isn't handling well on the road. I am afraid to tell him that I am not comfortable driving at all, and certainly not in his truck, because I can already hear that conversation. So, I drop him off and follow at a respectable distance for about 5-10 miles until he decides he can't possibly drive any further in that car. Oh yeah, when he pulled out, I waited a good 5 minutes this time until nobody at all was coming down the highway--at least not as far as the eye could see. Remember, he had just chastised me for pulling out when there were cars coming, as it wasn't safe for them to try to brake to avoid me. This time, he calls to ask where I am and I tell him that I had waited for the cars to go so I am a few car lengths behind him. He then starts screaming at me on the phone (which is already making me nervous, damn it, it was hard enough to concentrate on driving without this idiot screaming in my ear, and I couldn't even hang up because it would require me taking my hands off the wheel.) Anyway, I was supposed to be following him so I should have pulled out when he did. Lord, I just can't win.
I overheard he and his cousin laughing about my poor driving skills and inexperience being the cause of me running off the road, yet he kept lecturing me the whole way home about how dangerous these conditions were and that nobody should be driving without four-wheel drive. Lord he is a study in contradictions. Sometimes his contradictions can come so fast and furiously that it leaves my head spinning, just trying to figure out what he really means.
Anyway, just a rant about the lack of care in this relationship and about how consistently he is mean and horrible. And here I thought any day I wasn't getting hit or called a bitch in anger (when he's "joking" it seems okay) was a good day. What a shock to realize there are no such things in our house--good days that is.
Take yesterday for example. I slid in the snow, spun around, and nearly hit a brick sign. I was terrified, shaken up, whatever word you want to call it, still had to travel another 35 miles to get home, and let's face it...I wasn't comfortable going anywhere. I called him because I didn't know how to turn the hazard lights on in the car, and really I was going to need him to come get me so I could get home.Rather than displaying any kind of concern about my wellbeing--AT ALL--he immediately began screaming at me that I was a freaking idiot, I am a terrible driver, I should never have gone to work (while if I hadn't gone to work I would have been lazy and a drama queen). I kept interrupting him trying to ask how to turn on the hazard lights, but he couldn't stop his tirade long enough to answer me. He then hangs up on me. He did show up to get me. Then he made me stand outside of the car, on the side of a busy highway that was slick with snow and slush; in the snowstorm and in my dress clothes and heels while he turned the car around and got it back on the road. As he is driving past me, he rolls down the window and tells me to get into his truck (which is across said busy highway at this point). No other instructions as he drives off--doesn't even stay to make sure I don't get run over on my way across said highway that is teeming with traffic and covered in slushy snow.
I get in his work truck (which I have never driven anything this large and it belongs to his company--not either of us). I'm not sure what he expects me to do as he did not give me further instructions other than "get in my truck"--didn't tell me to go anywhere, run it into a ditch, nothing. I try to call him, only to find out that his phone is still in the truck, not with him. At this point I am frantic with fear--I REALLY don't want to drive at all on these roads. I REALLY wouldn't want to drive this big truck even if the roads were clear of cars and bad weather. I KNOW from experience that whatever choice I make at this point is going to be wrong and cause a fight--if I leave to go find him, I will get berated about what an idiot I am, how could I be so stupid as to drive in this truck. If I don't, I will be berated because really what did I think he wanted me to do. It is a no-win situation, but rather than continue to sit there, I started driving. Just as I take off, I see him walking back to me on the shoulder. I slow down and get over again. THIS causes a tirade because I could have caused an accident on the highway pulling out in front of people (which I did not--I waited until nobody was coming at all) and then slowing down to pick him up (which what was I supposed to do, speed up and hit him? Actually, on second thought, that might not have been such a bad idea.....)
He tells me to drop him back off at the car because there is no way I am going to be able to get the car down the road--in fact, he's not even sure he can because it just isn't handling well on the road. I am afraid to tell him that I am not comfortable driving at all, and certainly not in his truck, because I can already hear that conversation. So, I drop him off and follow at a respectable distance for about 5-10 miles until he decides he can't possibly drive any further in that car. Oh yeah, when he pulled out, I waited a good 5 minutes this time until nobody at all was coming down the highway--at least not as far as the eye could see. Remember, he had just chastised me for pulling out when there were cars coming, as it wasn't safe for them to try to brake to avoid me. This time, he calls to ask where I am and I tell him that I had waited for the cars to go so I am a few car lengths behind him. He then starts screaming at me on the phone (which is already making me nervous, damn it, it was hard enough to concentrate on driving without this idiot screaming in my ear, and I couldn't even hang up because it would require me taking my hands off the wheel.) Anyway, I was supposed to be following him so I should have pulled out when he did. Lord, I just can't win.
I overheard he and his cousin laughing about my poor driving skills and inexperience being the cause of me running off the road, yet he kept lecturing me the whole way home about how dangerous these conditions were and that nobody should be driving without four-wheel drive. Lord he is a study in contradictions. Sometimes his contradictions can come so fast and furiously that it leaves my head spinning, just trying to figure out what he really means.
Anyway, just a rant about the lack of care in this relationship and about how consistently he is mean and horrible. And here I thought any day I wasn't getting hit or called a bitch in anger (when he's "joking" it seems okay) was a good day. What a shock to realize there are no such things in our house--good days that is.
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