More thinking.....

This morning I think I had a mini panic attack. As I've never really had one, and it wasn't as bad as I've heard they can be,I can't be sure but whatever it was sucked. I suddenly stated thinking of the aspect of this relationship that has been the hardest to cope with for me: the utter terror and hopelessness that comes with the realization that you can't keep your children safe. I literally could not catch my breath...felt as if a weight was crushing my chest as I relived times that I refused to fight back for fear that he would turn on my kids. Nights I tried to be silent and keep him in the bedroom while he argued or worse for fear that the kids would hear and try to come to my rescue. The pleading with my babies to behave in a way that went totally against what I believed children should do forfear that he would get angry. He was bigger and stronger than me and I was afraid I couldn't stop him. The feelings off absolute stark terror if he got home before me, literally flying down the road sick the whole way afraid something horrible would happen before I got there. Sending my son to my sister's to stay when the tension got too great between the two of them because I was so afraid he was going to really hurt my son....or that my son would kill him and go to prison. Lord the anxiety was so extreme, still is. There was the fear that he would kill me or when I got sick that I would due and he would actually be left alone with them, no me to buffer sine of his evil.. I've felt hopeless but I can honestly say never suicidal for the simple fact that I refuse to abandon my children to his sickness completely. To me this is the worst aspect of the lady 18 years