More ramblings of my mind
I'm having a lot of crazy symptoms and a lot of pain. I twitch constantly. I just got a call back from my Neuro and they said that with what they see on my MRI and last appointment, I shouldn't be having these problems. I 'm having trouble walking and using a cane most days, these headaches are terrible. I'm very depressed and all I do is eat my feelings. I'm starting to feel as if I am going crazy at times. I don't feel my legs at times and my brain doesn't always communicate. I sit in my house most days and when I do I get on the feel sorry for myself train and it takes nearly an act of god to get me out of it. I try to be happy, I try to do things that I enjoy which isn't much anymore. Most of what I do enjoy is on the "DO NOT" list. I sit too long it hurts, I lay to long it hurts, I stand to long it hurts, I walk to long and it hurts for weeks. I've been gaining weight like crazy, that is partially due to my eating my feelings.Which in turn doesn't help with my depressed state.
I went to the store the other day and walked in with 6 kids and a cane. I got out a motorized cart and started my shopping trip to get things for my daughter's 9th birthday party. As I'm starting my shopping, the carts battery decided to die. I had my kids push the cart back to the front of the store. I then in turn parked the dead cart and got another. No sooner as I had pulled out of the area where the carts were plugged, I hear, "Look at that? Doesn't she know those are for people with disabilities?" I shrugged it off and went along with my business. The entire time I was in the store, I was hearing comments of the like murmured under breath as if I wasn't there to hear. By the time I got to the check out I was ready to cry. These people don't know what I go through!!! They have no idea! So what if I "LOOK NORMAL"! I'm not "normal", not anymore. I hate going shopping for this reason. I hate going out in public, people see me and then they see nothing but my outward appearance which is their definition of "normal". I hate people right now. I hate going out in public. IF I didn't have to I wouldn't, but then the whole cycle of depression worsens.
I HATE MY SM! I HATE MY SYRINX! I HATE WHAT IT HAS DONE TO MY BODY AND MY MIND AND WHAT IT WILL CONTINUE TO DO! I DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT! I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON THAT THE SM AND SYRINX HAS CREATED! I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE ME WENT!
I went to the store the other day and walked in with 6 kids and a cane. I got out a motorized cart and started my shopping trip to get things for my daughter's 9th birthday party. As I'm starting my shopping, the carts battery decided to die. I had my kids push the cart back to the front of the store. I then in turn parked the dead cart and got another. No sooner as I had pulled out of the area where the carts were plugged, I hear, "Look at that? Doesn't she know those are for people with disabilities?" I shrugged it off and went along with my business. The entire time I was in the store, I was hearing comments of the like murmured under breath as if I wasn't there to hear. By the time I got to the check out I was ready to cry. These people don't know what I go through!!! They have no idea! So what if I "LOOK NORMAL"! I'm not "normal", not anymore. I hate going shopping for this reason. I hate going out in public, people see me and then they see nothing but my outward appearance which is their definition of "normal". I hate people right now. I hate going out in public. IF I didn't have to I wouldn't, but then the whole cycle of depression worsens.
I HATE MY SM! I HATE MY SYRINX! I HATE WHAT IT HAS DONE TO MY BODY AND MY MIND AND WHAT IT WILL CONTINUE TO DO! I DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT! I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON THAT THE SM AND SYRINX HAS CREATED! I WANT TO BE ME AGAIN, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE ME WENT!
Replies
All I can say is I understand. That this has happened to me and I have felt the same. I am glad you got your thought out in your journal. Keeping in all the anger isn\'t good. Most people are so ignorant. I can\'t count the amount of times I been told I look fine or normal that I should get a job. Gotten looks for asking at the grocery store for help putting my groceries to check out. I get the look why do you need help. I shouldn\'t have to defend myself. I have stated several times that I am disabled, most times I am not even sure if they believe me. I can see that you are struggling with your diagnosis. I still am too. I am sorry you are feeling so depressed and want to isolate. I do this a lot because I just live by myself and have no children. I wish I had been able to have children and that makes me angry. I feel that pain takes many things from us. Different things for different people. I wish that people would stop being so judgemental and simply stop thinking they know everything. Who wants to use an electric cart, Unfortantely they will never get unless they have chronic pain. I think all of her at CP would have a lot of money if we had a dollar for all the people who tell us we look fine or you don\'t look sick, or you don\'t look like your disabled. I always wanted to have a body cast I could put on and off so people could see something was wrong. Try to remember that you know you are in pain, try to ignore there ignorance and keep focus on yourself.
Stranded,
I do understand the inability to have children. I am infertile. The only reason that I have the children that I do is because my husband was left with them by his first wife, their mother. 6 yrs without contact and I was so dearly blessed by being able to adopt them only 3 months after we married. I still hurt because of infertility in my heart. My husband is very supportive and compassionate with me in this area. He sees the hurt every time one of my sisters or close friends becomes pregnant. He saw it when my daughter in law was pregnant.
I was blessed with 2 children in my first marriage that I didn\'t give birth to also. My first husband was a bit older than I and had 2 children. I was 20 and his children were 10 and 8. When I left him and got an annulment because he had married to another woman after we were married because she became pregnant before we got married. Anyway, his children were very upset, they didn\'t like the other woman and their mother didn\'t like her either. Their mother actually invited me to live with them when I left the bastard! lol Anyway, over the next 7 years, she and I became best friends and the children in a sense had 2 moms. In October of 2007, she passed away after suffering for the previous 5 year battle against brain cancer. She had asked me to continue to be their mom and to be there for them for all of their happy moments just like she would be. To be there when they needed help. To take her place. These 2 \"kids\" are both married and have 2 children of their own. I am a grandma to 4 and still have kids in grade school. lol
The lord blesses us with the deepest desires of our hearts if we follow him and serve others. I have made this my mission in this life, to serve all those that I can. I do get down some days and I let the opinions and judgments of others to affect me. Today, I my doctor authorized my handicapped placard. My diagnosis today pushed her in that direction and she felt that it was necessary. I was a little down and then I was a little indifferent and then I was crying and then I was happy. I\'m just a ball full of emotion today.