More inner thoughts
It is now 7:02am where I am.I am still unable to rest and I can find no joy in the prospect of the day ahead.I am calm though,perhaps too calm.I am aware of every twinge of pain,which this morning are numerous,a reality among my imaginings.My beautiful wife slumbers on while I sit and contemplate my own demise.My deterioration in mental and physical wellbeing no longer concerns me as once it did.I am resigned to what is and what will be for as long as I permit it.Perhaps my present calmness is a result of my capacity to think clearly on how I might end my pain,at this moment in time,I find that prospect most desirable and welcome it with open arms.I realise now,here,I am no longer impotent in this matter;I have the power within me to choose;and that,at least,is most comforting.Let's see how this day unfolds.I now fully understand that at last,I am the master of my own fate;my destiny is in my own hands and I will choose,me,nobody else;for my pain,my anguish,is mine and mine alone.
Replies
Sillouette, your post just breaks my heart. Please don\'t linger on the thought of suicide. I know from bitter previous experience that whatever you dwell on will get bigger and eventually overtake you. It sounds like you have a lovely wife, who needs you desperately and who would be devastated to lose you, especially around Thanksgiving or Christmas. One of my best friends committed suicide, and her family and I were devastated. I will always wonder if there was something I could have said or done that would have kept her with us. I can tell you for a fact that it\'s extremely hard on family and friends, who carry that burden with them the rest of their lives. Please don\'t think about this anymore right now. Just pick up the phone and call a crisis line, a pastor, or a friend. If you have insurance, call your insurance company and tell them it\'s an emergency and you need to speak with someone who can get you some help. Please don\'t try to struggle through this on your own. There are many people who would be willing to help. Please just reach out! I\'m sending you my hugs and prayers today!
I know how old these are but this is what I Luv to do to help anyone even if its just to put a smile on this is all worth it to me as I didn\'t have much support when I first found out I had cancer.
Say it again I\'m so very happy that you keep fighting on I know your wife & fur-babies would miss you so much & I would too - It is the hardest on the ones left behind to wonder why - I\'ve had 2 family members & a awesome friend commit suicide & I keep wondering why I just know for whatever reason they r no longer suffering & I will see them again someday - I\'m am thrilled that your still here & I can support you as this is what I Luv to do when my health will allow me too your time wasn\'t meant to be yet ...GOD BLESS YOU.