More hurt, or real bridge? Time will tell.

When I needed a break, space, I told the truth, I told him what I knew and kept him updated. Apparently I don't even rank that without pulling it out of him. 
The online access, yeah, still? you just want it back for nothing? Why do you deserve that? Give me my online access back. 
That stupid song, are you talking about your ego or mine? Is it a dig or are you actually having self discovery. 
What would I need to move forward? Clearly define boundaries of a healthy relationship. Access would have be restored, with some give from me. You have to tell her we're engaged. There must be a way to know she's gone, you've let her go, that you mourn the loss of what wasn't and will never want to return. I would have to feel welcomed, I would have to see you emotionally present, paving the way for me in your life, never feel like I'm struggling, fighting to get in. I need to see a plan to demolish the secrecy and hiding on your part. Then I need to see it followed through. 
You  need to denounce what you did. You have to say it was all wrong, the hiding, the leading on. You need to show remorse. You need to own rebuilding us.. and not from sex. You have to acknowledge what I've said about it is good. That it's true, that you've used sex to hide, to manipulate, to make yourself feel better, feel closeness because you don't feel it elsewhere. 
I need to hear that you made it about you when it wasn't always, that you've had a skewed view of me and my actions. You have to then when I'm ready listen to me and really want to know about me and show it. You have to take my anger and never raise your voice, never lift a finger or complaint or defense. If it's too much, you go, and at a later time resume with no reprisals. 
Part of that includes accepting that you hurt me, used sex to do it in the past, even if I allowed and said yes. Part of that includes acknowledging that our relationship has always been sick, that the people we were were sick and changing now means the relationship also changes, and with it sex. Leaving hurt behind, also means leaving the notions behind, leaving her behind, leaving the assumption that you know everything, that you know best, that you even know right behind. Isn't that what you are demanding of me? 
It means that if not being together until you can do these things, then you need to accept that.. and gracefully. It means being willingly at a disadvantage to me, as I am to you. It means not having an escape hatch, it means willingly leaving yourself open because you want this and you want to make it work without an ulterior motive, without something on the side you hold back away from me. Isn't that what I've done for you lately? Isn't that what you've always demanded?
You have to do things that are clearly only for me, no benefit to you and not expect something back. 
If and when counseling arises, you will have to admit to what you've done and work within that context. 
You will come to understand what CPTSD and Depression really mean and change your actions to accommodate. 
And once and if these things happen and it doesn't feel right, I need to be able to decide to stay or go. If I go, you let me do it without your usual pain.