more harm

So I harmed again at break this morning and at lunch time. My face is bruised now so might as well make it worthwhile! Break again at 3 I guess I should work through it so I don't hurt myself but I know I wont. Sat in my car crying and hitting myself at lunch. What is wrong with me I am supposed to be a 38 year old grown man looking after my family and I cant even look after myself. Not sure how I am going to explain it when I get home. My wife knows about the self harm but this doesn't make it any easier. Its embarrassing and makes me feel so weak. Just want everything to end.