More Experimentation And Relaxation

When I walked into my therapist’s office I handed her the bag of extra clothes I had brought back for her to keep for me.  She took them, said “Oh, my extra clothes,” and put them in her drawer.  Funny she said hers – they are mine but hers to keep for me.  She’s done this for me for so long I guess she feels like they are hers.    I told her she was right.  She wanted to know right about what – I guess she forgot.  About the massage therapist not asking about the bag (with my wet clothes) when I went to her on Monday.  She said, yeah she’s right, like in a way she’s not always right about things – like a pat on her back.  I never saw that side of her.  She’s human – yeah!  I told her I did what she said – I put the bag next to my purse, not my purse on top.  But I said that she’s right this time but that doesn’t mean she won’t ask about the bag another time.  She asked me if it felt good not to have to hide, like it should have.  I told her I still felt that hiding.   We talked about my concerns about going any longer than 10 minutes and I’d like to try the cranial thing (she hasn’t tried it yet) but you have to lay down.  And I’m scared to do that.  I told her I don’t know if it’s that I’m just scared I’ll go to the bathroom and that maybe it won’t happen and I’m just worrying.  She agreed maybe.  She said I won’t fall asleep.  She has never fallen asleep – she just wouldn’t do that.  And she knows I won’t do that – I won’t let myself.  I told her no – I can’t even sleep on airplanes or in cars.  I asked her if there was a way to do some kind of deep relaxation with her to test it out.  She we could – later.  Not before we go walking – something about she wants me to concentrate on the urgency and it would interfere.    I told her I wanted to tell her what I wanted to do today.  I’m not ready yet to do real exposures therapies with the scenarios.  But I will as time gets closer to the trip – the pressure of it, knowing I’ll have to.  But in a way these are kind of exposure therapies – but really they are experiments.  I want to do something similar that we did Monday but I want to take it a step further.   Even when we left she said we are doing an experiment like in a laboratory.  The relaxation we did, the imagery we did was great.  It held me down to a 5 in anxiety.  I start these at a 5 and that’s good – I can’t be a low number just doing these.  But the step further is what to do when I start to go to the bathroom a little or just when I start having to go real badly.  I told her sometimes I go a little bit and sometimes I don’t – I just go.  Each time is different and I never know what will happen ahead of time.  I was hoping (to myself) that I would go a little and then be able to stop it when we’d do this today to practice.    So I wanted to know whether it’s breathing or self talk or whatever that I need to do when this happens so that I can stay a 5 on the anxiety level and not shoot up.  I told her I’m so critical of myself and maybe just telling myself what ever happens it’s OK.  She’s told me that a few times and it’s good.  That I’m doing my best and I don’t want to have an accident but it’s OK if I do.  I’m not a bad person.  To do this so I don’t shoot up to a 10, or 20!  I told her when this happens I shoot up instantly like a rocket.   She said how many women my age (thanks! – she smiled) cough or sneeze real hard and this happens to them.  But they don’t go into a panic because they know they can stop it and nothing else will happen.  They can change clothes if they need to or whatever.  But when this happens to me I don’t know if I can stop the flow or for how long that it sends me into a panic.  Yes.  That I need to imagine my bladder expanding but still use my muscles to hold.  And that if I start going a little to be able to stay calm.  So we talked more about the massages until more time passed that we would do the relaxation/imagery thing.  I did ask her first how long she thought I waited from when I had to go until I did go on Monday.  She thought at least 15 minutes maybe even longer because she first thought I had to go during the imagery.  No, it was after that.  She still thought 15 minutes and we both thought that was great.  I personally, think it was more like 10 but if she thinks it was 15 that’s fine.  I can usually only wait 5-10 minutes.  See, what I’m doing is working – trying to drink more and holding it longer.  We looked at the clock to time it today but forgot to look when we came back.    I told her I had a funny story to tell her about Monday with the massage therapist.  I told her she had a totally different meaning than I did.  I almost started laughing and if we were in there together I don’t think we could have kept from laughing.  First of all she told me a lot of people fall asleep and that’s OK.  I told her I didn’t say but I thought to myself, No that’s not OK.  That’s something I definitely don’t want to do.  Then she said how some people experience something coming out or a release.  I’m like, no we don’t want that to happen at all!  We don’t even what to go there!  She laughed.  She said we should, the 3 of us, come together and talk about it.  I said no way!  I think she figured but she’d suggest it anyway.  She knows I also want to try the healing part with the other massage therapist. I told her the other talks how she can just go directly to the area that needs healing without knowing first.  I wonder if she’d go to mine.  Well, I’m not sure if it’s healing.  I told her again what could happen because I don’t think she understood it.  When I get very, very relaxed and go to the bathroom.  I told her last time how it’s happened with my husband when he gives me massages.  She thought I felt the urgency.  I told her there’s no urgency.  I just start going because I’m so relaxed.  There’s no warning.  It’s not like when I’m sleeping and don’t feel it.  I feel it and then I stop it and get up and go to the bathroom.  I told her later that I look at that bed she has in that room, and the blanket and think – I don’t want to wet that!  She says she has an extra robe she may bring to give to the massage therapists so I can put that on real fast to go if I needed to.  We didn’t know if they have one or not.  I did say that I was thinking about it and if I ever did do an hour I would have to tell them I’d need to go to the bathroom halfway through – I’d have to.  She agreed.  When we got back from walking I laid down on the couch.  I took off my shoes and got comfy.  At first I was laying on my back but I felt funny with her looking at me and quickly switched to my tummy and not facing her.  She said she wasn’t looking at me anyway because she was reading her book – it was what she was saying in the relaxation she was going to tell me.  We did that for 10 minutes – like I would be laying down for the cranial thing.  After, when I sat up, I was fine.  I told her I consciously made an effort to make sure I didn’t go to the bathroom – because I didn’t have anymore extra clothes!  She laughed.  But I didn’t get deep into it like I could have.  She asked me if I was able to be in a different place like she was talking about.  I could and that was good.  I told her, too that it’s different than a massage when someone’s hands are on you and are working on you.  She understood.  But I think now I’m ready to lay down and do it for 10 minutes with the massage therapist.  She said to do Kegels.  I want to work up to more time because of my girl trip and doing massages there, and I just want to.  She’s just so good and does whatever we need to do with me.  Thank you, God, for bringing her into my life to help me.  I only wish the best for her.  So in going back … before we went walking we did the relaxation with the tappers again.  She told me different things but very similar to what she told me Monday when we did this.  I smiled when she told me to love my bladder – she said knows we haven’t always had the best relationship.  She told me again about my bladder expanding out and still having the strength to hold it.  It was good.   After she asked me if I wanted to go walking.  No, I didn’t have to go to the bathroom yet.  She asked me about the urgency.  I think she thought maybe I had to go.  So I told her we should switch back to talk about the massage therapist until I need to go and then we’ll leave.  That’s what we did – a few minutes later.  Earlier she told me, when I was doing the relaxation, she didn’t know how close I was to needing to go so I think that’s why she stopped.  I think she got it mixed up that I had to go then.  So we got up to leave to walk when I first felt like I needed to go.  She said she thought I went longer than usual and that was good – I’m not sure what she meant – maybe being mixed up with this, but oh well.  We went down stairs first.  She said she wanted to check out the new tenants to see what’s going on with them.  Good idea!  We checked and the door was closed.  Yeah!  That’s my safe haven.  She said they kept the door closed upstairs.  She said it must have been moving day.    We went outside.  I said how we couldn’t go in one direction because my hairdresser and her neighbor is over there.  And, they have a new girl and she likes to take walks.  I started to say we can’t go in another direction and she interrupted me and said we’ll just circle around the parking lot like we did last time.  On the way outside she asked me what number I am.  A five and that’s good.  I’m OK.  We walked around a couple times.  Instead of her just talking like last time she asked me if I had anything special going on this weekend.  I told her about the program with my friends and maybe the mystery shop.  We saw a man that we thought was walking to the deli – didn’t know him.  Then a man pulled up and parked in that parking lot.  At first she said she didn’t know who he was but then when he got out she said it was the owner of the building.  He commented that we were walking around like a track.  She said he’s a nice guy and later said that was nice of him to say.  I really didn’t want to see anyone out there but I didn’t say.  Then we saw a girl but we were going in by then and I have no idea what happened to her.  It was a nice day (finally!) and more people were out.  She even said how it felt so good to get out and walk.  Yes.  I’d say about the third time around, just after we saw the man and he had walked inside the building, I told her it’s getting harder.  She said we can go back.  I told her no, not yet.  I wanted to stick with it.  Within maybe 10 seconds I started going to the bathroom and told her, kind of squatting a little walking, “I just peed a little.”  She again suggested to go back.  I told her no, here’s where I want to try to keep my anxiety level down.  I think I did for about 30 seconds but I think she could tell how badly I had to go.    Before I knew it we were walking towards the steps to go back inside and I was really going to the bathroom in my pants.  I have no idea what happened to come to that or what any of us said.  My mind completely blanks out – she knows how I hate that.  I told her last time I remember telling her it’s getting harder and I don’t remember anything until we got back up to her office.  It’s bad because I need to remember what she says for future.  She knows I do that under stress and people do that under stress.  So she told me what she said to me today after we got back upstairs.  She told me she told me to do my Kegels and that I can do it.  In looking back now, I think I said, “This is too hard.  Oh, Her Name.”  In looking back also, I think she also said we want this to be a success.  Then we were walking in and going down the stairs inside.  That’s about the time I said to her, “Don’t look!  Don’t look!”  She said I leaned over and put my hands on my thighs.  She said that’s when she knew I was in trouble.  Maybe she knew outside, too because why would we be walking back if I didn’t look like I was going or about to.  I think when it got really bad I started walking differently – kind of hard to walk when you have to go that badly and when you are actually peeing.  I also remember her being several steps ahead of me so I must have been hesitating when I was walking. She definitely walked into the building before I did but I guess she waited for me and held the door open.  I wasn’t that far behind – just a little.  So we went down the hallway to the bathroom and I think I told her again not to look.  I went in and she told me she’ll wait for me.  Well, I would hope she’d go back upstairs and get my clothes.  I didn’t want to leave the bathroom to check so I just waited, sitting on the toilet.  In a few minutes she came back in with my bag of clothes (she sounded a little out of breath) and left them for me on the floor of the stall saying she’ll wait for me and went back out.    I changed clothes and came out.  She was all the way down the hall at the end waiting.  I often wonder why she’s all the way down there all the time.  I walked down the hall towards her and she raised her arms like in a ‘yeah’.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe because I was brave enough to do this.  That I tried.  I just shook my head.  I told her I’m glad no one was there and the door was closed of those new tennants.  She thought I would have been OK if it was open.  I don’t think so.  I also told her it wasn’t the greatest when that man was outside either.    As soon as we got back into her office she asked me what emotion I was feeling.  I said anger.  She didn’t even sit down and she told me she wanted me to act it out.  That she’ll act it out with me.  So she followed me with stomping, jumping up and down and punching a pillow.  She threw the pillow down when we were done and so did I.  That felt really good for both of us – she even said so later.  That was cool to do.  I told her I think it worked, I’m not sure.  That I was able to stay calm for about 30 seconds until I really started going to the bathroom.  And, it was really bad.  She said she didn’t look, she didn’t see anything.  She asked me if that’s when the panic sets in.  Yes.  She told me that that would happen to anyone.  It would even happen to her if she was in that situation but went on to say she hasn’t been.  She said we just stayed out there a little too long.  I said I wish it was longer.  Yeah.  I told her how maybe she should have looked – but no! – because others would have.  She said they wouldn’t have to know if I had extra clothes with me and I’d just go into the bathroom and change.  I said yes but it wouldn’t work if we were walking somewhere or waiting somewhere.  Yeah.  We talked about me not being able to remember and then worked into the relaxation for the massages.   She told me that it is embarrassing just like that TV reporter on the videos we are watching (throwing up).  That she was embarrassed, too.  And she went on to say that a client she used to have, only about 30 years old, said she couldn’t wait seconds and she’d start going if she didn’t take her medicine.  She told me she was reading some Town & Country (?) magazine at the doctor’s office and saw a funny ad for a medicine.  It was a balloon shaped figure – but with a full bladder – with sunglasses on and just relaxing.  Like I’d like to be – needing to go but being able to relax and just wait.  She said maybe that medicine – I think it’s Enablex – might help me.  She knows I doubt it.  It’s like with that girl, I wish medicine would help me.    I told her again how I’m going more in amount and that means I’m holding more.  She said that’s great.  She told me again about keep drinking lots of water when I can.  She knows I’ve been doing that.  I told her that maybe that’s a good thing when I have to go to the bathroom and go a little and be able to stop it.  That my muscles are getting better/stronger.  She agreed and said also when I stop my flow when I go.  I told her sometimes I can do that and sometimes I can’t.    So … for the day, for the week … I am very greatfull to her that we are able to do these experiments.  That she does them with me.  I could never do them with anyone else but her.  I don’t even want others to know about my problem.  But, if they are with me for any length of time it’s pretty obvious.    I guess I’m so used to so much resistance in my life with my family that when someone doesn’t resist my suggestions I’m taken by surprise.  It makes me feel good about myself, like I am a worthy person.  And, she never makes me feel bad about the way I think, what I want to do or never, for having an accident.  She is truly an angel.  Now I need to somehow move forward and get out of the rut I’m in alone by myself at home.  I need to get a part-time job – I know I do.