more epiphanies.
I have spent a lot of time over on the CA board trying to get a better grasp of the CS mindset. I still do blame myself sometimes for her actions and that board helps me see that is was not my fault. I do not recommend BS to go there until they know that they are strong and can handle it. It can be quite harsh and brutally honest.
My latest epiphanies.....there really are 2 types of cheaters (with small variations) let's call them "good or bad" in relationship to whether the marriage can or cannot survive. (This is from my experience only so take it with a grain of salt)
- the accidental cheater who makes really bad choices and get caught up in the fog and the cheater that goes in with eyes wide open wanting to cheat (bad). She was in a fog on the last A but made conscious descions in prior betrayals. 50/50 split?
- the CS who confesses so the BS can make a choice on how to move forward and start their healing process or the "hider" who will never tell and let their BS live the rest of their life as a lie (bad). She was a hider. Bad
- the CS that answers all questions so the BS can understand and heal. The CS that denies everything and gets upset at any questions asked (bad). She actually makes it very uncomfortable for me to ask any questions and always says she doesn't remember. Bad
- the CS who always asks how they can help the BS heal. Offers transparency gives information freely and seems remorseful for the pain they have caused. Or the CS who offers nothing and only wants it to go away. They will actually say "why are you bringing this up again?" (Bad). Yes she is Bad on this one too.
So as far as I can see, we were doomed from DDay. I was never going to be able to survive this.
My latest epiphanies.....there really are 2 types of cheaters (with small variations) let's call them "good or bad" in relationship to whether the marriage can or cannot survive. (This is from my experience only so take it with a grain of salt)
- the accidental cheater who makes really bad choices and get caught up in the fog and the cheater that goes in with eyes wide open wanting to cheat (bad). She was in a fog on the last A but made conscious descions in prior betrayals. 50/50 split?
- the CS who confesses so the BS can make a choice on how to move forward and start their healing process or the "hider" who will never tell and let their BS live the rest of their life as a lie (bad). She was a hider. Bad
- the CS that answers all questions so the BS can understand and heal. The CS that denies everything and gets upset at any questions asked (bad). She actually makes it very uncomfortable for me to ask any questions and always says she doesn't remember. Bad
- the CS who always asks how they can help the BS heal. Offers transparency gives information freely and seems remorseful for the pain they have caused. Or the CS who offers nothing and only wants it to go away. They will actually say "why are you bringing this up again?" (Bad). Yes she is Bad on this one too.
So as far as I can see, we were doomed from DDay. I was never going to be able to survive this.
Replies
Thank you for your insightfulness.
Life would be easier if they never started affairs!! But that is what I believe is a naive view.. And then once caught out if only they we\'re open and honest about everything but even if my H did come forward with all details, I really question if he could ever gain my trust again.
My CS is a bad cheater!!
Stay with your decision, and thank you for sharing your journey.
Take care
I agree with everything except one. I think it causes unnecessary hurt for the CS to confess to the BS IF the BS doesn\'t know. What happens is the CS feels better for off loading and now the burden is on the BS to deal with it. If the CS by themselves comes to be remorseful and stops the cheating, it is better for them to live with the guilt and vow to themselves to be a better partner and make up in their own way.