more crap
Ok, I spent all day yesterday draggin ass. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Was a good day for it in that all the kids were gone. Very little housework got done though, and even as I sit here there are dishes and laundry screaming my name.............I'm blocking it out. lol.
So H and I were home alone all day. Wish it had been a more pleasant day, but we did talk some,and after decoding the he-speak she-speak, I think we are both understanding where the other is in their heads right now. I think> sigh...
H says I over think, over analyze things.. This is not something new, he has always said that, but even more so now. And I admit sometimes this may be true. We have very dif styles in ways of dealing with things sometimes. H says ' you flood yourself with information, look up everything you can, read, read, read, and disect and try to understand every detail, and ok I get it, thats how you deal. But it seems to me in figuring out the details you are ignoring the big picture ( now as he said that I was mentally thinking,, " oh big elephant,, we've chatted about that ') he says,, 'the big picture is that I did this to you, it's never going to go away, and can you live with it?"
Big Elephant.
I say Yes I have to deal with this, in the dealing, here is what I'm going through mentally: First, I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to 'deal' with this quickly and efficiently. Whether real or imagined, idk. I do know H has always been impatient, but has surprised me with his patience so far, so I feel pressure to ' hurry it along" . Like I said whether thats internal or not idk,, but what I do know is every time you say something like ' things will never change' or 'this can never be fixed' that I see a big flavor flav clock,lol, with the minute hands just spinning, and I get anxious thinking, ok I gotta move this along, I've only got so much time before he thinks I'm never going to deal and he's going to walk away.
Second, I am terrified. While 99.9% of my brain does not think it logically,,, for the last month this tiny little voice in my head won't shut up,,,its mostly been just a low hum,,until now. This voice kept whispering before Christmas,,and now that Chistmas has passed, it is full on yelling "what if he's just playing along, making nice to get thru Christmas for the kids, and because he lovesss Christmas, is like one of the kids then. What if after Christmas he's going to say, 'I don't want to be here' and walk away? What if I've been a fool? What if he can't deal with all the deep emotinal baggage that got us here, and not just mine, but his? what if what if what if"
oh and tow sent a text to my phone all it said was Merry christmas, I didn't even see it , h did and brought it to me and showed me, I started to get upset, but then thought, hell it probably went out to all her contacts, it was generic, not personal, and I am not going to let this ruin my Christmas,(it was like 930 am). Well, now that voice is harping on that mssg. What if he does have plans after Christmas?? Logically I don't believe he wants her, or has had any contact, but that voice ....what if what if what if?? SHUT UP!!!
H says sometimes you have to recognize when something can't be fixed. This can't be fixed, I can't fix this, you need to see that big picture. You have to start over.
Kick in the gut. What I've feared, he's leaving without giving us a chance to fix us. I say I want to fix us, I dont want to start over w someone new. H says, Not start over w someone new, start over w you....
aha, here we go again, he speak , she speak. So starts the long discussion of definitions and personal meanings of such words as FIX ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
H says its like at work,, one of the guys will have a mold they cant get right and want me to help fix it, I look at it and think oh hell no Im not spending days working backwards to figure out what is wrong,,, I rip it apart and start over from the ground up. I pick up the main peices that I know I am going to need first and slowly start rebuilding from there. I dont need to know why it didnt work before,, I just know that its right now because I rebuilt it. Something that is just 'fixed' is always weak and at risk of breaking again.
H says "you on other hand gather information from all over , throw everything you knew, learned and felt into one big messy pile, then start digging through it trying to figure everything out. I can't work like that, I need to go one peice at a time. When I say start over this cant be fixed, I mean I want to be with you, but something new,, strip everything down to the foundation and start over. Be us again."
Well great, we do want the same thing, just were saying it differently and i wasnt understanding his man-speak, lol.
But,,,," well that's great I say, because I thought I knew who us was. who you were, and now you are not that person and I have to incorporate what you did with who I thought you were" H sighs,,,,,,,"yes, thats what I've been saying, you have decide if you can live with it.. I know what I did,I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, I hate it, I don't like who it makes me now in my own head, and I have to deal with that too,, but mostly this is up to you and whether you can deal with it. The ball is in your court, I am not going anywhere"
Ok,, but what if........oh shut the hell up!!!
I cried yesterday, I napped twice. Oh yeh and I'm now like 16 or 17 days late, so hormonal as hell,, Would someone just shoot me?
So H and I were home alone all day. Wish it had been a more pleasant day, but we did talk some,and after decoding the he-speak she-speak, I think we are both understanding where the other is in their heads right now. I think> sigh...
H says I over think, over analyze things.. This is not something new, he has always said that, but even more so now. And I admit sometimes this may be true. We have very dif styles in ways of dealing with things sometimes. H says ' you flood yourself with information, look up everything you can, read, read, read, and disect and try to understand every detail, and ok I get it, thats how you deal. But it seems to me in figuring out the details you are ignoring the big picture ( now as he said that I was mentally thinking,, " oh big elephant,, we've chatted about that ') he says,, 'the big picture is that I did this to you, it's never going to go away, and can you live with it?"
Big Elephant.
I say Yes I have to deal with this, in the dealing, here is what I'm going through mentally: First, I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to 'deal' with this quickly and efficiently. Whether real or imagined, idk. I do know H has always been impatient, but has surprised me with his patience so far, so I feel pressure to ' hurry it along" . Like I said whether thats internal or not idk,, but what I do know is every time you say something like ' things will never change' or 'this can never be fixed' that I see a big flavor flav clock,lol, with the minute hands just spinning, and I get anxious thinking, ok I gotta move this along, I've only got so much time before he thinks I'm never going to deal and he's going to walk away.
Second, I am terrified. While 99.9% of my brain does not think it logically,,, for the last month this tiny little voice in my head won't shut up,,,its mostly been just a low hum,,until now. This voice kept whispering before Christmas,,and now that Chistmas has passed, it is full on yelling "what if he's just playing along, making nice to get thru Christmas for the kids, and because he lovesss Christmas, is like one of the kids then. What if after Christmas he's going to say, 'I don't want to be here' and walk away? What if I've been a fool? What if he can't deal with all the deep emotinal baggage that got us here, and not just mine, but his? what if what if what if"
oh and tow sent a text to my phone all it said was Merry christmas, I didn't even see it , h did and brought it to me and showed me, I started to get upset, but then thought, hell it probably went out to all her contacts, it was generic, not personal, and I am not going to let this ruin my Christmas,(it was like 930 am). Well, now that voice is harping on that mssg. What if he does have plans after Christmas?? Logically I don't believe he wants her, or has had any contact, but that voice ....what if what if what if?? SHUT UP!!!
H says sometimes you have to recognize when something can't be fixed. This can't be fixed, I can't fix this, you need to see that big picture. You have to start over.
Kick in the gut. What I've feared, he's leaving without giving us a chance to fix us. I say I want to fix us, I dont want to start over w someone new. H says, Not start over w someone new, start over w you....
aha, here we go again, he speak , she speak. So starts the long discussion of definitions and personal meanings of such words as FIX ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
H says its like at work,, one of the guys will have a mold they cant get right and want me to help fix it, I look at it and think oh hell no Im not spending days working backwards to figure out what is wrong,,, I rip it apart and start over from the ground up. I pick up the main peices that I know I am going to need first and slowly start rebuilding from there. I dont need to know why it didnt work before,, I just know that its right now because I rebuilt it. Something that is just 'fixed' is always weak and at risk of breaking again.
H says "you on other hand gather information from all over , throw everything you knew, learned and felt into one big messy pile, then start digging through it trying to figure everything out. I can't work like that, I need to go one peice at a time. When I say start over this cant be fixed, I mean I want to be with you, but something new,, strip everything down to the foundation and start over. Be us again."
Well great, we do want the same thing, just were saying it differently and i wasnt understanding his man-speak, lol.
But,,,," well that's great I say, because I thought I knew who us was. who you were, and now you are not that person and I have to incorporate what you did with who I thought you were" H sighs,,,,,,,"yes, thats what I've been saying, you have decide if you can live with it.. I know what I did,I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, I hate it, I don't like who it makes me now in my own head, and I have to deal with that too,, but mostly this is up to you and whether you can deal with it. The ball is in your court, I am not going anywhere"
Ok,, but what if........oh shut the hell up!!!
I cried yesterday, I napped twice. Oh yeh and I'm now like 16 or 17 days late, so hormonal as hell,, Would someone just shoot me?
Replies
talking is good....keep up the line of communication....time, time and more time...sending support and hugs!
Well, I know you feel like a basket case, but you are absolutely behaving normally. Everything you are doing, the analyzing, the picking apart of details, the stewing, the mulling over, the emotional roller coaster, I and many others here have done (and are still doing) the same. It\'s not the difference between you and your H; it\'s the difference between the CS and the BS.
The CS want to just forget it ever happened, put it behind them, never think about it again and move forward. In their minds, they did what they did, they can\'t go back and change it. All they can do is be a better person and spouse now and move forward and they want us to to move forward with them. The problem is that we BS CANNOT move forward until we completely process what happened. We need to strip it all down and understand everything. We need to reconcile who we thought our H\'s were with who they became and who they want to be again. We need to grieve the loss of what we thought we had while rebuilding something new. We need to let go of past memories for the sake of creating new ones with a CS we are trying to understand again.
Basically, the CS needss to just accept that the BS has no set time table. The CS has to accept that the BS needs to deal with this however he/she needs to and the process cannot be rushed. You cannot put that much pressure on yourself. You are still very newly into this. After E\'s last jackass episode when he made the stupid comment, \"You need to deal with the present\" I \"gently\" reminded him that I will take as much time as I need to process what he did and if he can\'t handle being a part of the process, he knows where the door is. The trick is to be confident enough to take that stand. When the CS sees that you can live without him if need be, you\'ll be amazed at the patience they can find within themselves. By the way, E\'s response after he digested what I said was, \"I love you. Take as much time as you need.\" Hang tough my friend!
I\'m not going to read the responses because I do not want them to color mine.
Your H is an impatient man you say and this is pressuring you to \"get on with it\". You know what, this is one of those things you cannot compromise on. He needs to give you the patience you need to heal on the time frame you will heal on. There is no other option on this part.
You and your H sound very much like my H and me. I am a scientist. I need DATA. Every little piece of it I can get. I read and investigate and get facts before even consider inching forward. Big picture thinking is great but tackling the big picture as a whole never works. It must be divided into sizable chunks or tasks that are manageable. If not then a lot of running around like a chicken with it\'s head cut off occurs and nothing of substance gets done.
Men are \"fixers\". Problem is, you cannot FIX this.
The marriage you had prior to the A is no more. It\'s called rebuilding because you might still have the initial foundation bricks and some of the original frame but the rest of the dwelling is starting from scratch. So tell you H to grab a hammer and some nails and roll up his sleeves. And remember, houses built in a matter of days are rarely structurally sound.
The communication you\'ve shared both shared is definitely a HUGE step in rebuiliding. Great job on both your parts and seeing that in the end, your goals are the same. As far as that clock ticking - take the batteries out. There is no time line when infidelity occurs in a marriage and when it should no longer be something that is constantly on your mind. I\'ve read the it takes 2-5 years for this to take a back seat. And if it takes more, so be it. It\'s only been the past month or two that I can actually talk about TOW without feeling my heart being ripped out of my chest. Hang in the KG!
I say \"everything Z said\".
But I can\'t stop there. I really do mean this as supportive, because my end sentence is that you need time and to go through your own processes to deal with this situation.
See, I love analogies. And here is the problem. His analogy is only partial. Yes I understand the whole \"throw the mold away and start over\" thing, but there is more than that. Because you really are trying to gather the data and decide if he can be trusted going forward.
So here is my analogy of what you are facing in your husbands example:
\"The mold is not right. So you throw it away and build another. But that one is bad to. Why? Because the material that the mold is being made from has a contaminant that will cause every single mold to be bad.\"
At the point you are at, you are going \"is the material I am working with contaminated to the point that every mold I make from it is bad?\"
You need time, and need to go through all your own processes, to determine this.
Very interesting, what I\'mDealing said! All of the responses are actually very good! Not sure if you are aware, but did you know that you have 2 of my favorite gals here, checking in on you, with the 3rd being LStecker! You must be very cool, cuz they are very cool! lol
But I totally get the analytical thing! Not to worry,I too, have been accused of being over-analytical, so be it, it is our composition, and helps us to process. Notice anal is in that word? Buhhahahhah
Well,if it weren\'t that important to us, we\'d dismiss it quickly, or not be so anal about it! But that helps us to process. But just let dear hubby know: he\'s typical in that most men want to hurry up and get over with this crap.
Hell, we do too! But fo rthe betrayed, tell him the facts, that it has been mentioned 3-5 years, for some. Now im past the 2 yr. mark, in 5 more months, it\'ll be 3 years! But it\'s been pretty cool, pretty calm, we did the therapy, we did like you, talk, discuss, say stuff, vacillate back and forth, rollercoaster, merry-go-round, but now I\'m off of that too.
Just remind him, that this is factual information, from people you talk with daily, from posts, from journals, and it is what it is, just as what he did is what h e did! But you, my friend have done a lot more than most of us gals, and I\'m older, too!
Pace yourself, it ain\'t a sprint, it\'s a marathon. Take all the time in the world you need, and if your analytical self could remove itself from yourheart, your worry, your fear, you wouldn\'t feel as pressured to make him happy, or appease him, and rush to world of \"normalcy\".
Don\'t forget, you are dealing with the aftershock, it\'s still early in the game. Good news is: you are still there, and I do feel fairly confident that he ain\'t going nowhere!!! Why? His patience has grown, his anger, and voice seem more under control, and just remind him, if/when it gets too loud (my H did this too), that you are not deliberately trying tohave a fight, y ou are simply trying to process this hugely complex situation with the many \"IF\'s\" he created, or what if\'s.
Yah,girl, that doubt does creep in! But with the therapy, you will be able to address:
how he did not turn out to be the man you thought
how it changes things forever, and the trust factor takes years to grow back up, just like a savings account
how it\'s really really tough to be vulnerable
And how you forgive, but anger can get in there, doubt, confusion, and of course analysis will, and he better get used to it.
Remind him that if we tend to be a bit compulsive (like overly analytical), that I, of the ripe age of 56 have assured you, that this compulsion will come out, for a while, but alas, the good news is:
it does swing like the pendulum, and will balance out in time.
Tell him, I said, keep doing all the good stuff he is doing, and to remember he brought this scenario on. Yes you admit to the depression, but you will address your stuff, and he needs to address his stuff. And eventually you guys will meet in the middle, and it will get better.
I really, strongly feel, that you are on the right path! Just remember, don\'t pressure yourself to rush anything, cuz you really can\'t! It\'s kind of in nature\'s hands. You have to naturally endure a lot of emotions, ups and downs, moods, feelings, discussions, counseling, the whole damned kit and kaboodle. But the main thing is the desire on both of your parts, to continue to try your best, when you can, and as often as you can! NOthing is perfect, and neither is the recovery process! Love ya girl, and I\'ll be your adopted Mama, if ya want! lol
Dang-nabbit, I hate wanting to type out longer responses when I know it\'s not very practical on my phone. :/
All I have to say is yes to all of the above... and oftentimes the wisdom of these DS buddies is the only thing that\'s carrying me through the day when the doubts creep in. In some ways, I trust their words more than I trust my h\'s. Isn\'t that a funny thing? I\'m hating this pain, but at least I know I\'m not a basket case and I can take my time sorting all the materials out. Maybe I\'ll see I have enough to make a new mold. Maybe not. I\'m not in a hurry, but it sure would be nice to recover faster, eh?
Hugs to you!