More Cobwebs
One thing I have always prided myself in is the fact that my daughter and son have been extremely close. My son shared with me yesterday he was NOT feeling a connection with his sister any more and I get that as things have changed. But immediately I went to anger at my daughter and husband, shame for not being a better parent, self-hatred, etc. I f....d up again. All this lies very, very, deep inside me.
So, today I am giving myself permission to feel self-hatred, hatred, shame, anger, etc. I know all of these things are based on past memories and learned behavior and are really not the truth of who I AM! Underneath all of these feelings, lies the Truth of who I AM! By allowing myself these feelings, I feel I am not punishing myself for having them...I recognize them and for help from the Love that resides within me; a LOVE that has never judged me. I ask that a opening be created to this Love. No punishment for myself today; just allowance and asking for help!
I think it's a good thing going on as feelings continue to come up that need to be embraced and not criticized!
GRATEFUL FOR BEING SHOWN WHAT COBWEBS STILL RESIDE IN MY BASEMENT! :-)
xo
Vicki
So, today I am giving myself permission to feel self-hatred, hatred, shame, anger, etc. I know all of these things are based on past memories and learned behavior and are really not the truth of who I AM! Underneath all of these feelings, lies the Truth of who I AM! By allowing myself these feelings, I feel I am not punishing myself for having them...I recognize them and for help from the Love that resides within me; a LOVE that has never judged me. I ask that a opening be created to this Love. No punishment for myself today; just allowance and asking for help!
I think it's a good thing going on as feelings continue to come up that need to be embraced and not criticized!
GRATEFUL FOR BEING SHOWN WHAT COBWEBS STILL RESIDE IN MY BASEMENT! :-)
xo
Vicki
Replies
This sentence (part), \"By allowing myself these feelings, I feel I am not punishing myself for having them..\", is it! One of the Scary Cobwebs. Exactly! Feeling I\'ll be punished for telling the truth about how I feel!!! Like, \"How DARE I feel bad (angry, withdrawn, negative) if it doesn\'t suit my parents. I can remember one incident in particular. I was always the compliant one. Never any trouble. I felt badly when my brother got the neighbor\'s daughter pregnant, how humiliating!!! And then when my girlfriend (future first wife) missed her period after the first time we had sex, I was scared shitless!!! Do you know, after being married 9.5 years, we never had children? Fear of disappointing my parents, even discussing it, was \"verboten\", for fear of disappointing them.
YOU, on the other hand, Vicki, got your parent\'s rath whether you did anything wrong or not! You were the \"Scapegoat\" for ALL their problems; and you couldn\'t say a peep without being being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused!
So I too felt the need to \"punish myself\", just for the feelings, or thoughts, I had; that I felt constrained to express.
So, expressing ourselves is blocked by fear of punishing ourselves, our last bastion of safety and care.
Thanks for you post. XOXOXO
I think its natural as a mother trying her best, to feel upset when things are not at their best for your kids. This will change but your feelings are natural and I think mothers always doubt if they have done a good enough job or not. I think you are wonderful and such a role model to me. Sending
Thank-you for your support Rosie and Rich! Love you both bunches!!! It feels good to allow myself to be where I am without judgment or criticism! xx
Love what you wrote about the feelings not being who you are, but by expressing them you can dig deeper and discover the truth of who you are. I\'ve had this happen to me too this week! Power to your elbow dear sister! X
You have so much courage....looking at the basement stuff and just allowing these feelings/messages to come up and being able to sit with them w/o judging for reacting. I\'m getting better at it.
love & hugs