More bad news,and another night of pain

Good morning journal,the time is 9:09am,I have been awake since 7:00am,and I am only now coming to my chair.Yesterday,I had a telephone call from my son Robert,he told me very gently that my first wife,and the mother of my second and third children,had been found dead in her bed when one of her other children had taken her a morning cup of tea;she would have been forty eight in August.We had a turbulent marriage which didn't last very long,but she gave me two beautiful children,unfortunately she suffered deep,and long lasting,post natal depression,so for the first six months of their lives,I did everything for my babies.Our marriage ended when she met someone else and had an affair,I bore her no ill will then,and I bear her none now,but I am desperately sad to hear of her passing.She was ten years younger than myself,we married when I was thirty and she was eighteen,and three months pregnant with our first child.Over the years,I had heard of her addiction to drugs,which started when we were married,I only found out towards the end of our marriage when someone told me;I was devastated,my particular demon was booze,and I just didn't notice any tell tale signs that she was dabbling in recreational drugs.The man she left me for was also a user,though I didn't know that at the time.Because of the nature of her death,there is to be an autopsy this morning to try and find a cause,only then will the funeral arrangements be made.It is hard to remain positive and upbeat,when most of the news you hear is bad news,and this morning,I am low in spirit,and shaken by the news,we had been divorced for many years,but I grieve for my children who have lost their mother in such tragic and unexplained circumstances.We had our problems,but I pray that your soul is at last in a better place,without pain,without worry,rest in peace Caroline.Last night,my sleep was disturbed frequently by spasmodic bursts of pain and fits of coughing.As a result,I am tired this morning,and my thoughts are jumbled in a heap in my mind,I can make no sense of them at this time,so I have decided to leave them alone for now.I am tired of a world that throws one stun grenade after another at me,and I am weary of trying to move forward while the wall in front of me just keeps getting higher and higher.I am not prone to self pity as a rule,but this morning,I am up to my neck in it,I know that's not a good thing,but I am finding it very hard to lift myself from this seemingly bottomless pit I find myself in.One piece of good news,just one,would possibly change things,but the only news we seem to get is bad news.I'm getting very tired of trying to smile,tired of saying something will turn up,tired of trying to maintain hope;and tired of saying I'm okay when people ask.I get so tired of being strong for everybody else,and I grow weary of the world I am forced to continue living in,something has to change soon,or there is no point to it all anymore.Enough of my wallowing journal,time for me to be away from this place,till next time,peace in my soul,just for a little while,would be very much appreciated.