More About My Grandma And I Had Another Accident
She called me in and said welcome. I asked her how she was and she said, “Oh, just hangin’ in there with this cold I have.” She said she was just thinking that I never get sick. “Oh, I get sick,” I told her. “I had a cold a few weeks ago.” She commented that it never seems to stop me. I just keep on going anyway and that’s good. I told her it wasn’t a bad one. I asked her if she was sick when she was away seeing her brother. She said she was. Oh, too bad.
The first thing I told her was we aren’t going to do any throw up exposures today although the weather is nice and it would be a good day to do it. She said, “It’s best.” I think because she’s not feeling good. I didn’t go into it but kind of responded with a look like I wouldn’t want to make her feel worse. I also wouldn’t want to make her really throw up. That would be a real exposure that I wouldn’t want and I’m sure she wouldn’t either. I did tell her next week maybe we will.
The next thing I asked her is what her husband said about my husband giving him as a referral. She said he got a job! Yeah! He starts on Monday. That’s fantastic. b is for boy j is for joke c is for can I told her my husband was a consultant there. Hopefully he’s not a consultant. No, and she’s knows what we went through with that. I told her I remembered the date opposite of 9-11 which was 11-9. I remembered at the end of our session, on a Monday, I was writing a check out and her cell phone rang and she answered it. I quickly wanted to write it and be out of there because it was her private conversation. I told her she acted real empathetic and told the person she could be home at 3:00. She said that was it. That’s when he first told her. I didn’t say but I am so very glad he got a job and hopefully they won’t even think about moving any time soon. Or, best forever. It’s like a load off my shoulders and I’m sure theirs, too.
I told her I had the letter I wrote to my Grandma and some old tapes. She was glad. I said I had to tell her something funny about the letter. I was typing at my computer in my bedroom, and how I talked about my privacy going, all of a sudden my son was there behind me at the door. I was crying – not really bawling – but crying. I turned around and right away told him I was OK and explained to him what I was doing. I still had my Grandma’s stuff and pictures and shared them with him. She said that was very nice and it was meant to be. Yes.
Now the tapes. First it was cold in there. She said it was and the guy therapist turned on the air conditioning. She went out and came back she turned it down. It’s still blowing but it won’t be cold. She said she could turn the heat on (she has a little portable heater) and that would help. She did. The thing back then was a tape recorder. We used to tape songs off the radio, my friend and I would be goofy speaking into it and we’d tape people for messages and such. I was at my Grandma & Uncle’s with my friend. I had the tape recorder and it must been on because I heard my Uncle go over to it and said maybe it was – maybe turned it on. But the conversations were there. And a neighbor with a screechy voice (I warned her about the voice) comes in, too. The other tape is when I went out west and it was relatives saying messages to my Grandma and Uncle. I said how my family liked to have a lot of fun and talk dirty, too. The first one is about 10-15 minutes and the second one about 5 minutes.
I played the first one first. When she heard the voices and accents (she thought my Uncle had an accent, too but he didn’t) she said they were so funny. She felt like she was listening to a radio show. I said how my Uncle would say things that weren’t the way they were. He was something - a story in itself. We picked up on some little phrases and names and dirty talking a little. We were talking about buses to school and she thought that was a strange conversation to be talking about. I’m not sure why. On the tape I said I wanted to be a child psychologist. We weren’t surprised. She did say I have a lot of people in my family very smart with intelligent jobs (one on the tape we talked about was a professor).
After the first tape she asked me how I felt hearing it. Nice to hear their voices. But hard (like it was really, really hard for me last night) because I’m not there anymore. It was nice and I don’t have that now. Before the second tape I showed her the family picture out there and commented again how there was never more than 5 kids together at any one time. She stood up and came closer to me to look but didn’t sit down. I said who everyone was again. Then I played the tape. At the very end my Aunt has a very nice message about me and my parents sharing me with them for a little while. She thought that was very nice – really the whole tapes, both tapes. I almost start crying (maybe a little).
She said to incorporate all that now within me and especially about my Grandma. I said yes and I said that in the letter I wrote to her. She said that her Mom’s family and her Dad’s family were so different. I think like mine. Her Mom’s was Irish and they liked to have a lot of fun. Her Dad went to boarding school and things were more structured (not sure if that’s the word but close). She also shared that her Grandma, on her Mom’s side, had a cookie jar filled with brownies. Now she has the cookie jar and when family comes over she makes sure she fills it with brownies. That’s very nice. This is the same side of the family (her Mom’s) that the 2 cousins just came to see her brother with her and her sister.
I said how the cemetery where my parents are her husband’s aunt and uncle are there just 2 rows away – just when you look up. You see the name very clearly. She said she has no reason to go out there but in case she ever does. And that screechy ladies last name is right next to my Mom and Dad. How strange. I do like when she shares things with me. Other people do many of the same things I do and it shows she’s a real person, too. I also did tell her that’s why I like that lady she has on her shelf – like my Grandma.
Then I got to the letter. I said I did like she said on one of her messages to me (written or phone) before she went to see her brother, to let my words flow and that’s exactly what I did. They just flowed as I wrote but it did take me a while to get to the girls left out west. I had told her earlier that I didn’t think I could get through it without crying. I did pretty good but parts were hard. The letter is below.
I got to the part about leaving the girls out west and that was really hard. I was fighting tears. I didn’t want to cry and I was reading something very hard. I was at the part that I said it wasn’t her – probably her husband. Then I started going to the bathroom. I stopped reading and looked up. “I’m going to the bathroom,” I told her in agony and putting my hands in my crouch area. “Alright,” she said as she nodded in a very understanding way. “What do I do?” I asked still in the same position almost panicking. She said again, “It’s alright” still nodding yes understandingly and got up to get my bag magically out of her drawer and quickly handed to me as I stood up by then, too. I asked if anyone was out there. She told me no (really how did she know that – I think I was taking my chances going out there but I’m sure she didn’t want me to stand there and pee on her carpet again and neither did I) and I left holding the bag behind me covering my butt. I think it went back there from when I was sitting and I didn’t want her to see anything – much less down my legs.
I went to the bathroom and got cleaned up. Again some got on the floor and I cleaned that up. A few drops on the rug again and I just hoped that would quickly dry. I changed clothes and went back in. When I got back into her office I sighed saying, “Oh, my God.” I sat down. “Are you OK?” she asked me. She usually doesn’t ask me that. I shrugged. She told me it was all OK. Then she asked, “What do you think happened? Do you think it was your emotions or do you think you were needing to take a break then anyway?” “I don’t know,” I replied still really upset at what happened and said how I hate when that happens.
“Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this,” I told her. “Oh, yes. It’s good to work through and get things out,” she empathetically told me. I told her it’s not out. She looked surprised because I was kind of crying. I told her it’s not completely out. I’m trying not to cry. I don’t want to. She asked why not. I told her for one I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. She told me you’re body gets to a certain level that you will or will be able to tolerate it. She said maybe in private I will. She asked if I ever have about this. Not really. I’m really organized (even then) and I was looking through the tapes and I taped myself crying a while after my Grandma died. Not long – just a minute or two. I’m also afraid to do what I just did (I didn’t have to say – she knew).
Little bit of silences before and after this. I think she was just waiting to see what I was going to do (cry or not) or say. A couple times she just took a deep breath, held it a second and then blew it out like I should do the same. I laughed a little but it broke up the intensity a little. Finally I told her I was going to finish the letter. She told me I got just to the hard part when it happened. Yes. She said she just looked at the clock and was going to ask me if I wanted to take a break because it was around the time that I usually do. But she didn’t. I told her how I can wait a little even if I was just starting to have to go. She said things happen with emotions. She asked me if I just got caught up in reading it and couldn’t tell. Maybe. She also asked if it caught me by surprise. Yes. I wish I had some warning. I said how like the other physical therapist said about my neck hurting (just had my last physical therapy yesterday). Holding things in. I hold in emotions and not wanting to go to the bathroom. I said this in relating to my neck hurting but we didn’t go into it.
So I read the rest of the letter. It was hard. She said something about using my Grandma in me to incorporate it into my life now with my family. I nodded but I really didn’t know exactly what all she said because I was going into that shame mode. In a bit I told her I just feel bad. About what? About what happened and that it shouldn’t have. She asked me what we should do so that I don’t feel bad. I didn’t really say but we talked a little about it and she said she already forgot about it until I mentioned it again. No damages were done, it’s all fine. I asked her if I got any on her rug this time as I looked down. “No. It’s good. Everything is good.” She’s thinking about those voices that are so priceless. That she won’t forget. Those voices! She chuckled.
She thanked me for sharing the tapes and the letter. She said repeatedly how special it was – even several times during the time we were listening and I was reading. She wants me to incorporate my Grandma somehow in our Sunday night dinners – however I think is best. I told her I didn’t think the kids were interested. She said how to show them the fun part of our family and me, and my son’s girlfriend how good she is for our family and how so much like me she is. I said I’ll be seeing more of her, my son has already started moving things in. I told her how the only one who is like that a little is my daughter, not my sons. She likes to have fun. My therapist knows how much I do. She wants me to carrying on this part of my family with myself and my family.
My massage therapist called at the end. I answered it but she went out a second to do something with the heat/air. She asked me if I was in with her. Yes. Then she asked me to call her after. I did and she can’t see me today – tomorrow she will. When I left I told my therapist to feel better. I had also just asked her if it snows Monday could I come in Tuesday. She said to call her and she’s sure she has some time on Tuesday.
Here’s the letter but I changed a little for this blog (names and places and such):
Dear Grandma (GC),
I miss you – I miss you a lot. I love you – I love you a lot. I cherish all the moments we spent together up until the time God took you from us. You have always been one of my most (if not the most) admired person in my life and because you died when I was only 15 I never got the chance to tell you. You were a gentle sole – never would hurt a fly. You accepted everything that came your way both good and bad. I admire what a large family you had and loved everyone individually in your own way.
How special it was for me, your very youngest grandchild, to be born on your birthday. I remember my Mom telling me the story that when she woke up from after having me she apologized to you that she didn’t get you a birthday present. Your reply to her was that she gave you the best birthday present in the world – me! We shared our birthdays together for many years.
You were a grandmother to so many. With having 10 kids of your own and raising 3 others you had many, many grandchildren. But I never felt lost in all of them. You made me feel the most special, all the time. Like a favorite. Even my friends would call you Grandma. Just being with you either at your apartment or my house was a special event and I so much looked forward to it. Now that you are gone I can almost count the times and know how short it really was.
I could never do wrong in your eyes. I was always you’re My Y Name. You braided my hair, we watched Art Linkletter, Mitch Miller and the Lennon Sisters together. You watched me play my games and play with the best all sided and colored wooden alphabet blocks you had for me. I was a very picky eater. I think I only ate and drank 3 things at your house. You made the best Lucktion Soup. No one could make it like you. Even the way you made Kool-Aid it tasted the best than even at home. You would pour water in cups and containers back and forth and I think that’s the way you mixed it. Delicious! And … you always, always had a bag of M & M’s for me. How special that was.
I never remember going anywhere with you except a few times to the Special butcher or market when I was very young. We would walk down the street and back. On our way we would pass a playground but you would never let me stop and play. I think you were afraid of something. I wasn’t happy but that’s OK – I was with one of my favorite persons in the whole world. You made just being with you special. A few times we got you to come over to our house and we always had Special corned beef, rye bread, potato salad & cole slaw. Yummy! My Mom told me you were always afraid of me taking risks like climbing on my jungle gym and such but you only showed your fears to her and not me.
A few times I would sleep over your house or you would sleep over mine. We slept on twin beds next to each other. In the morning I would wake up first. I would wait patiently for you to open your eyes and wiggle your 2nd finger for me to come over in bed with you. That was so very special – so warm! We would snuggle close together and talk for a while. A couple times when my tummy hurt you would rub it around in a circle, showed me how to do it and told me that would help.
When we talked on the phone my Mom used to say it was different than with her. You would never complain to me about anything. Well … except you used to tell me you couldn’t hear in one ear. So, in turn, I’d laugh and tell you to switch ears. Anything I did was super in your eyes. I would try to get you to sing to me and one time I tape recorded you singing “Wait ‘Till The Sun Shines Nelly” with you asking Uncle #1 for a little head start assistance. I loved your special accent.
And, Uncle #1. He was very independent. You would cook and cook for him, too. But every day he would go downtown to eat. I think you felt hurt but you accepted it the way it was. You couldn’t change it and I think you knew it wasn’t you. It wasn’t your cooking. He, too had my special name (Aunt #5 named me that) and had other things to do downtown every day. What? I don’t think we’ll ever know. But he loved you and took care of you until the day you died. He held you in his arms when you collapsed when you were sitting on the toilet. He cleaned up after you when you got older and older and had accidents. You were his Ma, or Mamala and to everyone else as well.
Everyone loved you and respected you for who you were. You were simple. You didn’t have much to give but love. But that’s what made you so special. Most all your kids would come in to see you. Many times we had to go to Union Station or Wabash Station to pick them up if they came by train. The 3 oldest never came. Uncle #1 was here. Aunt #1 and Uncle #2 would come in separately from up north. Aunt #2 and Aunt #5 would come in separately as well from out west. Uncle #3 would come in from the east and Aunt #6 and my Mom were here. Aunt #3 and Aunt #4 from out west would never come in.
You would go into your coin purse and take out a few dollar bills to give me. I can still see your hands how you crinkled it up and exchanged it to me hand in hand. It made you so happy to give me just a little bit of spending money – a dollar or two here and there and once in a while a 5 dollar bill. Speaking of crinkling – both you and my Mom always had a kleenex in your hand, up your sleeve or by you. Did you cry sometimes and need it? I hope not. I remember the Chatty Cathy doll you gave me when I was little. We all got a kick out of hearing her talk. Then later, when I was older, you gave me the best present of all the kids – a Baby Cheryl doll that my Mom went out to buy. I felt so special. You didn’t have much money at all.
You would have many pictures displayed in your apartment. You got so excited when you got new ones of your kids, grandkids or great-grandkids. And you always had that color picture of my Mom so nicely framed on the wall for all to see. Sometimes your kids would call but more often they would write letters because it was too expensive to call in those days. You would always ask, “Did you hear from anyone?” I would get a little mad inside wondering why you would say ‘anyone’. Of course, we hear from people all the time! Who do you mean? But I think that’s the only time I ever got mad at you for anything. I’m sorry – I was just a kid.
OK, Grandma this is so hard for me right now. So hard. I miss you so much and I wish I could talk to you and see you. I wish that so much. But I can’t right now. I hope and pray so much that when I die we will be reunited again with open arms and we will hug so much we’ll never want to let go again.
When you died I remember when the phone call came in. I was in bed, trying to go to sleep. It was 10:40 PM – Sept 9, 1971. I heard my parents talking in the bedroom across from mine and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My Grandma died! Oh no! My g c! The days went quickly with lots of relatives (most of all your kids) coming in from out of town for your funeral. Everyone was at our house. I was sad but there was another part that was happy to be surrounded by so many relatives that we were kept apart from because of my Mom and Aunt #6 fighting all the time. Aunt #1 slept in my room in the twin bed next to me and we quickly found out that she screams in her sleep. Funny now that I think about it.
I admired you so much. How you had and cared for so many kids. How much love you had for all but never went overboard in showing it. We just knew. And how much you had to put up with, with your husband (my Grandpa) I never met. I heard he was very strict and very controlling. Everything had to be his way and he was very mean. I’m hoping he wasn’t mean to you but I bet he was. How did you handle that? I’m hoping you had lots of friends, lady friends in the neighborhood, and your kids to rely on – to help you. Maybe you just didn’t know any different and you just accepted him the way he was. I’m wondering if you felt lonely like I do in my marriage. Maybe we share that but my husband isn’t controlling like Grandpa was.
But the most heart-aching thing is how could you have left 4 girls out west and come here without them? I’m sure it wasn’t you – it had to have been him. I heard they were in the care of an Aunt and then she couldn’t take care of them and they had to go to an orphanage. I also heard that some of them were older and had boyfriends and they wanted to stay. I’m not sure I can believe all of that. I can get mad at you that you didn’t speak up to your husband and take them with you. But I can’t. You didn’t have a harsh bone in your body and you probably weren’t able to speak up to him. I bet it hurt you badly. I so very much wish I could have been there to help you talk it out and just be there for you.
I don’t think anyone had any harsh feelings because they still kept in contact with you. But now that I think about it Aunt #3 and Aunt #4 didn’t very much at all. But I want to attribute that to the fact they were poorer and didn’t have the money to do so. I hope that’s the case. No one should hurt you.
So what I want to tell you is that I admire you for who you were. And I miss you so much and wish I had had more time with you. I wish you could see my husband and my daughter, son & son and my grandkids boy & girl. You would love them all and they would love you so very much, too. I know they would! I feel like a lot of you is a part of me and I strive to be a Grandma like you. I hope I can keep the legend going and that my kids and grandkids love me as much as I love you. I even stand outside and wave to them when they leave just like you and Uncle #1 did on your porch whenever any of us left.
I know you are watching over all of us. Please help to keep us safe, well, happy and healthy. Say hi to everyone up there with you and tell them I miss them a lot, too. My Mom, my Dad, Uncle #1, my best friend and everyone else. If you like you can give me a sign that you are still with me. Hope to see you eventually but please not soon.
With all my love – forever,
My Y Name
The first thing I told her was we aren’t going to do any throw up exposures today although the weather is nice and it would be a good day to do it. She said, “It’s best.” I think because she’s not feeling good. I didn’t go into it but kind of responded with a look like I wouldn’t want to make her feel worse. I also wouldn’t want to make her really throw up. That would be a real exposure that I wouldn’t want and I’m sure she wouldn’t either. I did tell her next week maybe we will.
The next thing I asked her is what her husband said about my husband giving him as a referral. She said he got a job! Yeah! He starts on Monday. That’s fantastic. b is for boy j is for joke c is for can I told her my husband was a consultant there. Hopefully he’s not a consultant. No, and she’s knows what we went through with that. I told her I remembered the date opposite of 9-11 which was 11-9. I remembered at the end of our session, on a Monday, I was writing a check out and her cell phone rang and she answered it. I quickly wanted to write it and be out of there because it was her private conversation. I told her she acted real empathetic and told the person she could be home at 3:00. She said that was it. That’s when he first told her. I didn’t say but I am so very glad he got a job and hopefully they won’t even think about moving any time soon. Or, best forever. It’s like a load off my shoulders and I’m sure theirs, too.
I told her I had the letter I wrote to my Grandma and some old tapes. She was glad. I said I had to tell her something funny about the letter. I was typing at my computer in my bedroom, and how I talked about my privacy going, all of a sudden my son was there behind me at the door. I was crying – not really bawling – but crying. I turned around and right away told him I was OK and explained to him what I was doing. I still had my Grandma’s stuff and pictures and shared them with him. She said that was very nice and it was meant to be. Yes.
Now the tapes. First it was cold in there. She said it was and the guy therapist turned on the air conditioning. She went out and came back she turned it down. It’s still blowing but it won’t be cold. She said she could turn the heat on (she has a little portable heater) and that would help. She did. The thing back then was a tape recorder. We used to tape songs off the radio, my friend and I would be goofy speaking into it and we’d tape people for messages and such. I was at my Grandma & Uncle’s with my friend. I had the tape recorder and it must been on because I heard my Uncle go over to it and said maybe it was – maybe turned it on. But the conversations were there. And a neighbor with a screechy voice (I warned her about the voice) comes in, too. The other tape is when I went out west and it was relatives saying messages to my Grandma and Uncle. I said how my family liked to have a lot of fun and talk dirty, too. The first one is about 10-15 minutes and the second one about 5 minutes.
I played the first one first. When she heard the voices and accents (she thought my Uncle had an accent, too but he didn’t) she said they were so funny. She felt like she was listening to a radio show. I said how my Uncle would say things that weren’t the way they were. He was something - a story in itself. We picked up on some little phrases and names and dirty talking a little. We were talking about buses to school and she thought that was a strange conversation to be talking about. I’m not sure why. On the tape I said I wanted to be a child psychologist. We weren’t surprised. She did say I have a lot of people in my family very smart with intelligent jobs (one on the tape we talked about was a professor).
After the first tape she asked me how I felt hearing it. Nice to hear their voices. But hard (like it was really, really hard for me last night) because I’m not there anymore. It was nice and I don’t have that now. Before the second tape I showed her the family picture out there and commented again how there was never more than 5 kids together at any one time. She stood up and came closer to me to look but didn’t sit down. I said who everyone was again. Then I played the tape. At the very end my Aunt has a very nice message about me and my parents sharing me with them for a little while. She thought that was very nice – really the whole tapes, both tapes. I almost start crying (maybe a little).
She said to incorporate all that now within me and especially about my Grandma. I said yes and I said that in the letter I wrote to her. She said that her Mom’s family and her Dad’s family were so different. I think like mine. Her Mom’s was Irish and they liked to have a lot of fun. Her Dad went to boarding school and things were more structured (not sure if that’s the word but close). She also shared that her Grandma, on her Mom’s side, had a cookie jar filled with brownies. Now she has the cookie jar and when family comes over she makes sure she fills it with brownies. That’s very nice. This is the same side of the family (her Mom’s) that the 2 cousins just came to see her brother with her and her sister.
I said how the cemetery where my parents are her husband’s aunt and uncle are there just 2 rows away – just when you look up. You see the name very clearly. She said she has no reason to go out there but in case she ever does. And that screechy ladies last name is right next to my Mom and Dad. How strange. I do like when she shares things with me. Other people do many of the same things I do and it shows she’s a real person, too. I also did tell her that’s why I like that lady she has on her shelf – like my Grandma.
Then I got to the letter. I said I did like she said on one of her messages to me (written or phone) before she went to see her brother, to let my words flow and that’s exactly what I did. They just flowed as I wrote but it did take me a while to get to the girls left out west. I had told her earlier that I didn’t think I could get through it without crying. I did pretty good but parts were hard. The letter is below.
I got to the part about leaving the girls out west and that was really hard. I was fighting tears. I didn’t want to cry and I was reading something very hard. I was at the part that I said it wasn’t her – probably her husband. Then I started going to the bathroom. I stopped reading and looked up. “I’m going to the bathroom,” I told her in agony and putting my hands in my crouch area. “Alright,” she said as she nodded in a very understanding way. “What do I do?” I asked still in the same position almost panicking. She said again, “It’s alright” still nodding yes understandingly and got up to get my bag magically out of her drawer and quickly handed to me as I stood up by then, too. I asked if anyone was out there. She told me no (really how did she know that – I think I was taking my chances going out there but I’m sure she didn’t want me to stand there and pee on her carpet again and neither did I) and I left holding the bag behind me covering my butt. I think it went back there from when I was sitting and I didn’t want her to see anything – much less down my legs.
I went to the bathroom and got cleaned up. Again some got on the floor and I cleaned that up. A few drops on the rug again and I just hoped that would quickly dry. I changed clothes and went back in. When I got back into her office I sighed saying, “Oh, my God.” I sat down. “Are you OK?” she asked me. She usually doesn’t ask me that. I shrugged. She told me it was all OK. Then she asked, “What do you think happened? Do you think it was your emotions or do you think you were needing to take a break then anyway?” “I don’t know,” I replied still really upset at what happened and said how I hate when that happens.
“Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this,” I told her. “Oh, yes. It’s good to work through and get things out,” she empathetically told me. I told her it’s not out. She looked surprised because I was kind of crying. I told her it’s not completely out. I’m trying not to cry. I don’t want to. She asked why not. I told her for one I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. She told me you’re body gets to a certain level that you will or will be able to tolerate it. She said maybe in private I will. She asked if I ever have about this. Not really. I’m really organized (even then) and I was looking through the tapes and I taped myself crying a while after my Grandma died. Not long – just a minute or two. I’m also afraid to do what I just did (I didn’t have to say – she knew).
Little bit of silences before and after this. I think she was just waiting to see what I was going to do (cry or not) or say. A couple times she just took a deep breath, held it a second and then blew it out like I should do the same. I laughed a little but it broke up the intensity a little. Finally I told her I was going to finish the letter. She told me I got just to the hard part when it happened. Yes. She said she just looked at the clock and was going to ask me if I wanted to take a break because it was around the time that I usually do. But she didn’t. I told her how I can wait a little even if I was just starting to have to go. She said things happen with emotions. She asked me if I just got caught up in reading it and couldn’t tell. Maybe. She also asked if it caught me by surprise. Yes. I wish I had some warning. I said how like the other physical therapist said about my neck hurting (just had my last physical therapy yesterday). Holding things in. I hold in emotions and not wanting to go to the bathroom. I said this in relating to my neck hurting but we didn’t go into it.
So I read the rest of the letter. It was hard. She said something about using my Grandma in me to incorporate it into my life now with my family. I nodded but I really didn’t know exactly what all she said because I was going into that shame mode. In a bit I told her I just feel bad. About what? About what happened and that it shouldn’t have. She asked me what we should do so that I don’t feel bad. I didn’t really say but we talked a little about it and she said she already forgot about it until I mentioned it again. No damages were done, it’s all fine. I asked her if I got any on her rug this time as I looked down. “No. It’s good. Everything is good.” She’s thinking about those voices that are so priceless. That she won’t forget. Those voices! She chuckled.
She thanked me for sharing the tapes and the letter. She said repeatedly how special it was – even several times during the time we were listening and I was reading. She wants me to incorporate my Grandma somehow in our Sunday night dinners – however I think is best. I told her I didn’t think the kids were interested. She said how to show them the fun part of our family and me, and my son’s girlfriend how good she is for our family and how so much like me she is. I said I’ll be seeing more of her, my son has already started moving things in. I told her how the only one who is like that a little is my daughter, not my sons. She likes to have fun. My therapist knows how much I do. She wants me to carrying on this part of my family with myself and my family.
My massage therapist called at the end. I answered it but she went out a second to do something with the heat/air. She asked me if I was in with her. Yes. Then she asked me to call her after. I did and she can’t see me today – tomorrow she will. When I left I told my therapist to feel better. I had also just asked her if it snows Monday could I come in Tuesday. She said to call her and she’s sure she has some time on Tuesday.
Here’s the letter but I changed a little for this blog (names and places and such):
Dear Grandma (GC),
I miss you – I miss you a lot. I love you – I love you a lot. I cherish all the moments we spent together up until the time God took you from us. You have always been one of my most (if not the most) admired person in my life and because you died when I was only 15 I never got the chance to tell you. You were a gentle sole – never would hurt a fly. You accepted everything that came your way both good and bad. I admire what a large family you had and loved everyone individually in your own way.
How special it was for me, your very youngest grandchild, to be born on your birthday. I remember my Mom telling me the story that when she woke up from after having me she apologized to you that she didn’t get you a birthday present. Your reply to her was that she gave you the best birthday present in the world – me! We shared our birthdays together for many years.
You were a grandmother to so many. With having 10 kids of your own and raising 3 others you had many, many grandchildren. But I never felt lost in all of them. You made me feel the most special, all the time. Like a favorite. Even my friends would call you Grandma. Just being with you either at your apartment or my house was a special event and I so much looked forward to it. Now that you are gone I can almost count the times and know how short it really was.
I could never do wrong in your eyes. I was always you’re My Y Name. You braided my hair, we watched Art Linkletter, Mitch Miller and the Lennon Sisters together. You watched me play my games and play with the best all sided and colored wooden alphabet blocks you had for me. I was a very picky eater. I think I only ate and drank 3 things at your house. You made the best Lucktion Soup. No one could make it like you. Even the way you made Kool-Aid it tasted the best than even at home. You would pour water in cups and containers back and forth and I think that’s the way you mixed it. Delicious! And … you always, always had a bag of M & M’s for me. How special that was.
I never remember going anywhere with you except a few times to the Special butcher or market when I was very young. We would walk down the street and back. On our way we would pass a playground but you would never let me stop and play. I think you were afraid of something. I wasn’t happy but that’s OK – I was with one of my favorite persons in the whole world. You made just being with you special. A few times we got you to come over to our house and we always had Special corned beef, rye bread, potato salad & cole slaw. Yummy! My Mom told me you were always afraid of me taking risks like climbing on my jungle gym and such but you only showed your fears to her and not me.
A few times I would sleep over your house or you would sleep over mine. We slept on twin beds next to each other. In the morning I would wake up first. I would wait patiently for you to open your eyes and wiggle your 2nd finger for me to come over in bed with you. That was so very special – so warm! We would snuggle close together and talk for a while. A couple times when my tummy hurt you would rub it around in a circle, showed me how to do it and told me that would help.
When we talked on the phone my Mom used to say it was different than with her. You would never complain to me about anything. Well … except you used to tell me you couldn’t hear in one ear. So, in turn, I’d laugh and tell you to switch ears. Anything I did was super in your eyes. I would try to get you to sing to me and one time I tape recorded you singing “Wait ‘Till The Sun Shines Nelly” with you asking Uncle #1 for a little head start assistance. I loved your special accent.
And, Uncle #1. He was very independent. You would cook and cook for him, too. But every day he would go downtown to eat. I think you felt hurt but you accepted it the way it was. You couldn’t change it and I think you knew it wasn’t you. It wasn’t your cooking. He, too had my special name (Aunt #5 named me that) and had other things to do downtown every day. What? I don’t think we’ll ever know. But he loved you and took care of you until the day you died. He held you in his arms when you collapsed when you were sitting on the toilet. He cleaned up after you when you got older and older and had accidents. You were his Ma, or Mamala and to everyone else as well.
Everyone loved you and respected you for who you were. You were simple. You didn’t have much to give but love. But that’s what made you so special. Most all your kids would come in to see you. Many times we had to go to Union Station or Wabash Station to pick them up if they came by train. The 3 oldest never came. Uncle #1 was here. Aunt #1 and Uncle #2 would come in separately from up north. Aunt #2 and Aunt #5 would come in separately as well from out west. Uncle #3 would come in from the east and Aunt #6 and my Mom were here. Aunt #3 and Aunt #4 from out west would never come in.
You would go into your coin purse and take out a few dollar bills to give me. I can still see your hands how you crinkled it up and exchanged it to me hand in hand. It made you so happy to give me just a little bit of spending money – a dollar or two here and there and once in a while a 5 dollar bill. Speaking of crinkling – both you and my Mom always had a kleenex in your hand, up your sleeve or by you. Did you cry sometimes and need it? I hope not. I remember the Chatty Cathy doll you gave me when I was little. We all got a kick out of hearing her talk. Then later, when I was older, you gave me the best present of all the kids – a Baby Cheryl doll that my Mom went out to buy. I felt so special. You didn’t have much money at all.
You would have many pictures displayed in your apartment. You got so excited when you got new ones of your kids, grandkids or great-grandkids. And you always had that color picture of my Mom so nicely framed on the wall for all to see. Sometimes your kids would call but more often they would write letters because it was too expensive to call in those days. You would always ask, “Did you hear from anyone?” I would get a little mad inside wondering why you would say ‘anyone’. Of course, we hear from people all the time! Who do you mean? But I think that’s the only time I ever got mad at you for anything. I’m sorry – I was just a kid.
OK, Grandma this is so hard for me right now. So hard. I miss you so much and I wish I could talk to you and see you. I wish that so much. But I can’t right now. I hope and pray so much that when I die we will be reunited again with open arms and we will hug so much we’ll never want to let go again.
When you died I remember when the phone call came in. I was in bed, trying to go to sleep. It was 10:40 PM – Sept 9, 1971. I heard my parents talking in the bedroom across from mine and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My Grandma died! Oh no! My g c! The days went quickly with lots of relatives (most of all your kids) coming in from out of town for your funeral. Everyone was at our house. I was sad but there was another part that was happy to be surrounded by so many relatives that we were kept apart from because of my Mom and Aunt #6 fighting all the time. Aunt #1 slept in my room in the twin bed next to me and we quickly found out that she screams in her sleep. Funny now that I think about it.
I admired you so much. How you had and cared for so many kids. How much love you had for all but never went overboard in showing it. We just knew. And how much you had to put up with, with your husband (my Grandpa) I never met. I heard he was very strict and very controlling. Everything had to be his way and he was very mean. I’m hoping he wasn’t mean to you but I bet he was. How did you handle that? I’m hoping you had lots of friends, lady friends in the neighborhood, and your kids to rely on – to help you. Maybe you just didn’t know any different and you just accepted him the way he was. I’m wondering if you felt lonely like I do in my marriage. Maybe we share that but my husband isn’t controlling like Grandpa was.
But the most heart-aching thing is how could you have left 4 girls out west and come here without them? I’m sure it wasn’t you – it had to have been him. I heard they were in the care of an Aunt and then she couldn’t take care of them and they had to go to an orphanage. I also heard that some of them were older and had boyfriends and they wanted to stay. I’m not sure I can believe all of that. I can get mad at you that you didn’t speak up to your husband and take them with you. But I can’t. You didn’t have a harsh bone in your body and you probably weren’t able to speak up to him. I bet it hurt you badly. I so very much wish I could have been there to help you talk it out and just be there for you.
I don’t think anyone had any harsh feelings because they still kept in contact with you. But now that I think about it Aunt #3 and Aunt #4 didn’t very much at all. But I want to attribute that to the fact they were poorer and didn’t have the money to do so. I hope that’s the case. No one should hurt you.
So what I want to tell you is that I admire you for who you were. And I miss you so much and wish I had had more time with you. I wish you could see my husband and my daughter, son & son and my grandkids boy & girl. You would love them all and they would love you so very much, too. I know they would! I feel like a lot of you is a part of me and I strive to be a Grandma like you. I hope I can keep the legend going and that my kids and grandkids love me as much as I love you. I even stand outside and wave to them when they leave just like you and Uncle #1 did on your porch whenever any of us left.
I know you are watching over all of us. Please help to keep us safe, well, happy and healthy. Say hi to everyone up there with you and tell them I miss them a lot, too. My Mom, my Dad, Uncle #1, my best friend and everyone else. If you like you can give me a sign that you are still with me. Hope to see you eventually but please not soon.
With all my love – forever,
My Y Name
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