more about me
** copied and pasted from another site i'm on so i didn't have to type it twice**
well its a very long sad story so hope you get some time.Well i was born and raised here in North GA. We are a very strange folk that are still set in our applachian american roots. Some parts of it is a good thing, like being self suffecent and still knowing the old ways of surviveing off the land. Well then there are the bad parts that my dear old dad seem to try and keep up. Like being born in the wrong freakin century. If you have ever seen the the movie Without A Paddle... Burt reynolds character at the end of that movie.... my brothers and I swear the modeled him after our dad. looks, beard, accent and all!!!! except that him on his good days.
Well I can barely remeber my dad ever being good to me or not being absolutely terrified of him. after my first brother was born when I was 4. that is when I can remember things starting to get bad. He would always be yelling..... always. there was never anything good comeing out of his mouth. curseing. always screaming at my mom about stuff around the house. like dinner not being done when he got home, money , etc. they would throw things. the typical fighting abuseive american family. except with some southern american flare. he even used to make us stand at attention in front of him while he screamed at us about stupid shit? like this world is going to hell and life is a bitch so you better get used to it, the government is killing the little man, and the worst was the pigs he raised were worth more to him than we were. :(
but it was our secret. no body knew we lived like that. my dad beating us and treating us like that. my grandparents knew but i dont think that they knew how bad it was. the church was always praying for us but to no avail.my brothers and I started developing a code for when dad was home to see what kind of mood he was in. one of us would lose to rock paper sissors and leave our room and go to the kitchen or something. not say anything, when me or them would come back we would detrime if it was safe to come out of our rooms or not. it would be so bad sometimes that once i got my own room, when dad was in the kitchen ( which was right outside my room) and i would have to go to the bathroom. i would be to scared to even go out of the room to have to pass him that i would pee myself, then hide the cloths and blame it on my brothers. just so i wouldn't have to go near him. i would hide in the closets, bathroom, where ever I could to stay away.
when i got to middle school i started talking to a counseler cause by then I had been told i had ADHD. but i think that was crap. well during my talks with the counselers they strated to get me to talk about the abuse going on at home. well after a few months of talking with them , they told me that they want to notify the athoritys. well my mom found out and completely fliped on me. she said this was our business and no one elses. and asked did i want to be takein away from my family?!?! well i was so young and scared then my moms reaction freaked me out. and i didnt want to not see my grandparents anymore or be sepreated form my brothers. cause they were all i had. so i stoped seeing the counsler all together.
well in school i was bullied to cause I was strange and quiet, and my cloths werent all that great and in style and i had never hear of some of the bands and things that the other kids were into. I was neve that good in school. I was always scared of failing at stuff so instead of doing my work i just didn tdo it to save me from it not being right. so i had nothing to shelter me. school was hell, home was hell, my life was hell. i started to "pick at myself" and leave ugl scabs on my arms, but even then noby noticed, just made fun of me. my teahcers would just send notes home to my mom and she would just yell at me. i constantly wanted to run. i couldn't trust anybody. anybody that i thought i could trust turned out to just be an informant to the bullys or to my mom. so my brothers were all i had.
well all that kept on gping on till i graduated. when i graduated my parents wanted me to go to college. well i went. and the day i left my dad stayed away till i went to tell him goodbye. then he grabed me and hugged me and started to cry, which made me cry, cause i had never seen that??! ever!!! not even at funerals?!? well i had to drop out of college cause come to find out after i had been there a semester and struggled the whole time there. my dad had never turned in the parent part of the studnet loan? well now i had to pay 8000 dollars and drop out cause i couldnt continue with out funds. it was the worst thing ever.
Well ever since then i have been working various jobs, liveing on my own cause i was NOT going back there. I strggled for ever on my own, going hungry cause i could afford food some days, haveing a car with no heat. I even faited at work one day. but I better now. i am 26 now and married and the abuse has meesed me up!!! i have a good husband but he just doesnt understand my depression. i have severe trust issues. and it is causeing a rift in my marraige now too.but that is the short version of my story. if you want more just ask.
well its a very long sad story so hope you get some time.Well i was born and raised here in North GA. We are a very strange folk that are still set in our applachian american roots. Some parts of it is a good thing, like being self suffecent and still knowing the old ways of surviveing off the land. Well then there are the bad parts that my dear old dad seem to try and keep up. Like being born in the wrong freakin century. If you have ever seen the the movie Without A Paddle... Burt reynolds character at the end of that movie.... my brothers and I swear the modeled him after our dad. looks, beard, accent and all!!!! except that him on his good days.
Well I can barely remeber my dad ever being good to me or not being absolutely terrified of him. after my first brother was born when I was 4. that is when I can remember things starting to get bad. He would always be yelling..... always. there was never anything good comeing out of his mouth. curseing. always screaming at my mom about stuff around the house. like dinner not being done when he got home, money , etc. they would throw things. the typical fighting abuseive american family. except with some southern american flare. he even used to make us stand at attention in front of him while he screamed at us about stupid shit? like this world is going to hell and life is a bitch so you better get used to it, the government is killing the little man, and the worst was the pigs he raised were worth more to him than we were. :(
but it was our secret. no body knew we lived like that. my dad beating us and treating us like that. my grandparents knew but i dont think that they knew how bad it was. the church was always praying for us but to no avail.my brothers and I started developing a code for when dad was home to see what kind of mood he was in. one of us would lose to rock paper sissors and leave our room and go to the kitchen or something. not say anything, when me or them would come back we would detrime if it was safe to come out of our rooms or not. it would be so bad sometimes that once i got my own room, when dad was in the kitchen ( which was right outside my room) and i would have to go to the bathroom. i would be to scared to even go out of the room to have to pass him that i would pee myself, then hide the cloths and blame it on my brothers. just so i wouldn't have to go near him. i would hide in the closets, bathroom, where ever I could to stay away.
when i got to middle school i started talking to a counseler cause by then I had been told i had ADHD. but i think that was crap. well during my talks with the counselers they strated to get me to talk about the abuse going on at home. well after a few months of talking with them , they told me that they want to notify the athoritys. well my mom found out and completely fliped on me. she said this was our business and no one elses. and asked did i want to be takein away from my family?!?! well i was so young and scared then my moms reaction freaked me out. and i didnt want to not see my grandparents anymore or be sepreated form my brothers. cause they were all i had. so i stoped seeing the counsler all together.
well in school i was bullied to cause I was strange and quiet, and my cloths werent all that great and in style and i had never hear of some of the bands and things that the other kids were into. I was neve that good in school. I was always scared of failing at stuff so instead of doing my work i just didn tdo it to save me from it not being right. so i had nothing to shelter me. school was hell, home was hell, my life was hell. i started to "pick at myself" and leave ugl scabs on my arms, but even then noby noticed, just made fun of me. my teahcers would just send notes home to my mom and she would just yell at me. i constantly wanted to run. i couldn't trust anybody. anybody that i thought i could trust turned out to just be an informant to the bullys or to my mom. so my brothers were all i had.
well all that kept on gping on till i graduated. when i graduated my parents wanted me to go to college. well i went. and the day i left my dad stayed away till i went to tell him goodbye. then he grabed me and hugged me and started to cry, which made me cry, cause i had never seen that??! ever!!! not even at funerals?!? well i had to drop out of college cause come to find out after i had been there a semester and struggled the whole time there. my dad had never turned in the parent part of the studnet loan? well now i had to pay 8000 dollars and drop out cause i couldnt continue with out funds. it was the worst thing ever.
Well ever since then i have been working various jobs, liveing on my own cause i was NOT going back there. I strggled for ever on my own, going hungry cause i could afford food some days, haveing a car with no heat. I even faited at work one day. but I better now. i am 26 now and married and the abuse has meesed me up!!! i have a good husband but he just doesnt understand my depression. i have severe trust issues. and it is causeing a rift in my marraige now too.but that is the short version of my story. if you want more just ask.
Replies
I am so very sorry your life has been that way:(:(
I was raised in essentially the same way, except it was my mother who was the abuser. School was a b*** bcause of the constant teasing/bullying, I was always the \"weird\" one.
Your past is surely impacting your todays. You live to far out to get pro help, don\'t have a family dr. and that is not helping anything. I hope you will continue to write here and in the group, when things are so horrid, post on both the crisis and reg. depression sites. Sometimes, people only read one or the other. At the least, you will meet others that have walked in your shoes and can provide the solace you need as well as understanding and good advice. The fact you see how the past is affecting your today, while very painful, will help you to see that was then and is not where you have to be today. It won\'t be easy, but it can be done.
I\'m an old woman now and do know how hard it is to move beyond the garbage of my own youth and what it cost me for many years.
You are on the right track, maybe find another support group on here along with this one to help you overcome the abuse issues as well as self-esteem things. If not here, perhaps another site entirely. I think the more support you can get, the better you will be.
PLEASE do not give up, it\'s not worth the price.
Hey immarcie. i just now have seen your comment on here. thank you. And that is one of the things that I am scared of. \" You live to far out to get pro help, don\'t have a family dr. and that is not helping anything.\" & \" I\'m an old woman now and do know how hard it is to move beyond the garbage of my own youth and what it cost me for many years\" I\'m young compared to most. Only 26 but my whole life has been messed up because of this and i\'m afraid of whats its going to become if I can\'t move past this. I have tried and tried bt keep getting knocked back down, either by life itsself or the depression and anxiety. thanks for the support
wow you can tell I wrote this is in a hurry. There are soooooo many typo\'s and missspellings that its not funny.