Moody Tuesday
I find myself so anxious about work that I'm not sleeping. I've been up since 1 am. I had a whole head full of racing thoughts. How, I so much want to throw my phone out and erase myself online like I never existed. I did this before I left my marriage..I started taking my pictures down from family pictures. I don't feel apart of anything anymore. Work is just a means to an end for me.
My emotional are so erratic. Decent one day and in the hole the next. I see myself becoming a recluse. In a way, it's comforting for me because I "know".
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These days, my wilderness retreats are my deliberate, psych pro guided acting out of my craving to be a recluse. My early flights into the wilderness were something else entirely. My shrinks have too many names for ^it^ for me to fully understand, much less trust any of those names and theories. On the pragmatic end of those wilderness retreats, my survival skills are quite equal to living well without the civilized conveniences.
By whatever name, even in wilderness reclusion, my emotions remained erratic. "Decent one day and in the hole the next."
Sigh. . .
Are easy, consistent and comprehensive answers too much to ask?
You know,,,,in all the years I've been to counseling, I've been diagnosed OCD and depression and anxiety disorder but I think sometimes those are just broad labels. I think its much deeper than that. I've done a lot of reading and I think I have Derealization as much as I tend to zone out at times...even when driving. I have my little bottle of pills on the shelf at home and have been tempted to take them the last few days just to see if I can feel better on them after awhile...but, I dont want to become dependent on them as the withdrawal is hell.
So I have wrestled with the idea of taking them and potentially feeling better but later suffering the side effects or just try and deal with things constructively...which I cant handle.
Nerdatious Arithmomaniac that I am, I sure do like comparing the growth rates of the various science fields. For the record, "Arithmomania" is not to be confused with being good at math. Many math prodigies also suffer arithmmomania but the two remain distinctly separate phenom. I'll let you do your own research if you care to know those distinctions. A lighter weight study could be the movie, "A Beautiful Mind" and/or, "The Rain Man."
Two of my favorite comparison sets are physical and mental health sciences. I doesn't *know* but I does believe the mental health sciences are approximately equal to where physical health science was when medical doctors were treating syphilis with mercury.
Where's my penicillin! ! !
For now, I get by with a little help from my friends on my therapy support network. . . Still passing on the *mercury*, thank you kindly.