Month #10

Hi!  I don't know what I am supposed to say.  Not sure what triggered the fact that I am going backward, it seems. The goal is to move forward.  I don't feel like anyone understands my style of grieving.  Moving did not fix anything, really.  Now, because of some things that happened, I am entertaining the idea of moving back to where most of my kids live - or my siblings - or somewhere in between.  My grandkids might give me some level of comfort.  

I think I am ready to make new friends, both female and male.  The thing I miss the most is having a man to talk to.  But there is no one other than one close girlfriend.  I was recently chatting with a supposed widower I accidentally met through Instagram until I found out he was a scammer.  I had to block him, for my own protection, but I actually enjoyed having someone sweet talk me, even if it wasn't real.  It did bother me when he called me "dear," because Dennis had called me that.  Friendship I am ready for but not remarriage.

I am in the process of purchasing a headstone, and that may be what is triggering the meltdowns.  I am probably going to be guilty of overspending on it, but I want it done.  I need some level of closure, if that is okay to say.  He deserves the best.

I don't know what I will do for the holidays.  I would like to skip them, to be honest.  A family may invite me for dinner, but it is no fun going to observe the traditions of another family.  

I will get off here now.  I am new here, so I don't know what I'm doing.  I have bought a few widow books to read.