money issues with family, their money problems have brought me down

Hi angel friends, i wish i had a spirit soaring journal to write and share today, but i believe, and have a good feeling, this journal writing will help me with some healing, that i need right now. my focus, my peace, my emotional, and mental health has been stunned, and broken down due to some things going on in my life, that i've tried not to talk/write about it, but am struggling, and need to write. i feel raw, emotional, and have been trying to keep things together since late march, when a lot of this current feelings began. DS has been my place to escape too, from lots of awful feelings, stress, anxiety, depression, guilt trips, and more. it's takena lot of joy out of my days, and times when i'm most comfortable, and not feeling numb, is when i'm here on DS, because it's normal, and i love to help friends. i was doing ok at times in recent months, but it's gotten worse. i'm really down,and need to be uplifted,and changes need to happen, so i can be my full self again. Holly and my mom have been talking with me. i've been feeling broken, stuck, and unable to keep my full focus and i need some support, and help through this, and i know i've written about this subject before, but those times i could manage, but i feel like i can't manage anymore, and i'm very upset, but also down,and feeling bit defeated, and trying to keep hopeful. it's hard to write, but i'm gonna try to write it out. i feel like i'm broken emotionally, and can't feel my true self anymore and i miss that feeling of peace,and joy i use to have

family has been heavily relying on me financially,and it's become more of a problem, that i can't help anymore. i've written before, about some times when they would need me, but it's gotten out of control, and began in late March 2023, shortly after my 42nd birthday. they've made me feel broken down, and discombulated, like a feeling of just pure stress, anxiety,and depression. i was doing ok around my birthday,and really enjoyed my birthday, i recieved very nice cards, gifts, treasures, some gift cards, and money, and had a really nice time celebrating my birthday, and looking forward to more good times. it was shortly after my birthday, when i was thinking about how i'd like to buy some collectibles, to spend some money on myself. i'm a good saver, and often will save, before i spend on myself, and i really need to feel like i've saved enough to buy myself something. i remember this week, in late march, where i felt really well, and was looking forward to buying some coins, and other items, and then this whole world and wave of chaotic confusion, stress, and anxiety over took my days, my focus, my peace, and took control of my life.

It was on a wednesday in late march, when my sister Jenn approached me by text, with her needing to borrow money for rent, and i hear this story about them possibly losing their home, and all of this,and it tugged at my heart strings, and it's always been hard for me to say no. $1,170 i helped with, i knowi should have said i couldn't help, but it's hard. 2 days later, on a baking friday morning ,i'm getting ready to decorate our kitchen for baking friday that day,and my mom is frantic upstairs, and i ask her what's wrong, she said, jenn is getting on her, about their car that my mom and dad sold her 2 months before, for $1,500 and that the transmission isn't working well, so Jenn is blaming my mom and dad, and their car was fine, but Jenn and Mike didn't give the car transmission fluid,so the transmision went, and my mom's asking me for $1,500 so they can buy back, the broken car, from Jenn and Mike. i helped my mom, so that she didn't have all that stress and chaos. that same friday, Lisa texts me, who has owned me money, since last June (2022), and would get close to paying me back, for helping her with rent,from $1,300 down to $300, and would need $1000 back, that she's paid me back, $100 per week, each friday. Lisa was asking for $1000 more for her and her boyfriend's rent, and it's been a re-ocurring loaning ,she's never gotten down to fully paid back,all of this was on me that friday, and plus Alyssa wanting to re-borrow $1000 she borrows for me, it was nearly like, $4,900. i was stunned,and don't know how i made it through that day, in one piece, i truly felt i was hit with this tornado hurricane of emotions. i was very down, depressed, anxious, and feeling really used. i even texted family that this is all affecting my health,and i can't help with huge amounts of money anymore.

i found myself wishing the days away until friday, so i could recieve backsome of my hard earned money which i earned online, a penny at a time. weeks, and months went by, i talked with my mom, and Holly alot, a lot of emotions, and trying to hold things together, April, was very rough, and i tried my best to write about other things, our days, and keeping things together emotional. there were some rough days, and lots of feelings of resentment, and regret, for having helped in the way i did, and feeling hurt feelings. i did ok, through may, and i was recieving my money back, my parents paying me back, Jenn paying $50 per week, and Lisa paying $100 per week.

fast forward to last week, my parents needed $900 for bills, and Lisa texts me (She promised me, not to ask me anymore), and she still owed $700 and her rent is due, and she needs $700 on top of that $700 i'm owed, and then yesterday, as baking friday was almost complete, finishing up the adventure, cleaning up the kitchen, Holly went downstairs, and Jenn comes out into the kitchen, she asks me, if i could help her and Mike with rent (1,170) plus the $320 they still own me. i wrote yesterday's baking friday adventure kinda numb, stunned,and depressed, but didn't want my feelings to come in between the pure joy of a fun baking friday, i wrote just about baking friday, but i was struggling inside, and feeling broken. my brother Charlie has been badgering me lately too, for $10 her, and $20 here, and it's just become too much, and i've been wanting to change my cell number, and distance myself from most of my family. i just feel broken down, and i refuse to spend any of the money i have currently left that hasn't been brorrowed on myself, as i just wish away days until friday comes, so i can get back more of my money. i have said no, and have told family members, please, no more asking, and they still do, and come right at me. i'm really hurt. i got chest pains last summer (september), and was scared for my health and well being.

Jenn owes me $1,490, Lisa owes me $1,200, Alyssa owes me $1,160. my parents owe me $650, and Charlie owes me $140. i'm feeling done with it all, and there needs to be changes made. they ruined last summer for me, with their borrowing, and me wishing to get my money back, and they're doing it again. spending time with Holly, Tiger, watching our shows, m ovies, sports radio, nature, gardening, and DS time ,is the joy i have right now. i've kinda gotten a way from my joys of coins collecting, and treating myself. i've taken on too much responsiblity, of family's money issues,and it's become a negative part of my life, that i need to distance myself from. they've really done me in, i feel really broken,and i also feel broke, their responsiblities have laid on my shoulders heavily,and has affected my mental health. i work hard online, surveys, market research, product tests, evaluations, advertising, money i've saved up for years, i've worked since 2006 online, and sometimes it's pennies, a good day can be, over a dollar, or couple dollars, and i earn that and have done very well. it hurts me, when i will refrain from buying, a $3 coin, yet family can pretty much take $1000 or more of my dollars, to pay for their responsibilities, it's not fair, they go on trips, vacations ,all kinds of adventures, and i feel like i'm online, earning more just to feel like i have something left. i try to use gift cards i earn online, to buy items, so that i can continue to save up cash.

Holly and i decided not to shop today, she has her disability income coming in, and i just feel afraid of spending any of my money i have left right now, and it saddens me, i love the dollar tree, and this is what family has done to me, taking joy from my heart, and spirit, and i can't let this happen anymore. money i've been earning online, i've been putting away into my savings, and will continue to do that. it's the only money that truly feels like it's still mine. i really can't take emotionally,anyone in my family asking to borrow money from me. i just can't take it,and it's even made me think of changing my cell phone number. i've felt a lot of upset feelings, anger, disappointment, and frustration too, it's not right,and i know it's not, and i know i have to get tougher, and i'm gonna. i want to get my joy back, in my life, where i can feel free, de-tached from family members financial problems. their money problems has become stress, anxiety,and depression upon me, and it's not fair. i get disrespected by my family too, which hurts me. my mom talks a lot about money issues, and has issues with other family members,and it causes me to get worked up and upset. i'm thinking, when it comes to family, i've helped them financially, and they drop all of these other issues on me too, that they're going through, and it's too much.when i get paid back a bit here and there, someone borrows some of what i'm getting back, and then i feel like i'm not being paid back anything at all. their money problems, has brought me non-stop, continuous misery from week to week, and sometimes day to day

everyone is nice when they first borrow from me, but then there's this end of the grace period, where i feel like i'm not treated nice too, whether it's my dad, or my mom going off with all of her small issues that consumes her days, i try to support her, and she can put these guilt trips on. when we have visited Jenn and Mike, Mike doesn't talk much with Holly and i, it's uncomfortable, and i'm thinking, "Hey, didn't i help you, your family, with your rent/home". can't buy respect, and appreciation, but to be treated equally would be nice. same with Alyssa ,and Aj, so many times i helped her with money, which benefitted Aj, and him being able to have his car, and he and his family were rude, and disrespectful so many times, barely communicating with us. it's not comfortable to be around them. i'm getting to be done with this awful, chapter of financial and emotional abuse i'm enduring from family, i just feel like it's hurt me more than making me feel good for helping. i'm gonna try to learn to say no, and to deal with the short term guilt for saying no, rather than dealing with weeks and months of resentment of wishing i had said no. i'm ready to use excuses, like for example, telling family, i need my money for Holly and i, and our medical insurance costs, and stuff like that. i'm just done with it, loaning money has brought me a lot of emotional pain, stress, and depression, feeling like i'm stuck. family, all of this, has made me feel emotionally broke and traumatized. i'd love to get my peace, joy,and to be happy again. i need to not be financially abused by my family. i need to keep my focus on Holly, Tiger, DS friends, and nature. it's the blessings that will help me, to get back to being the full me, that i miss

Holly and i are putting some movies on today, and gonna check in on our plants. i'm not replying to any texts from family. i just need to distance myself from them, even if it's for the weekend. they've used me up and i need that space from them. i need to focus on my mental health. i want my family to get themselves situated with money better, so they don't rely on me anymore. i talked with my mom and Holly this morning, i told them,even if i get paid back $500, it's not gonna make me feel better right now,i feel used, and over and over again. it's just too much for me to handle, and it's re-occuring. i'm gonna start toughing up, and if they don't like that, so be it. i've got a clear conscience, and can always remind myself, i helped them, and won't be brought down by their money issues. i have a paper, i wrote down dates on, friday's, and i circle the amount of money i'm owed from week to week, and then family like Jenn, and Lisa coming at me for re-borrows, erases those weeks i've circled, and re-starts it. i'm done with it!!!!

Thank you angel friends, for being a bright spot in my days, and a wonderful positive prescence in my life, your friendship is a comfort, i treasure forever <3 i will write a journal later, i just needed to write this today, so that it is out of me. i've had a lot of this inside me for months now, and i've been able to cope, those friday pay-days for me, getting some of my money back, is what i look forward too, along with baking friday, but the days after friday, are rough, knowing it's a week long way until next payment, and them coming at me again, and again, without fully paying me back, it's become a major issue, and i know with you all on my side, my mom, dad, and Holly too, i'm gonna be able to get strength and tougher to handle these situations. Thank you for reading, listening, writing, and for always being there. i'm choosing to stay  away from family as much as i can this weekend, and upcoming week ,until next baking friday. it's upsetting being around them right now, knowing how much i've been used. i'll talk with my mom, dad, and Holly, but rest of the family, i just need my space from them. what my family is doing to me is wrong. i like financial stability, in being able to help out in very important times, like if we needed a new fridge, AC, or washer/dryer. it's why i saved up, for those essentials, including food, water, and more, not to keep paying for family members rent. i gotta get tougher and when i tell them again, that loaning money is affecting my health,they need to respect that and being caring of my health wishes