Monday part 2
I have been sitting here thinking about the Joe's mother and how I'm feeling about the whole thing. What it boils down to is this...
Every man that has come into my life has been unreliable and it seems I am a magnet to these types. There is something broken inside of me. I got spooked with this latest disaster.....I saw a man drunk half the time we spent together and all I could think of was that here is another man I won't be able to rely on and I will be worrying about whether hes behind the wheel of a car (and I know there were times he left the bar drunk and drove). Is this selfish of me to feel this way? If so, then why do I feel so guilty?
I loved this man dearly-but, maybe for once I loved myself more. He made a comment about me not "liking myself" but is it really the other way around? I know when I was drinking I liked the person I was better. I don't think he's far off from that. I know he's happier when hes drinking.
As much as I'd love to go home and down the whole bottle of unopened champagne in my fridge, I love myself enough not to make myself sick. I want to learn to face my pain head on without self medicating.I was well on my way to being an alcoholic because I couldnt face my pain and didn't like myself.
Replies
That’s disappointing that the guys in your life have let you down. I have become clearer on the patterns in my life and am learning a lot from them. Painful honesty but it’s real.
I’ve been sober for a few years and am surprised by the happier when drinking comment. That was not my experience; oblivious denial yes, but that was more painful than recovery. I just didn’t know I was in pain because I didn’t have sobriety to compare it to. I believe it’s impossible to be happy without knowing (or striving to know) yourself. I’ve been content for years but that stopped working. It came too easily so that should have been my clue. Take real sad over fake happy any day.
Your taste in men is yours to sort, but the arf opine is that loving yourself enough not to make yourself sick could be the start in the greatest love affair ever written. Go you. . .
For what its worth
I believe we attract the people who share our healing needs. Every time I resisted the urge to dump my chump, he and I were working through the same broken parts simultaneously, sometimes individually, sometimes together. The healing of one was the healing of us both. What's love but a second hand emotion? A bitch wolf mates for life, beaten crazy or knot. That's not to imply I lived with him during the hardest patches. Family is bigger than a shared address. The years we lived separately were the years we learned to live and let live.
He’s not happier when he drinks. He drinks because it numbs the pain. He might appear to himself to be happier but he’s an alcoholic so they lie a lot to themselves and also their brain is changed by alcohol. They are not only in denial but they believe in a reality that is alcohol induced. His drinking has nothing to do with you and he for sure is not happy when he drinks.
What do you mean you are broken? I don’t think that’s a real thing, meaning most of us do what we do for very specific reasons. Maybe you find yourself attracted to unreliable types and that begs examination of yourself to understand why is that and then breaking that cycle for yourself. Because saying it’s because you are broken implies there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s not true.
Wow! I am blown away!! This is so exciting! You had a revelation today! Good for you! You are growing and maturing emotionally! I am honored to be a witness to your personal growth!
God Bless and may you continue to peel off the layers of yourself and heal them!
Thanks all...I am a work in progress as we all are. I know I need learn patience with myself and others.