Monday comes around
Monday morning. The dishes got done. But wow we made a lot of 'em yesterday! My son Byron and his sweet Caitlin came over in the early afternoon and we cooked up a ton of delicious football foods. The best part of the whole day was just being with him. We have both been missing Andy so much. I said to Byron there's no fix for that. We have to just carry it. So we do. We mention Andy's name pretty often. He hated Pixar and Dreamworks movies... all those ads during the Superbowl... he would have gone into a tirade: what's wrong with good old animation!?
I wish Byron had another sibling to do this life with. I always thought that was a potential risk, having only two kids. But I was one of those children of the 60's (born in 55) who was raised on Rachel Carson, Wendell Berry, ZPG, etc. We weren't supposed to have more than two. It wasn't right. Of course now I'm surrounded all the time by people who did what they wanted to do and have 3, 4, even 10 kids. It's confusing in terms of burden on the planet, but I can see the upside of it, easily. You have more love, potentially, and more support. Less likely to be alone. I love my sister and brothers so much...
I'm TRYING to be cheery and green smiley, I swear! Just letting some thoughts come to the surface, lol. I feel strong and capable. I feel I have a lot to give. I feel that the broken parts of me are being given the necessary support, space, and time. I feel that while Andy got a very unlucky break with cancer, he was also profoundly blessed by being in our family, where a guy gets every kind of love and support. The unconditional love...
And what could be better than that. : )
I wish Byron had another sibling to do this life with. I always thought that was a potential risk, having only two kids. But I was one of those children of the 60's (born in 55) who was raised on Rachel Carson, Wendell Berry, ZPG, etc. We weren't supposed to have more than two. It wasn't right. Of course now I'm surrounded all the time by people who did what they wanted to do and have 3, 4, even 10 kids. It's confusing in terms of burden on the planet, but I can see the upside of it, easily. You have more love, potentially, and more support. Less likely to be alone. I love my sister and brothers so much...
I'm TRYING to be cheery and green smiley, I swear! Just letting some thoughts come to the surface, lol. I feel strong and capable. I feel I have a lot to give. I feel that the broken parts of me are being given the necessary support, space, and time. I feel that while Andy got a very unlucky break with cancer, he was also profoundly blessed by being in our family, where a guy gets every kind of love and support. The unconditional love...
And what could be better than that. : )
Replies
Sending you much love and many hugs, Colleen((((((((((hugs)))))))))) ((((((((((love))))))))))
I hope your day goes smoothly....I hope the green smiles will raise you up.
As for the number of kids one should have....well, I am blessed to have had three. My mother was a product of the 30\'s and the youngest of eleven...there was lots of love goin\' on... ;) It is all about how one is raised I suppose. I think it all equals out in God\'s eyes...I do not believe there is one life on this planet that was not sanctioned and approved of and loved by the Creator....and none ends without His knowing.
It is good that Andy is spoken of often. During the football game I felt sad because of the one who loved and played the sport was missing...but in essence Brandon and Andy and all our children were still there....our laughter and good memories abound. Byron\'s and Andy\'s love will keep you going. Hugs......dale, brandon\'s mom
Nothing is better than that! Surrounded by love - unconditional love and unwavering support! So many people live a long, but lonely life. That\'s what comforts me when I think of Ed. He knew he was loved!
Have a good day. Love to you and Andy, Linda
I am so glad you can include Andy in the fun times. I am sure he was there with you. As for the number of children, I agree. I wish I had another one - for Andrew - someone who understands his pain. He knows I do but he hesitates to talk about his feelings - he doesn\'t want to hurt me.
I never thought about the fact that our kids grew up and lived their short lives with caring families and unconditional love.
Thank you for posting.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Unconditional love, that\'s all that\'s really important! On a funny note, my son Kevin once told me when I asked him if he ever wished he\'d had another brother or sister, (in this life) \"Why do you think it\'s called \" Mom-ME!\" (Mommy)--I conjectured from that he was \"OK\" with being an only child...! XX
I think you have done a fantastic job with your growth and acceptance, And you know that it all honors Andy, it does not take away from him or your love for him in any way. You\'re a wonderful parent, and I know your other child will be just fine and well adjusted due to all your efforts.
Beckeroo
I\'m so glad you have Byron (and he you), and that you can share the love you had for Andy and the powerful feelings of loss. Not all families have the ability to be open with their feelings. You did so well in bringing those boys up to be caring and loving humans. And, yes, I can imagine the judgements about the commercialism etc of \"the ads.\" My son too.
Indeed ~ unconditional love is as good as it gets! Andy ~ treasured, beloved, mocking Superbowl commercials right along with you and Byron. Keep up the great mothering, as I know you will.
Sending much love and big post-Superbowl hugs to you, Byron and Andy ~ Debbie
I FEEL BAD I ONLY HAD ONE CHILD AND 3 MISCARRIAGES, I LOST MY ONLY DAUGHTER. AND MY WHOLE FAMILY NOW MY LIFE IS EMPTY AND LONLEY. YOU ARE SO BLESSED TO HAVE HAVE YOUR SON, IT IS SAD ANDY HAD TO GET CANCER IT IS A SAD THING A YOUNG PERSON. BUT HE HAD A LOVING FAMILY. GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD DAY BUT I,AM SURE ANDY WAS EVERYWHERE IN YOUR THOUGHTS. WE NEVER FORGET THE ONE WHO I S GONE. LOTS OH HUGS ZZZ
I know how you feel. I only had the two boys, too. And I worry about how Mark feels, being the only child, now. It is hard. I was an only child and always, wanted brothers and sisters. Sounds like Andy was very loved then and now....Hugs.
Rachel Carson youngest of 3.
Wendell Berry oldest of 4.
ZPG whoa ... clearly unhappy with number9, and 5678! Whoops. My apologies on JP & APs behalf.
Byron in one of many comforts I read from Andy\'s cb journals, were the many friends your sons are blessed with. It was an obvious strength in brotherhood between all of them. Beautiful men in generous love and pilars of support for one another. I hope these special relationships are ones that will shoulder Byron the entire way in doing life! Could imagine Andy\'s heart feeling full for his baby bro surrounded by many amazing brothers from many other mothers! xode
I know exactly how you feel! I have one remaining child and I often feel badly that when I am gone, he will not have his brother. I did want more but it did not happen. I actually had the two boys with medical help for both. Then a third child was a tubal pregnancy. I am the eldest of 7 and all of my siblings have children and some, grandchildren. I love them all but avoid the family gettogethers due to it is just too difficult for me. It boggles my mind sometimes that I am the eldest and just have my one son and no grandkids while two of my younger sisters have 10 children and 12 grandchildren between them. I just got stuck with yucky insides that would not make babies. Love you, Belinda
I wish that too... marvel at large families and taught with a woman who was one of 12! In Utah this is not uncommon at all and to have \"only\" two was often looked at with surprise?! Interesting the common threads of this journey that we ponder and wonder about. The love is always evident in all that you write and I can only imagine how much Bryon misses Andy. Gentle care as all these thoughts, feelings come trickling or flooding in whichever it may be. Sharing them is so healing and I thank you. XO Joanie
Very moving journal....I really think you all are wonderful and send deepest wishes to each and all for healing....the unconditional love is a marvelous matrix for life and living....lots of love to you....
So many things to think about...filter through the emotions...ponder it all...one thought at a time...many all at once...just think them all...love and hugs...Karen