mommy's dying inside and out
What do I do? Where do I go?
Since January 20, 2015 my life is a blur.
That's the night my 12 year old little girl told me her father raped her. The man I shared life with. The man who is in so many pictures. We separated when she was 7 and divorce was final by the time she was 8. But from 7 on he was molesting her. And on Christmas night, right after she turned 8 he raped her. It was her "big gift." I am just finding all this out.
The past 8 months the story is unfolding in a horrific way. Little by little. Tiny bits and pieces. Little flashes of the horror. And no one can take action. No one can make him pay for the sickness that he is.
She beats me. She attacks me. She hates me. She calls CPS on me and tells terrible lies. She beats my son, her brother, draws blood, leaves marks, leaves pain. She attacks my new husband, yet he is one of the few people she trusts??? She attacks us, with weapons, words, fists and words. I love her deeply, yet have a terrible guilty resentment for what she does to me, my son, my husband, and my family. Isn't that selfish and sick? I feel badly towards a child who has been raped by her own father...
I love her so much. She is a gift from God. She is my life, light, and friend. She is innocent, precious, and so loving....until the switch is flipped. She becomes manipulative, mean, evil, and more.
Tonight she told me that when she was 10 her father took her Vegas and forced her to have sex with a strange man. I can not cry, or feel, feel anything but numb. It's weird, but like hearing a sick twisted story that is fiction. Like a sick movie, but you can't turn it off.
For the past 11 days she is in another state in a psychiatric hospital. This is her 3rd time in 4 months. The first time she went was 3.5 months ago. She told me of her plans to kills each o us and then herself. Last month, I walked in on her trying to hang herself...I thought she was sleeping, but no. She had researched how to tie a noose, tie it off successfully and die.
30 seconds....half a minute...the time it takes to speak a sentence. That was the difference between her life and death. That was her 2nd hospital stay.
Then 11 days ago she tried again. Taunting me. Standing on her bed (loft bed) tying the noose and telling me how happy she was that I'd be there with her in her last moment. The police came in and then she was put in the hospital for the 3rd time.
This last time was different. It was a cry for help versus an actual attempt to die. But, while being looked over by hospital staff we found over 200 cuts on her body.
I have "baby-proofed" the house. Hidden knives, razors, any blade type utensil imaginable. But she still finds things to hurt herself. Paracord bracelet. That's what she tried to hang herself with. A child's craft item - which we thought we had hidden and locked away. She's definitely clever...
So tonight, during the 10 minute phone call we are aloud daily, she tells me about this other man. She speaks about it in blurts, she yells it out and then the shame she feels is overwhelming and contagious.
What do I do? What do I say?
The detective is worthless. She says there's not enough evidence. She's young and dumb. She got her job because she looks extremely young. The department uses her in underage prostitution stings. That's why she has the label 'detective'. She told me this herself last month. Her being on this case is a conflict of interest. She has past run - ins with the sick bastard. (That's a whole different sick twisted story)
Is there anyone out there who can help me? Tell me what to do. Where to go. Tell me how to cry and mourn. Please.
Please help me.
Since January 20, 2015 my life is a blur.
That's the night my 12 year old little girl told me her father raped her. The man I shared life with. The man who is in so many pictures. We separated when she was 7 and divorce was final by the time she was 8. But from 7 on he was molesting her. And on Christmas night, right after she turned 8 he raped her. It was her "big gift." I am just finding all this out.
The past 8 months the story is unfolding in a horrific way. Little by little. Tiny bits and pieces. Little flashes of the horror. And no one can take action. No one can make him pay for the sickness that he is.
She beats me. She attacks me. She hates me. She calls CPS on me and tells terrible lies. She beats my son, her brother, draws blood, leaves marks, leaves pain. She attacks my new husband, yet he is one of the few people she trusts??? She attacks us, with weapons, words, fists and words. I love her deeply, yet have a terrible guilty resentment for what she does to me, my son, my husband, and my family. Isn't that selfish and sick? I feel badly towards a child who has been raped by her own father...
I love her so much. She is a gift from God. She is my life, light, and friend. She is innocent, precious, and so loving....until the switch is flipped. She becomes manipulative, mean, evil, and more.
Tonight she told me that when she was 10 her father took her Vegas and forced her to have sex with a strange man. I can not cry, or feel, feel anything but numb. It's weird, but like hearing a sick twisted story that is fiction. Like a sick movie, but you can't turn it off.
For the past 11 days she is in another state in a psychiatric hospital. This is her 3rd time in 4 months. The first time she went was 3.5 months ago. She told me of her plans to kills each o us and then herself. Last month, I walked in on her trying to hang herself...I thought she was sleeping, but no. She had researched how to tie a noose, tie it off successfully and die.
30 seconds....half a minute...the time it takes to speak a sentence. That was the difference between her life and death. That was her 2nd hospital stay.
Then 11 days ago she tried again. Taunting me. Standing on her bed (loft bed) tying the noose and telling me how happy she was that I'd be there with her in her last moment. The police came in and then she was put in the hospital for the 3rd time.
This last time was different. It was a cry for help versus an actual attempt to die. But, while being looked over by hospital staff we found over 200 cuts on her body.
I have "baby-proofed" the house. Hidden knives, razors, any blade type utensil imaginable. But she still finds things to hurt herself. Paracord bracelet. That's what she tried to hang herself with. A child's craft item - which we thought we had hidden and locked away. She's definitely clever...
So tonight, during the 10 minute phone call we are aloud daily, she tells me about this other man. She speaks about it in blurts, she yells it out and then the shame she feels is overwhelming and contagious.
What do I do? What do I say?
The detective is worthless. She says there's not enough evidence. She's young and dumb. She got her job because she looks extremely young. The department uses her in underage prostitution stings. That's why she has the label 'detective'. She told me this herself last month. Her being on this case is a conflict of interest. She has past run - ins with the sick bastard. (That's a whole different sick twisted story)
Is there anyone out there who can help me? Tell me what to do. Where to go. Tell me how to cry and mourn. Please.
Please help me.
Replies
Have you ever thought about contacting R.A.I.N.N.?
I suggest that you need a very experienced therapist for yourself. You cannot help your daughter without getting help for yourself. Find someone older, someone experienced with sexual abuse and CPS, and let that person hold your hand through this.
I can very well understand your rage and despair and your desire for the police to take action on this incredibly disgusting and cruel crime. Nevertheless, the priority has to be your daughter\'s healing, which is literally a matter of life and death at this moment. Prosecution of the criminal who hurt her can come later. The most important thing she needs to hear, over and over and over again, is that nothing that happened to her was her fault, and that she did not deserve anything that happened to her.
I am sure you have already done your best to set boundaries on her behavior... It is important that she not act her pain out on her brother, who is innocent. She must understand that she is not allowed to hurt him. He is an innocent child.
There is an incest survivor\'s group on DS, a Sexual Abuse group, and a group for parents of abused children. Please reach out for the support as you need. RAINN is great - I am an incest survivor and found a therapist through RAINN. I pray that you and your family find help and healing.