Mixed States

definitely this episode is all about the mixed state. i'm up i'm down...last night i was whirlwind in the kitchen. i scrubbed and bleached down the sinks, cooker, counters, microwave, diswasher and refrigerator in less than an hour. after, with the house reeking of bleach and cleanser i did two loads of laundry and refilled all the bottles of cleanser from the large industrial size jugs we keep under the kitchen sink.  this after i was feeling too exhausted from the aftermath of my anxiety attacks to do more than stumble into bed after my appointment with my PCP.  now i am once again melancholy, and fighting off the crying jags. when i'm not fighting off the crying jags i keep finding random things so amusing that i laugh out loud.  really, what is this? if anybody up/out there is listening i'd like my brain to slow down, stop sending mixed messages to itself and settle down into something like stability. i meet again with my therapist today we'll see what she has to say about it all. i'm really looking forward to her concise assessments and practical coping suggestions, along with the reinforcement of the CBT  techniques.  my goal for today is to answer all of my DS emails, and finish cleaning my bathroom, and start on my bedroom.  my sister used to call my bedroom at my parent's house the cave because i rarely left it and it was perpetually dark. i didn't use the lights at all, preferring the glow from my computer screen for any needed light in the evenings. i'm likely in for more teasing once she gets a look at the blackout curtains i put up this morning, well yesterday morning. for some reason i felt i just had to go buy them yesterday at 4 in the morning and put them up right away.  on the plus side they're very pretty, a nice chocolate brown with very subtle texturing. also on the plus side they were on sale and so was the drapery rod, and i really like the finials.  on the downside, superfluous spending is bad idea for me right now. being in a relatively empty retail centre at o'dark thirty meant there was less urgency to leave a crowded space an being a little OCD (or maybe a lot OCD) i went a little overboard on the indecisiveness and fixated on the black sweaters. and i couldn't argue myself out of purchasing one of each style. luckily for my bank balance there were only 4. so...rambling, unable to focus on one topic, varying moods and uncontrolled expression. i have a feeling today is going to be a doozy.