Mixed emotions
Hubby is at work, leaving me with entirely too much time on my hands to dwell on things. I just thought that I'd write about a friendship that has grown because I finally decided to open up about how I've been feeling.
For my own thoughts, I'm going back to the beginning. I remember coming home from church with my family the night after my sister-in-law told us that she was pregnant with her 2nd child less than a year after the first was born. I could barely keep it together in church, nevermind going out to breakfast right after. I just stopped at home and couldn't stop crying...it was the first time that I really felt devastated about not conceivng. And the first time that I shared this devastation with my husband. After a while I managed to find a smile and join the fam late for breakfast. At first when we started trying to conceive, no one knew about it...so naturally, nobody knew why my fb posts had negative and depressed undertones or why I'd show up places with less than a smile on my face. I really took it hard at the beginning and kept to myself. After a while, I opened up to a couple of close friends, which made me feel supported at least.
That's not to say that it's easy now. Part of my reason for writing is that I'm feeling low today and I guess I'm feeling worried that this won't be the month. I pray every week at church, I pray before bed, I pray in the car...I am full of faith, but I find myself questioning it, which upsets me even more because on one hand I say "God gives me nothing I can't handle." and the other hand says "God must not want me to be a mom." So there's an internal struggle.
I digress. Back to my original point. One of my sis-in-laws has been so helpful throughout the past few months. One day hubby just said "You should talk to her, she's been through this." Now we've always got along, but would never hang out together or have in-depth chats. So we got together for dinner and have been getting together every couple of weeks ever since. She had her own struggles that I won't share with the online community, but truly understands and listens and offers advice. Growing up with no sisters of my own, I feel so lucky that someone in my extended family can be so absolutely caring.. So I guess I'm grateful, that even through the pain of not conceiving, I've gained a friend.
So there it is...sad, worried, grateful. Interesting combination.
For my own thoughts, I'm going back to the beginning. I remember coming home from church with my family the night after my sister-in-law told us that she was pregnant with her 2nd child less than a year after the first was born. I could barely keep it together in church, nevermind going out to breakfast right after. I just stopped at home and couldn't stop crying...it was the first time that I really felt devastated about not conceivng. And the first time that I shared this devastation with my husband. After a while I managed to find a smile and join the fam late for breakfast. At first when we started trying to conceive, no one knew about it...so naturally, nobody knew why my fb posts had negative and depressed undertones or why I'd show up places with less than a smile on my face. I really took it hard at the beginning and kept to myself. After a while, I opened up to a couple of close friends, which made me feel supported at least.
That's not to say that it's easy now. Part of my reason for writing is that I'm feeling low today and I guess I'm feeling worried that this won't be the month. I pray every week at church, I pray before bed, I pray in the car...I am full of faith, but I find myself questioning it, which upsets me even more because on one hand I say "God gives me nothing I can't handle." and the other hand says "God must not want me to be a mom." So there's an internal struggle.
I digress. Back to my original point. One of my sis-in-laws has been so helpful throughout the past few months. One day hubby just said "You should talk to her, she's been through this." Now we've always got along, but would never hang out together or have in-depth chats. So we got together for dinner and have been getting together every couple of weeks ever since. She had her own struggles that I won't share with the online community, but truly understands and listens and offers advice. Growing up with no sisters of my own, I feel so lucky that someone in my extended family can be so absolutely caring.. So I guess I'm grateful, that even through the pain of not conceiving, I've gained a friend.
So there it is...sad, worried, grateful. Interesting combination.
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