Mixed Bag Today
Today was a mixed bag of a variety of subjects. She had an “O” magazine sitting on the couch for me and told me she didn’t need it anymore and thought I’d like it before she recycles it. Sure and I thanked her. First I told her I wanted to go walking today – twice. The first time once around the circle and the second time twice around the circle. I can do it! She was a little confused at first as to what I wanted to do and thought maybe it was only one time. Maybe the first one, go to the bathroom, then the second twice – all being at the same time and not separate times. So I cleared it up for her. “Do you want to go now?” she asked me. “Yes.” I didn’t even need to tell her I needed to go to the bathroom and that was nice for a change. I think sometimes she thinks I have to go too badly the first time and end up having an accident. Yes, it does happen sometimes but I was determined not this time.
We left right away. We talked a little about the weather how nice it is now. She said spring is finally here. Yes! I said how it’s supposed to rain the rest of the week, though. We got down the first flight of stairs and before we got outside she asked me which bathroom I was going to use: downstairs or upstairs or upstairs in her suite. I told her I didn’t know – we’ll see how it goes. She said it’s good to have a plan.
We walked outside and started walking around the circle. She suggested to go look and see if any food was left from the last exposure we did last week. I told her yes, that’s a good idea because I was curious, too. Sometimes I go back later and look but I didn’t last time. We went over there, looked and we both saw nothing was there. She said, continuing walking and not stopping, that the animals must have gotten it. Yes. I’m guessing she kept walking not to waist any time for me. She asked me if I got to do things outdoors this weekend. Yes and I asked her if she did. Yes. We were about to go on further with the circle and I said, “I’m scared. Let’s go back.” So we did.
Walking back she asked me where I want to go to the bathroom. I told her downstairs and mentioned I just got scared. She said it’s good I trust my instincts. I think I walked in the building first and we walked down the short flight of stairs. She told me she’d wait for me there at the bottom of those stairs while I go. I did, had to go in front on the red headed girl on the phone, in that office, who glanced at me and smiled. After I came back out. I told her I did fine. “Yes!” and she gestured with her thumbs up. We walked up the 2 sets of stairs. I told her about that guy commenting I don’t have a coat on today and I said about it raining. He told me I’m sweet but I won’t melt. But he may rust. She didn’t say much and we were inside her waiting room already. I think I went back to her office first.
She asked me how that was. I told her again how I got scared. She asked me at what point and what thoughts went through my mind. I thought and decided at the same point that I did the last time we did this last week. She said we were at that point in the circle and she was going to take me further but that’s when I said I wanted to go back so we didn’t. Yes. She wondered if I couldn’t do it any longer. No, I think I just got scared.
So at that point I told her about the walk at the park around the track area. She’s familiar. I described where everything was. I told her I had been drinking. We got towards the far end and I needed to go to the bathroom. I told my husband and decided to go over in the area where some equipment was. I was lucky – no one was around then. Then we went around again and I needed to go again at the same point. It takes about 15-20 minutes to go around so that’s about how long it was. We didn’t say but I know that’s not long between times but I had been drinking. We didn’t talk about it. My husband said about going to where the bathrooms were but no – I was afraid again – and did the same.
What if I was at the lake where my son went and he said it was really crowded? We used to go there almost every night before. I couldn’t have done that. She shook her head no. I think she said about planning something but I can’t remember what. I said again about it being I was scared. She said she was reading some stress book and it said something about dots you put under your skin of your hand and it tells your stress. “Like a mood ring!” I told her. Yes. That way you can see when you are getting stressed and do something about it. I told her let me know about it when she finds out more. She will. She also said about asking a doctor things – especially about telling them about the encephalitis which may play a big factor in this. I just smiled. She knows my hesitations. She referred to what I just brought in recently about the bladder contractions.
So I start talking about other things. I told her I was at the Mall the end of last week and saw a friend of mine who reads the whole thing. He always kisses me on the lips when I see him. I was about to get lunch and I asked him to join me and he did. It was very nice to be with him. She said it was good I asked him. I told her about it’s nice having my son with us. He comes over to be with us more than I had thought he would. Although last night he took off bowling after he was with us and didn’t tell me. And my youngest calling me 2X, didn’t get me, I called him back and left a message, no call back. He did call my other son and wanted the forecast in the park. He spends half the time there and at a friends, with a friend. He’s in the park now and that always scares me because I can’t reach him and who knows what else. She only listened.
Then I told her Friday my friend, daughter and I were doing this thing on Facebook with the third letter of our names describing each other. I started to say emerging for my friend but thought I better not. That doesn’t sound positive. But she is emerging doing new things. I can’t remember what I changed it to. But she said smart for me and my daughter first teased with yellow and then said young. I told her I didn’t know if I’m either of those. She asked me why because they are compliments. I guess I’m young. I look younger, act younger and such for my age. But the smart sometimes I don’t feel very smart. We started talking about looking for a job. She said I’ve been out of the loop and anyone would feel like that. But she told me I am smart. I can figure things out and solve problems easily and other things. I can’t remember how she put it but I think she was saying I do have a lot of “smart skill”. And when I was younger, she reminded me, I tested high. Right. She also said that we (people) are not the same (meaning being smart) different parts of the day. I said or with different people. Yes.
I told her I wanted to talk more about the job thing but I wanted to talk about something else first. OK. Then I said really something else, then that, then back to the job thing. I stumbled telling her I hate to have to talk about these things. I said how this weekend in about a 4-5 hours span of time it happened about 4 times. When I say that this really doesn’t happen to me. Maybe it does and I don’t realize it or it’s just more lately. It’s the stress incontinence. She said it happens to women in menopause.
I told her I just started to go to the bathroom without feeling it – suddenly. I asked if that happens to people, if that happens to her. She mostly focused on other people and said it usually happens when coughing or sneezing or laughing like me with the Laughter Yoga. But not like this without warning. She asked if maybe I have a urinary tract infection. No. I think the other does happen to her. She very much stressed again about seeing a specialist. She told me it’s really time to do that. We talked about the exposures how they are really good for the throwing up but may not be as effective for this. I told her they are. To stay calm, be around others (when we go next door) and just around her when we do them here. She said we need to do other things including that light bar. I said that’s OK we can do both kind of teasing about that light bar because she know how I’m not crazy about it.
She continued on about the doctor. Her rep client said there’s new procedures they can do – inserts, small operations. I reminded her I’ve been to a doctor. She asked me about who I saw, when and what happened. It was in ’01 and I remember having cat scans. They found a cyst on one kidney and then repeated it and it was the other so someone was confused. Then maybe it wasn’t there. I can’t remember – it was dropped. I took medicine and it didn’t help. They did an ultra sound (nothing – just there in the office) to see if I was emptying my bladder OK – I was. I was pushed into going. She wanted to know by whom. That old friend of mine who’s sister died that was my best friend. She acted like she may be doing a little pushing now. She wanted to know if that person found the doctor for me. Yes.
Then a long, long time ago I went and they filled up my bladder and it gave me a urinary tract infection. She said I had some bad experiences but maybe not the same now. She said she saw her oncologist one day and the next day she started chemotherapy. Just think what could have happened if she waited. It’s best to get on top of this right away. Maybe there’s some medicine to help that part of the brain that could be from the encephalitis. That this doctor is so busy that maybe I can’t get in for 6 months. She asked me if I’ll do that for homework? OK. To call and see how long it takes and if she is speaking anywhere. OK, I will. She wrote both of these down on her sheet about me. And we decided to try her – not the guy – because she seems to be the expert. And she thought I’d be more comfortable with a woman about this. Yes.
So in other words I really need to go to the doctor and see if there’s anything to help me. This problem stops me from doing other things. I told her how I would love for it to be gone. She knows. I said what happened those 4 times didn’t happen again and it was when I was standing up. So maybe it had to do with pressure. I only went a little, it wasn’t a lot, and I did go to the bathroom after. I went pretty much. So maybe I had to go and just didn’t feel it. She commented how this is something new happening. Yes. She alluded more reason to get things checked out. Things happen when we get older but not like this.
Then I told her about my cousin calling last night that she’s in the ER with her daughter and how she’ll be admitted. She is bi-polar. She’s 26 years old, woke her Mom up in the middle of the night because she wanted to go to the gas station to get some food. I didn’t see much wrong with that – the going part. My kids would just go. But with her maybe it is strange behavior. She said it could be the start of something manic. But she was in the ER because she wanted to do the cutting. I feel for her.
Her Mom is so much like my Mom and I hate it. Sometimes I wish she would just let her be. She asked me how she’s like my Mom. Too smothering and protective of her and too much into her. She wrote all that down, too. I’m not her but I don’t want to see things happen to her like things that happened to me and I still struggle with even now. She said, no I’m not her. Thankfully I’m not bi-polar. And we agreed I can’t say anything to her Mom. She said I can show an example to her. I told her I was just there for her when she called because she needed me. What can I do? I asked my cousin. But my therapist said that we need to explore more of this Mom thing. I said how she loved me so much and she tried her best. We know, we just have to get into it. And she commented how she gave me that great extended family. Yeah! “Those voices,” she said again like she still has them in her head. We laughed.
So during this I needed to go to the bathroom again. I didn’t tell her that second but waited a few. I don’t know if she could tell or not. She asked me if I wanted to go. I told her I wanted to go walking again. I guess she forgot. She asked me if I wanted to do twice around. Yes. That’s when she asked me if I have time and I’m wondering if she knew I didn’t tell her right off the bat. But that is so insignificant and it wasn’t even that long. I told her yes I did so we left.
We walked out and her next older clients were in the waiting room. She told them it’ll be soon and then man commented like sure, a little sarcastic. After we left I told her their names are the same as my uncle who married my aunt who lived in Chicago. She said they must have been popular names from that era. Yes. We were walking outside and she told me we’ll do something a little different. I just listened and followed what she said. She said we’ll walk the circle in the opposite direction and we’ll do 2 smaller circles. That’s what we did. She did ask me first going out, “Are you doing OK?” “Yes.”
I don’t remember any conversation while we were walking the 2 smaller circles in reverse direction. I like it when she talks and I can listen to something. But I didn’t talk because I was concentrating so much on not going to the bathroom and not getting scared. I do remember at the beginning of the walking realizing that again we have no extra clothes with us. She said yes and that would be even more encouragement for me to do this. She may have said something about going around the second time, just mentioning what we were doing, but that’s all. After both smaller circles we went inside, her first this time. She told me she would wait for me there while I went. It was at the break in those stairs, by the back door. OK, I told her and I went.
I slipped in this time with no one from that office seeing me. I went, came back out to that landing and we walked up the half to the landing. Then she asked me how I did as we started to walk back. Good! That was great. She told me someone came by and asked her if she knew where Mr. Z’s office was. She said how she was just standing there waiting. I asked her if she knew who he was. No. She may have asked me if I did. No. So we thought maybe a CPA.
We went back in, her first, this time. She didn’t say anything to her next clients this time. When we got back into her office and sat down I told her I knew I could do it. I pointed out how it’s good to keep doing this to keep being able to do it. She just smiled and only commented I can do it again later on, and later on and such to keep practicing. She meant by myself and I told her I don’t do this by myself. I do, but not all the time, wait as long as I can. She then changed the subject back to what we were talking about my cousin. Nothing else to say I guess. Who’s more tired of this her or I? Both I’m sure.
So after we finished that I told her I wanted to talk about something else that I know we won’t have enough time about it as well. About me getting a job. She nodded. How I looked and it’s either not part time, not the right hours, too far away, something I wouldn’t do. It’s really hard. And, like I found before when I did this, companies are sometimes not really looking. They just want resumes. The best way is word of mouth. She said to start telling people. I said I have been but I don’t go out enough or know enough people to do that.
And, I don’t even know if I’ll make enough to cover the amount we take from our second each month. I don’t think so. I need to get a job or we really have to scale down and move. And I love to travel and you can’t start a job and have to take weeks off here and there. You never know how long you are going to live so you need to do the things you like and can now. She nodded. Once she said about dying and added “you will”. Kind of a scary to think about now. But, on the other hand I continued, if someone gave me a job now that I loved I’d take it in a second. I also at one point said about getting a job at some store – they’re always looking to hire but it’s nights & weekends too and I don’t want that. She said I’d have to be careful I’d be able to get to the bathroom frequently.
And my husband is no help. She said often people in IT aren’t. They don’t know how because they don’t know how to fix it. I then asked her if people our age start scaling down their things. Yes. I’m to the point now I like and want everything I have. I have things for my kids. My son doesn’t want it all but my daughter does – later when she has the room. I have her stuff now, too. I teased my son about not wanting everything. My other son I can’t ask. I’ve been saving for them as part of their lives. I try to go through things but I just don’t know. I know what’s important to me but maybe not them – it wouldn’t be. She said to separate what’s important to them. I said how organized it all is already.
Then I said about hoarders on these shows. They have stuff everywhere and people come in to go through what to keep, donate and such. They are really upset and cry during this. For my son to move in we had to clean out the annex. I had lots of bags for my packing. I went through them this weekend and got 3 huge bagfuls to take to the grocery store recycling. I had trouble with that. Bags from places. And those are just bags – bags, not real stuff. She said what a good point that is and we need to explore this more. I asked her if I should continue going through things to get rid of them. Yes. Maybe she’s going through the same thing that she was so sure. It would be nice for her to share more I’ve always said. I don’t feel so all alone when I hear similar stories or people going through the same things I am.
She commented how the job thing, many of my issues all stem together into one. We need to work on this. I said about my loneliness, too. Yes. She said we need to work on this and Mom stuff. But we both know time is up for today and everything is a slow process (she said that earlier when it came to walking around outside again and again and being successful). Lots to work on she told me. I said about going around and around in a circle – round and round. Yes. So we ended and she reminded me about my homework. Calling that doctor’s office to see how long the wait is and if she speaks somewhere. She made sure she specified both. I made a comment like, oh she remembered. “Yes, I did,” she told me like she really wants me to do it. I said I would.
I left and in the hallway was the blond younger therapist and the older lady (they must know each other) talking. I looked inside the massage therapist’s room and she wasn’t’ there. I asked the lady and she said she wasn’t there for her either. My therapist came out and filled her coffee cup with water and saw me. I told her she wasn’t there and not for that lady either. I told her I’ll call her. So I went out to the waiting room, called, my therapist came out to get the man and they went in. I didn’t get the massage therapist but left a message. She later called me and said she messed up. She thought it was at 3 PM and even asked my therapist who told her I’ve already came and went. So she suggested 20 minutes on the table on Thursday. I said that would be good but oiy … I think to myself I’m not so sure. Something else to talk about with my therapist. I hate this problem … every day! All the time! Go away! Go far, far away!
We left right away. We talked a little about the weather how nice it is now. She said spring is finally here. Yes! I said how it’s supposed to rain the rest of the week, though. We got down the first flight of stairs and before we got outside she asked me which bathroom I was going to use: downstairs or upstairs or upstairs in her suite. I told her I didn’t know – we’ll see how it goes. She said it’s good to have a plan.
We walked outside and started walking around the circle. She suggested to go look and see if any food was left from the last exposure we did last week. I told her yes, that’s a good idea because I was curious, too. Sometimes I go back later and look but I didn’t last time. We went over there, looked and we both saw nothing was there. She said, continuing walking and not stopping, that the animals must have gotten it. Yes. I’m guessing she kept walking not to waist any time for me. She asked me if I got to do things outdoors this weekend. Yes and I asked her if she did. Yes. We were about to go on further with the circle and I said, “I’m scared. Let’s go back.” So we did.
Walking back she asked me where I want to go to the bathroom. I told her downstairs and mentioned I just got scared. She said it’s good I trust my instincts. I think I walked in the building first and we walked down the short flight of stairs. She told me she’d wait for me there at the bottom of those stairs while I go. I did, had to go in front on the red headed girl on the phone, in that office, who glanced at me and smiled. After I came back out. I told her I did fine. “Yes!” and she gestured with her thumbs up. We walked up the 2 sets of stairs. I told her about that guy commenting I don’t have a coat on today and I said about it raining. He told me I’m sweet but I won’t melt. But he may rust. She didn’t say much and we were inside her waiting room already. I think I went back to her office first.
She asked me how that was. I told her again how I got scared. She asked me at what point and what thoughts went through my mind. I thought and decided at the same point that I did the last time we did this last week. She said we were at that point in the circle and she was going to take me further but that’s when I said I wanted to go back so we didn’t. Yes. She wondered if I couldn’t do it any longer. No, I think I just got scared.
So at that point I told her about the walk at the park around the track area. She’s familiar. I described where everything was. I told her I had been drinking. We got towards the far end and I needed to go to the bathroom. I told my husband and decided to go over in the area where some equipment was. I was lucky – no one was around then. Then we went around again and I needed to go again at the same point. It takes about 15-20 minutes to go around so that’s about how long it was. We didn’t say but I know that’s not long between times but I had been drinking. We didn’t talk about it. My husband said about going to where the bathrooms were but no – I was afraid again – and did the same.
What if I was at the lake where my son went and he said it was really crowded? We used to go there almost every night before. I couldn’t have done that. She shook her head no. I think she said about planning something but I can’t remember what. I said again about it being I was scared. She said she was reading some stress book and it said something about dots you put under your skin of your hand and it tells your stress. “Like a mood ring!” I told her. Yes. That way you can see when you are getting stressed and do something about it. I told her let me know about it when she finds out more. She will. She also said about asking a doctor things – especially about telling them about the encephalitis which may play a big factor in this. I just smiled. She knows my hesitations. She referred to what I just brought in recently about the bladder contractions.
So I start talking about other things. I told her I was at the Mall the end of last week and saw a friend of mine who reads the whole thing. He always kisses me on the lips when I see him. I was about to get lunch and I asked him to join me and he did. It was very nice to be with him. She said it was good I asked him. I told her about it’s nice having my son with us. He comes over to be with us more than I had thought he would. Although last night he took off bowling after he was with us and didn’t tell me. And my youngest calling me 2X, didn’t get me, I called him back and left a message, no call back. He did call my other son and wanted the forecast in the park. He spends half the time there and at a friends, with a friend. He’s in the park now and that always scares me because I can’t reach him and who knows what else. She only listened.
Then I told her Friday my friend, daughter and I were doing this thing on Facebook with the third letter of our names describing each other. I started to say emerging for my friend but thought I better not. That doesn’t sound positive. But she is emerging doing new things. I can’t remember what I changed it to. But she said smart for me and my daughter first teased with yellow and then said young. I told her I didn’t know if I’m either of those. She asked me why because they are compliments. I guess I’m young. I look younger, act younger and such for my age. But the smart sometimes I don’t feel very smart. We started talking about looking for a job. She said I’ve been out of the loop and anyone would feel like that. But she told me I am smart. I can figure things out and solve problems easily and other things. I can’t remember how she put it but I think she was saying I do have a lot of “smart skill”. And when I was younger, she reminded me, I tested high. Right. She also said that we (people) are not the same (meaning being smart) different parts of the day. I said or with different people. Yes.
I told her I wanted to talk more about the job thing but I wanted to talk about something else first. OK. Then I said really something else, then that, then back to the job thing. I stumbled telling her I hate to have to talk about these things. I said how this weekend in about a 4-5 hours span of time it happened about 4 times. When I say that this really doesn’t happen to me. Maybe it does and I don’t realize it or it’s just more lately. It’s the stress incontinence. She said it happens to women in menopause.
I told her I just started to go to the bathroom without feeling it – suddenly. I asked if that happens to people, if that happens to her. She mostly focused on other people and said it usually happens when coughing or sneezing or laughing like me with the Laughter Yoga. But not like this without warning. She asked if maybe I have a urinary tract infection. No. I think the other does happen to her. She very much stressed again about seeing a specialist. She told me it’s really time to do that. We talked about the exposures how they are really good for the throwing up but may not be as effective for this. I told her they are. To stay calm, be around others (when we go next door) and just around her when we do them here. She said we need to do other things including that light bar. I said that’s OK we can do both kind of teasing about that light bar because she know how I’m not crazy about it.
She continued on about the doctor. Her rep client said there’s new procedures they can do – inserts, small operations. I reminded her I’ve been to a doctor. She asked me about who I saw, when and what happened. It was in ’01 and I remember having cat scans. They found a cyst on one kidney and then repeated it and it was the other so someone was confused. Then maybe it wasn’t there. I can’t remember – it was dropped. I took medicine and it didn’t help. They did an ultra sound (nothing – just there in the office) to see if I was emptying my bladder OK – I was. I was pushed into going. She wanted to know by whom. That old friend of mine who’s sister died that was my best friend. She acted like she may be doing a little pushing now. She wanted to know if that person found the doctor for me. Yes.
Then a long, long time ago I went and they filled up my bladder and it gave me a urinary tract infection. She said I had some bad experiences but maybe not the same now. She said she saw her oncologist one day and the next day she started chemotherapy. Just think what could have happened if she waited. It’s best to get on top of this right away. Maybe there’s some medicine to help that part of the brain that could be from the encephalitis. That this doctor is so busy that maybe I can’t get in for 6 months. She asked me if I’ll do that for homework? OK. To call and see how long it takes and if she is speaking anywhere. OK, I will. She wrote both of these down on her sheet about me. And we decided to try her – not the guy – because she seems to be the expert. And she thought I’d be more comfortable with a woman about this. Yes.
So in other words I really need to go to the doctor and see if there’s anything to help me. This problem stops me from doing other things. I told her how I would love for it to be gone. She knows. I said what happened those 4 times didn’t happen again and it was when I was standing up. So maybe it had to do with pressure. I only went a little, it wasn’t a lot, and I did go to the bathroom after. I went pretty much. So maybe I had to go and just didn’t feel it. She commented how this is something new happening. Yes. She alluded more reason to get things checked out. Things happen when we get older but not like this.
Then I told her about my cousin calling last night that she’s in the ER with her daughter and how she’ll be admitted. She is bi-polar. She’s 26 years old, woke her Mom up in the middle of the night because she wanted to go to the gas station to get some food. I didn’t see much wrong with that – the going part. My kids would just go. But with her maybe it is strange behavior. She said it could be the start of something manic. But she was in the ER because she wanted to do the cutting. I feel for her.
Her Mom is so much like my Mom and I hate it. Sometimes I wish she would just let her be. She asked me how she’s like my Mom. Too smothering and protective of her and too much into her. She wrote all that down, too. I’m not her but I don’t want to see things happen to her like things that happened to me and I still struggle with even now. She said, no I’m not her. Thankfully I’m not bi-polar. And we agreed I can’t say anything to her Mom. She said I can show an example to her. I told her I was just there for her when she called because she needed me. What can I do? I asked my cousin. But my therapist said that we need to explore more of this Mom thing. I said how she loved me so much and she tried her best. We know, we just have to get into it. And she commented how she gave me that great extended family. Yeah! “Those voices,” she said again like she still has them in her head. We laughed.
So during this I needed to go to the bathroom again. I didn’t tell her that second but waited a few. I don’t know if she could tell or not. She asked me if I wanted to go. I told her I wanted to go walking again. I guess she forgot. She asked me if I wanted to do twice around. Yes. That’s when she asked me if I have time and I’m wondering if she knew I didn’t tell her right off the bat. But that is so insignificant and it wasn’t even that long. I told her yes I did so we left.
We walked out and her next older clients were in the waiting room. She told them it’ll be soon and then man commented like sure, a little sarcastic. After we left I told her their names are the same as my uncle who married my aunt who lived in Chicago. She said they must have been popular names from that era. Yes. We were walking outside and she told me we’ll do something a little different. I just listened and followed what she said. She said we’ll walk the circle in the opposite direction and we’ll do 2 smaller circles. That’s what we did. She did ask me first going out, “Are you doing OK?” “Yes.”
I don’t remember any conversation while we were walking the 2 smaller circles in reverse direction. I like it when she talks and I can listen to something. But I didn’t talk because I was concentrating so much on not going to the bathroom and not getting scared. I do remember at the beginning of the walking realizing that again we have no extra clothes with us. She said yes and that would be even more encouragement for me to do this. She may have said something about going around the second time, just mentioning what we were doing, but that’s all. After both smaller circles we went inside, her first this time. She told me she would wait for me there while I went. It was at the break in those stairs, by the back door. OK, I told her and I went.
I slipped in this time with no one from that office seeing me. I went, came back out to that landing and we walked up the half to the landing. Then she asked me how I did as we started to walk back. Good! That was great. She told me someone came by and asked her if she knew where Mr. Z’s office was. She said how she was just standing there waiting. I asked her if she knew who he was. No. She may have asked me if I did. No. So we thought maybe a CPA.
We went back in, her first, this time. She didn’t say anything to her next clients this time. When we got back into her office and sat down I told her I knew I could do it. I pointed out how it’s good to keep doing this to keep being able to do it. She just smiled and only commented I can do it again later on, and later on and such to keep practicing. She meant by myself and I told her I don’t do this by myself. I do, but not all the time, wait as long as I can. She then changed the subject back to what we were talking about my cousin. Nothing else to say I guess. Who’s more tired of this her or I? Both I’m sure.
So after we finished that I told her I wanted to talk about something else that I know we won’t have enough time about it as well. About me getting a job. She nodded. How I looked and it’s either not part time, not the right hours, too far away, something I wouldn’t do. It’s really hard. And, like I found before when I did this, companies are sometimes not really looking. They just want resumes. The best way is word of mouth. She said to start telling people. I said I have been but I don’t go out enough or know enough people to do that.
And, I don’t even know if I’ll make enough to cover the amount we take from our second each month. I don’t think so. I need to get a job or we really have to scale down and move. And I love to travel and you can’t start a job and have to take weeks off here and there. You never know how long you are going to live so you need to do the things you like and can now. She nodded. Once she said about dying and added “you will”. Kind of a scary to think about now. But, on the other hand I continued, if someone gave me a job now that I loved I’d take it in a second. I also at one point said about getting a job at some store – they’re always looking to hire but it’s nights & weekends too and I don’t want that. She said I’d have to be careful I’d be able to get to the bathroom frequently.
And my husband is no help. She said often people in IT aren’t. They don’t know how because they don’t know how to fix it. I then asked her if people our age start scaling down their things. Yes. I’m to the point now I like and want everything I have. I have things for my kids. My son doesn’t want it all but my daughter does – later when she has the room. I have her stuff now, too. I teased my son about not wanting everything. My other son I can’t ask. I’ve been saving for them as part of their lives. I try to go through things but I just don’t know. I know what’s important to me but maybe not them – it wouldn’t be. She said to separate what’s important to them. I said how organized it all is already.
Then I said about hoarders on these shows. They have stuff everywhere and people come in to go through what to keep, donate and such. They are really upset and cry during this. For my son to move in we had to clean out the annex. I had lots of bags for my packing. I went through them this weekend and got 3 huge bagfuls to take to the grocery store recycling. I had trouble with that. Bags from places. And those are just bags – bags, not real stuff. She said what a good point that is and we need to explore this more. I asked her if I should continue going through things to get rid of them. Yes. Maybe she’s going through the same thing that she was so sure. It would be nice for her to share more I’ve always said. I don’t feel so all alone when I hear similar stories or people going through the same things I am.
She commented how the job thing, many of my issues all stem together into one. We need to work on this. I said about my loneliness, too. Yes. She said we need to work on this and Mom stuff. But we both know time is up for today and everything is a slow process (she said that earlier when it came to walking around outside again and again and being successful). Lots to work on she told me. I said about going around and around in a circle – round and round. Yes. So we ended and she reminded me about my homework. Calling that doctor’s office to see how long the wait is and if she speaks somewhere. She made sure she specified both. I made a comment like, oh she remembered. “Yes, I did,” she told me like she really wants me to do it. I said I would.
I left and in the hallway was the blond younger therapist and the older lady (they must know each other) talking. I looked inside the massage therapist’s room and she wasn’t’ there. I asked the lady and she said she wasn’t there for her either. My therapist came out and filled her coffee cup with water and saw me. I told her she wasn’t there and not for that lady either. I told her I’ll call her. So I went out to the waiting room, called, my therapist came out to get the man and they went in. I didn’t get the massage therapist but left a message. She later called me and said she messed up. She thought it was at 3 PM and even asked my therapist who told her I’ve already came and went. So she suggested 20 minutes on the table on Thursday. I said that would be good but oiy … I think to myself I’m not so sure. Something else to talk about with my therapist. I hate this problem … every day! All the time! Go away! Go far, far away!
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