Mixed Bag Lots Of Things
I came in and told her there’s lots going on. First about my son who I talked to about an hour Monday night about me going out there. Oh – my neighbor who I grew up with – like my brother called me for my birthday. We call each other on our birthdays. We talked 2 hours! She acted like that was great. I didn’t say but it was too long. Anyway my son just called while I was in class today and he left me a message. I played it for her. It was he’s up there, it’s beautiful, he’s ready to get his housing and I should look for flights. I really want to drive but not by myself and I don’t know about anyone going with me. I told her she can – half joking. “I can’t,” she told me shaking her head. I just went on.
I told her in my message back to my son I said in order to get a good airline price you need to do it about 10 days in advance. But he hasn’t called me back and we talked later today about what I should do. I did tell her we may need some extra sessions before I go because I don’t think I can talk about everything in 2 sessions or whatever it will be. And we stopped doing this for some reason. I’d like to walk next door, walk around and back. Like now when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I’m not ready to buy anything yet. So we decided to go right away and I told her I’ll talk about other things along the way.
So we left. Walking out of the waiting area I told her she has new neighbors. Yes, she knew an adoption agency. I told her I heard babies. She was surprised. I said I peeped in and saw a blanket on the ground. So on the way over there I told her about my daughter and her test results. Acid reflux, fat in her liver and her bile ducts are dilated to an 8 when it’s supposed to be a 4. They are going to try medicine first and she has to have a colonoscopy next week. If it doesn’t work she has to have a procedure that could be dangerous. She might be in after a few hours, 4 days or 4 weeks. It could give her pancreatitis. But they hope not to have to do this.
We were inside the store during this conversation. We walked back to the isles. I thought we were going to go down one but she turned around and said we should go back now. Don’t know why so fast. I guess she wanted this to be successful. Me, too. She said we’ll look at the front bakery counter. We did and then we left. I told her that was good. And even when we got back into her office I said that and she told me I seemed relaxed. I said how it was good that we went to the bakery counter because that’s where we usually go.
On the way back I told her about my daughter’s ex wanting to take her back to court for more custody. How he says he got 8,000 back from taxes. I don’t know how because he was supposedly not working. He’s going to use 5,000 for a lawyer. She asked about paying for the back child support. I told her he’s supposed to. I guessed the 3,000. I was telling her about when he saw him last and such but we were walking in and I stopped talking. We had past my massage therapist both times and I guess she noticed. She said she came too early (it was supposed to be an hour later than usual) and saw all the doors closed. She said she made phone calls while she waited for me.
So I finished when we got back into her office. Oh, we passed a moving guy outside coming in who he & I exchanged hi’s. I told her I saw him coming in and he commented my hair was pretty. She said that was nice. OK, getting back - but what I want to say is I seem to notice that when I tell her things when we are walking it’s like she doesn’t hear them or concentrate on what I’m saying verses when I tell her sitting face to face. She doesn’t say much either. I don’t like this. It’s just as important and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge it as well.
I told her how she suggested my grandson to see his Dad only once a month like the divorce papers say. He saw him in August after the new baby was born, he got mad and didn’t ask to see him again or call until Christmas. Then not again until Easter for one day. He says he calls and my daughter hangs up on him and that’s a lie. He lied and said he didn’t hang up on his son when he called. He’s the kind of person who wants revenge and I always get scared because some go off and kill whole families. I don’t trust him. She nodded like she understood. So my son’s dogs were over, we took them to his place they were barking so we took them back and called him. We wanted to know when he’ll be home so we can lock up.
She said, in her defense (which wasn’t needed but I guess she thought she had to) she suggested that to them but they have to do what they felt was best. Surprised she shared that with me. Usually she says very emphatically says she can’t say what they talk about. I did tell her that I listen to my daughter for a half hour, 45 minutes, an hour over & over again. I try to help her and give her advise. But one sentence about me and she doesn’t listen at all. It really hurts. I always try my best to listen to others. I think she just nodded and didn’t say much about that.
I then told her how Monday night Ashley was throwing up a lot. And I was with her a lot the day before. She’s like a magnet to me. I’m really scared. Her Mom was in the middle of a move and wanted them to take her an extra day. I told her Dad it’s a good thing she didn’t because of her throwing up. He knew and said my daughter said not to tell me. I got after her (although it was after she woke up from her test) about not hiding from me. I don’t know how she is now. It was on her Mom’s Facebook and she hasn’t posted since. I figure if I don’t get anything by tomorrow I’m OK – I hope. My therapist told me I’m facing a lot of fears lately – or this year. Yes and another and I’ll tell her in a bit.
I went on to say that the computer classes are going great. I’ve made a friend with someone and talked to someone else who is a brother to one of my physical therapists when I went. I’m more advanced and help this person a lot and the instructor comes back to check and says she doesn’t know why she’s coming back there. I come a few minutes early because I want to get my place right back by the door. I went out and found a book (motioned to it and pictures I brought in a bag I hope to get to later). One night my travel agent was there and she asked me what I’m doing hiding in the back. She doesn’t know! But she came back to sit next to me.
Once we were doing Excel (she’s not familiar with it) and she gave us this long and hard complicated problem. It’s with formulas and translations. She told us we can’t go to break until we have it right. Luckily I got it right but I was prepared to tell her if I didn’t that I was going to take my break first and then come back and work on it. She said, yes, I’m an adult. I can do that. I’m not getting a grade or credit for the class anyway. But she understood how I felt to be told that. I told her how I really like the instructor – she makes it fun and you really get to know personalities, too.
OK … I turned over the little piece of paper I was glancing at with my notes that I had been talking about. I told her I got my test results back from my OB. I read to her what I have. I have a small cyst on my right ovary. She wrote it down on her paper about me. It can happen within 2 weeks of my last period. He wants me to call as soon as I get my next period. 2 times I’ve skipped a month. But I spotted a little today. I think he wants to repeat the ultrasound. He’s not in tomorrow and I’ll either just spot or get my period fully. Also my fibroid tumors grew a little from last time and from the time before but he said not significantly. But they did grow. And he talks between patients so it wasn’t the same as in person in his office. She totally understood that. So I wasn’t sure what to do.
She thought to wait and call on Monday. I said again how he’s not in tomorrow and if I get it on the weekend to call Monday. I knew I would have to go to the bathroom in a few minutes so I said I’d check then to see how it’s doing and then decide. We talked a little more and then I went to the bathroom. First time I didn’t have to go bad, or really go at all, and try to wait. Different.
I told her that this is good practice for me to try to not jump the gun and worry like I normally do I am worried but I can't over do it. She totally agreed. She told me she has a handout to give me about managing anxiety. That's when I told her I was going to go to the bathroom and she said she'd get it for me while I was gone. I went, came back and she handed it to me. It was 7 pages stapled together in 2 sets: The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques by Margaret Wehrenberg.
I came back and I decided to call and ask the person who answers. It’s still that little bit of spotting. I asked to use her phone and if it was OK to put it on speakerphone. She said for this it’s OK. She got her phone, turned it on and gave it to me. I turned it off and then back on again with the speaker phone. I explained it to the girl and she asked if I wanted to talk to him now because he’s not in tomorrow. So I said yes. We waited and waited. Once I even commented that that’s how he is. He spends all the time needed with his patients. She said that’s very good.
While we were waiting I just put the phone on my lap and we went on. First I showed her the 3 packs of pictures I had. The first pack I wasn’t sure if she saw already. It was of the kids on the horses, the holidays and such. Yes, she thought so. So we just skimmed those very quickly only really glancing at a few.
Then was the pack with my husband and I taking her little day trip. I showed her where we were when I needed to go to the bathroom and it was on that road in front of us. Nothing else but I’m hoping she remember what happened when that truck pulled in and I had to wait to go and then I did. Then I showed her pictures of my grandson’s musical. I asked her if she knew the other therapist’s daughter was in his class (well I don’t know about class but grade) because she was there. I didn’t say hi – I just saw her. Was it the same as when she knew about seeing my daughter’s boyfriend and she didn’t tell me? She said no she didn’t know. She asked me if I know that therapist. No, just from in here and reminded her of the first time my granddaughter saw her blonde hair and thought she was me (her Nana). She remembered. She said this is different because that therapist is not a client of hers.
The next pack was my birthday. I had said earlier that I wanted to point a few things out with all these pictures. I went pretty fast with them all and we didn’t see every one. Many I just skimmed over. First was my birthday in the park. I showed her quickly most of those. Then my son’s girlfriend eating pizza at our house. Then the presents and cake I skimmed over those very quickly not showing them all to her. I pointed out the last one with me and my grandson. And at the park how many with me and my granddaughter just right there very close to me. The one with my daughter and I was cute and I said it was her idea like that. And I do see the resemblance. She agreed. I said she doesn’t look all like my husband. And how close my grandson is with my son. And all of us hugging the tree individually. She thought they were very nice.
When we got to a part of the park pictures she recognized the game of “Spud” right away and said it. Right! I also told her I need a reality check on something – again. I showed her the full length picture of me and my son, daughter and grandson. I sometimes feel fat. But I look at this and see how skinny I am. But I don’t know if it’s because I’m next to my daughter, who is real heavy, and my son who is a little but not skinny. Or maybe my clothes. She said I am skinny. I can’t afford to loose weight and pictures tend to put on pounds.
She asked me what I see. I said that I’m skinny. I questioned if I’m that skinny? Yes. But what about my belly. Is it bad? She said no, it’s just a little. She said I have an explanation about it from the doctor now. Yes. Is there anything I can do about it? No. She said to watch what I wear so it doesn’t show or when I wear something really clingy to wear one of those push in things. She couldn’t think of the name but said like my bike shorts which would be good for my other problem. I smiled. And not to focus on it. She said to put that picture up somewhere so I can look at it. Like a reality check I guess. She said I can’t say anything to my daughter because of how heavy she is and pointed out her belly. I looked like maybe I have. She said no because it will create a barrier between us. I said how maybe I think she’s a little jealous because she’s my daughter and doesn’t look like me.
So we were done with the pictures. She moved back and asked if that was the last packet before moving. Yes. I also notice earlier when I mentioned about the book she looked inside my bag, which the opening was facing her, to see what else was in there. She didn’t say anything. So now I got the book out to read parts of it. She thought that was great I found it. I told her it was just sitting there on the shelf. After she asked me if I’m going to let anyone in my family know I’m reading it. Then she said how my husband already knows about my problem. I told her I checked it this morning and I put it upside down under my packet of materials during class. When I left to go home for lunch I quickly got out of there so no one would see. I didn’t get to answer the rest of the question about anyone else. I opened it up and started reading. It’s called “Overcoming Urinary Incontinence”.
I had pieces of paper where I had marked. First I read how many times a woman urinates during a 24 hour period. 5 – 8 times – once every 2 to 5 hours. The stream should last about 10 seconds and be about 10 – 15 ounces. The average bladder can hold 20 ounces. Drink before you feel thirsty. She asked how much I go. I said about 2 or 4 but I can do 6 or 8 if I’m drinking a lot. She nodded. I find that when I’m not drinking very much it’s less because it’s more concentrated. So that’s when it’s about 2 and maybe 4 when I’m drinking normally. She just listened. She did ask me later if the doctor told me anything about how much to drink. No. But I know it’s important to drink. She nodded.
Then I read the part about going to the bathroom just in case. I think doing this what I’ve been doing I’m doing that a lot and it’s not good. But we know it’s just a start to this. I read that doing this you can be headed for bladder trouble. It talked about millions of women doing this and when: leaving the house, not sure when you’ll find another public restroom. It’s training your bladder to empty when it’s not full. You get the signal when it hasn’t reached it’s capacity. It will increase chances of developing frequency, urgency and even incontinence. Going more frequently than you need to can lead to a gradual decrease in the amount you can comfortably hold.
Then I found a part about neurologic and I was happy because I thought that was part of what causes mine. But it talked about reflexes and that’s exactly what she did. Test my reflexes and that was fine.
Then there was a section on bladder training which is what I’m doing. One I’m doing and one I’m not really but I’m wondering if I can do them in conjunction. First is the timed voiding which is what I’m doing. Starting at half hour, 45 minutes or an hour and increasing by 15 minutes every week. You go whether you feel the urge or not. Do this until you are going once every 2 – 4 hours. Use techniques to avoid leakage like deep breathing and distracting yourself. If you have trouble with the increase stay at the previous week’s schedule and try again. I told her that I’m not drinking very much and it’s easy. It’s nice because it’s easy. Maybe once or twice a day I have to go before that. She said to stay with that for this week but next week try to do it with drinking more.
The other part is when you have to go to hold off and gradually increase the time you wait. One week try 5 minutes and the next 10 minutes and increase until you are going once every 2 – 4 hours. I told her that maybe I should do that starting at 5 minutes and then increasing just one minute at a time. I forget to ask her how long but I know I usually ask and she tells me 5 minutes. I think I’m waiting a couple minutes after that. She told me I usually wait between 5 and 7 minutes. I smiled happily and remembered once I waited 11 minutes! Yeah!
I went on reading and it says it will be difficult at first so begin it at home where I have access to a bathroom and a change of clothes if necessary. In public places there may be lines (I nodded – she knows we’ve talked about that) so to factor that in. Also using techniques while you wait like taking slow deep breathes until the urge passes. I commented that mine doesn’t pass. She smiled. Also crossing your legs and distracting yourself with an activity. Something about emptying your bladder completely to reduce likelihoods of accidents. So during most of this she just listened. She did say, when I said about combining the two, that doing what I’m doing with the timed voiding than that will hopefully lead to being able to hold it longer like the other type. I asked if I’m doing an hour if I should try to do that holding longer to increase it. Yes.
Then I remembered something about psychological. She said that’s good they put that in there while I tried to find it. I took me a while and we were still waiting for my OB to come on the line. I commented about him hurrying because I knew our time was going to be over soon. I think it was 5 minutes till the hour. I finally found it and read. Oh, while I was looking I came across about muscles being weak but just mentioned it and didn’t go into it. Also about being overweight. She said that’s not me. And earlier I said how it said to keep a diary. She asked how often – every day? But then she said that would be too much. I said yes, that’s really hard. You have to do measurements, too. She said it would be a good idea to do it every once in a while to see how I’m progressing. Right.
OK … I found it. Psychiatric disorders. It said that psychological problems don’t directly cause incontinence however they may indirectly have an effect on bladder control. If you suffer from depression you may not feel like participating in your normal activities and may increase fluid retention which may cause problems. Depression may cause overeating and obesity (we know not me) and put more pressure on the bladder. Anxiety and emotional stress increases bladder activity (I nodded and she very well knows this one, too) contributing to urge sensations and sometimes incontinence. I said how we know that. Then it talked about seeking help and being on medicines like Lithium which is like a diuretic.
So we were done with the book. Not much talking or commenting on her part – just listening to my reading. I do know that I said those words like urinary and incontinence and such freely. In the past it was hard to even say them. I didn’t like it – saying them – but I did even feeling weird about it. I didn’t say a word about how I felt about any of this. She did say how much I’ve done for this problem instead of just sitting on it. I’ve gone to the doctor, trying this bladder training, taking the computer classes, got this book and such. I said yes but I want something to work. I can’t remember what she said to that but I’m guessing that I have to give them all a chance and see what happens.
I think time was up about now and the doctor still hadn’t come to the phone. We talked more about my trip and what to do. I told her if you rent a car it doesn’t go by mileage and if it’s a week it’s about the same cost (I think I said this second part). I’m not sure where to fly back from – up north or take the car back south. She said it costs more to return it in a different location. I told her I knew that. I can fly in south and see my aunt first. I asked her airports up north and she told me 3 of them. I asked her what she uses. She said any of them – which ever is cheaper.
Then we talked about me going down the beautiful highway back. She says it’s gorgeous and thinks it would be good for me for my alone time. Taking the trip out there for 3 days alone might be too much and this wouldn’t. I could stop and spend the night somewhere if I want. I can see the sights. She mentioned some. I said I’ve always been with people and I guessed people do that alone. She nodded they did.
I said how I told my son I don’t just want to go out there and help him move. I want to do fun stuff too. But he’s a hands on person and I like to see. She said to let him do that (hiking and stuff) and I can do my thing. I said I’d like to go across that famous bridge (I’m sure she has many times) and told her I might need her to tell me what to do in that big city since she knows. In ending this she told me that’s what she thinks I should do but I’ll do what’s best for me.
She told me there are some dates in May we have to talk about. She got out her calendar. Monday the 3rd it sounded like she won’t be in the office in the morning so she put me down for 3:00. Then the week of the 17th she’ll be out of town. Where? In that far away state. “The whole week?” I grumbled. She said yes and acted like no big deal. Well .. no big deal for her but not for me. But I didn’t say. I did laugh and say if I go later we may be out there at the same time. She smiled.
It was five after by now. I was still holding for my doctor. What do I do? She said I’ll need to hang up and call back on my cell phone. Tell them I had to change phones. I said how they close at 4:30 (which was soon) and I really wanted her to hear. She shook her head no like she couldn’t anymore. She rarely says no to me. She did twice today. It doesn’t feel good. To me almost like she doesn’t care. So I left and she told me to have a nice weekend.
I went into my massage therapist who was waiting for me. I told her I have to make a phone call. I told her about the cyst and my period and such. I said my age and how I’m not supposed to be getting them any more but commented well, if it keeps me young. She said that’s right. So I called on speaker phone from my cell. They said he’s right there and will get my phone call in a second. He came to the phone.
I told him he was right. I got my period but maybe – just spotting. He said to call Monday and see what happened. I noted to him that I wasn’t able to do the ultrasound on a full bladder. Did that matter? He said that I can only try my best. I asked if I had to drink and do it again. He said yes and repeated to try and just do my best. He said I’d probably have the ultrasound on Thursday. So I hung up. I told my massage therapist I wanted to see if my therapist was available to let her know. Sure.
I went back there and the door was open. I called her name as I approached. She was standing and turned around. Looked like she was munching on something. I told her he answered right after and told her what he said. She listened. I also said, “I had to say it in front of her.” She just nodded and smiled. No conversation and she knows how I feel about telling others and wanting to keep things from my massage therapist. I wish we could have talked more about things but I guess it’s out of that one hour box she sometimes does. It’s almost like she dismisses things. Or maybe she’s tired of things. Well so am I! But I have to live with it and she doesn’t! And I need to deal with it and not not talk about it. She really could have waited with me for him to answer. She didn’t have anyone after me and she left just before I finished with my 10 minute massage (it was about 4:25 PM). OK … so that’s all for today. I feel some weird distance with her again. Something – I know.
I told her in my message back to my son I said in order to get a good airline price you need to do it about 10 days in advance. But he hasn’t called me back and we talked later today about what I should do. I did tell her we may need some extra sessions before I go because I don’t think I can talk about everything in 2 sessions or whatever it will be. And we stopped doing this for some reason. I’d like to walk next door, walk around and back. Like now when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I’m not ready to buy anything yet. So we decided to go right away and I told her I’ll talk about other things along the way.
So we left. Walking out of the waiting area I told her she has new neighbors. Yes, she knew an adoption agency. I told her I heard babies. She was surprised. I said I peeped in and saw a blanket on the ground. So on the way over there I told her about my daughter and her test results. Acid reflux, fat in her liver and her bile ducts are dilated to an 8 when it’s supposed to be a 4. They are going to try medicine first and she has to have a colonoscopy next week. If it doesn’t work she has to have a procedure that could be dangerous. She might be in after a few hours, 4 days or 4 weeks. It could give her pancreatitis. But they hope not to have to do this.
We were inside the store during this conversation. We walked back to the isles. I thought we were going to go down one but she turned around and said we should go back now. Don’t know why so fast. I guess she wanted this to be successful. Me, too. She said we’ll look at the front bakery counter. We did and then we left. I told her that was good. And even when we got back into her office I said that and she told me I seemed relaxed. I said how it was good that we went to the bakery counter because that’s where we usually go.
On the way back I told her about my daughter’s ex wanting to take her back to court for more custody. How he says he got 8,000 back from taxes. I don’t know how because he was supposedly not working. He’s going to use 5,000 for a lawyer. She asked about paying for the back child support. I told her he’s supposed to. I guessed the 3,000. I was telling her about when he saw him last and such but we were walking in and I stopped talking. We had past my massage therapist both times and I guess she noticed. She said she came too early (it was supposed to be an hour later than usual) and saw all the doors closed. She said she made phone calls while she waited for me.
So I finished when we got back into her office. Oh, we passed a moving guy outside coming in who he & I exchanged hi’s. I told her I saw him coming in and he commented my hair was pretty. She said that was nice. OK, getting back - but what I want to say is I seem to notice that when I tell her things when we are walking it’s like she doesn’t hear them or concentrate on what I’m saying verses when I tell her sitting face to face. She doesn’t say much either. I don’t like this. It’s just as important and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge it as well.
I told her how she suggested my grandson to see his Dad only once a month like the divorce papers say. He saw him in August after the new baby was born, he got mad and didn’t ask to see him again or call until Christmas. Then not again until Easter for one day. He says he calls and my daughter hangs up on him and that’s a lie. He lied and said he didn’t hang up on his son when he called. He’s the kind of person who wants revenge and I always get scared because some go off and kill whole families. I don’t trust him. She nodded like she understood. So my son’s dogs were over, we took them to his place they were barking so we took them back and called him. We wanted to know when he’ll be home so we can lock up.
She said, in her defense (which wasn’t needed but I guess she thought she had to) she suggested that to them but they have to do what they felt was best. Surprised she shared that with me. Usually she says very emphatically says she can’t say what they talk about. I did tell her that I listen to my daughter for a half hour, 45 minutes, an hour over & over again. I try to help her and give her advise. But one sentence about me and she doesn’t listen at all. It really hurts. I always try my best to listen to others. I think she just nodded and didn’t say much about that.
I then told her how Monday night Ashley was throwing up a lot. And I was with her a lot the day before. She’s like a magnet to me. I’m really scared. Her Mom was in the middle of a move and wanted them to take her an extra day. I told her Dad it’s a good thing she didn’t because of her throwing up. He knew and said my daughter said not to tell me. I got after her (although it was after she woke up from her test) about not hiding from me. I don’t know how she is now. It was on her Mom’s Facebook and she hasn’t posted since. I figure if I don’t get anything by tomorrow I’m OK – I hope. My therapist told me I’m facing a lot of fears lately – or this year. Yes and another and I’ll tell her in a bit.
I went on to say that the computer classes are going great. I’ve made a friend with someone and talked to someone else who is a brother to one of my physical therapists when I went. I’m more advanced and help this person a lot and the instructor comes back to check and says she doesn’t know why she’s coming back there. I come a few minutes early because I want to get my place right back by the door. I went out and found a book (motioned to it and pictures I brought in a bag I hope to get to later). One night my travel agent was there and she asked me what I’m doing hiding in the back. She doesn’t know! But she came back to sit next to me.
Once we were doing Excel (she’s not familiar with it) and she gave us this long and hard complicated problem. It’s with formulas and translations. She told us we can’t go to break until we have it right. Luckily I got it right but I was prepared to tell her if I didn’t that I was going to take my break first and then come back and work on it. She said, yes, I’m an adult. I can do that. I’m not getting a grade or credit for the class anyway. But she understood how I felt to be told that. I told her how I really like the instructor – she makes it fun and you really get to know personalities, too.
OK … I turned over the little piece of paper I was glancing at with my notes that I had been talking about. I told her I got my test results back from my OB. I read to her what I have. I have a small cyst on my right ovary. She wrote it down on her paper about me. It can happen within 2 weeks of my last period. He wants me to call as soon as I get my next period. 2 times I’ve skipped a month. But I spotted a little today. I think he wants to repeat the ultrasound. He’s not in tomorrow and I’ll either just spot or get my period fully. Also my fibroid tumors grew a little from last time and from the time before but he said not significantly. But they did grow. And he talks between patients so it wasn’t the same as in person in his office. She totally understood that. So I wasn’t sure what to do.
She thought to wait and call on Monday. I said again how he’s not in tomorrow and if I get it on the weekend to call Monday. I knew I would have to go to the bathroom in a few minutes so I said I’d check then to see how it’s doing and then decide. We talked a little more and then I went to the bathroom. First time I didn’t have to go bad, or really go at all, and try to wait. Different.
I told her that this is good practice for me to try to not jump the gun and worry like I normally do I am worried but I can't over do it. She totally agreed. She told me she has a handout to give me about managing anxiety. That's when I told her I was going to go to the bathroom and she said she'd get it for me while I was gone. I went, came back and she handed it to me. It was 7 pages stapled together in 2 sets: The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques by Margaret Wehrenberg.
I came back and I decided to call and ask the person who answers. It’s still that little bit of spotting. I asked to use her phone and if it was OK to put it on speakerphone. She said for this it’s OK. She got her phone, turned it on and gave it to me. I turned it off and then back on again with the speaker phone. I explained it to the girl and she asked if I wanted to talk to him now because he’s not in tomorrow. So I said yes. We waited and waited. Once I even commented that that’s how he is. He spends all the time needed with his patients. She said that’s very good.
While we were waiting I just put the phone on my lap and we went on. First I showed her the 3 packs of pictures I had. The first pack I wasn’t sure if she saw already. It was of the kids on the horses, the holidays and such. Yes, she thought so. So we just skimmed those very quickly only really glancing at a few.
Then was the pack with my husband and I taking her little day trip. I showed her where we were when I needed to go to the bathroom and it was on that road in front of us. Nothing else but I’m hoping she remember what happened when that truck pulled in and I had to wait to go and then I did. Then I showed her pictures of my grandson’s musical. I asked her if she knew the other therapist’s daughter was in his class (well I don’t know about class but grade) because she was there. I didn’t say hi – I just saw her. Was it the same as when she knew about seeing my daughter’s boyfriend and she didn’t tell me? She said no she didn’t know. She asked me if I know that therapist. No, just from in here and reminded her of the first time my granddaughter saw her blonde hair and thought she was me (her Nana). She remembered. She said this is different because that therapist is not a client of hers.
The next pack was my birthday. I had said earlier that I wanted to point a few things out with all these pictures. I went pretty fast with them all and we didn’t see every one. Many I just skimmed over. First was my birthday in the park. I showed her quickly most of those. Then my son’s girlfriend eating pizza at our house. Then the presents and cake I skimmed over those very quickly not showing them all to her. I pointed out the last one with me and my grandson. And at the park how many with me and my granddaughter just right there very close to me. The one with my daughter and I was cute and I said it was her idea like that. And I do see the resemblance. She agreed. I said she doesn’t look all like my husband. And how close my grandson is with my son. And all of us hugging the tree individually. She thought they were very nice.
When we got to a part of the park pictures she recognized the game of “Spud” right away and said it. Right! I also told her I need a reality check on something – again. I showed her the full length picture of me and my son, daughter and grandson. I sometimes feel fat. But I look at this and see how skinny I am. But I don’t know if it’s because I’m next to my daughter, who is real heavy, and my son who is a little but not skinny. Or maybe my clothes. She said I am skinny. I can’t afford to loose weight and pictures tend to put on pounds.
She asked me what I see. I said that I’m skinny. I questioned if I’m that skinny? Yes. But what about my belly. Is it bad? She said no, it’s just a little. She said I have an explanation about it from the doctor now. Yes. Is there anything I can do about it? No. She said to watch what I wear so it doesn’t show or when I wear something really clingy to wear one of those push in things. She couldn’t think of the name but said like my bike shorts which would be good for my other problem. I smiled. And not to focus on it. She said to put that picture up somewhere so I can look at it. Like a reality check I guess. She said I can’t say anything to my daughter because of how heavy she is and pointed out her belly. I looked like maybe I have. She said no because it will create a barrier between us. I said how maybe I think she’s a little jealous because she’s my daughter and doesn’t look like me.
So we were done with the pictures. She moved back and asked if that was the last packet before moving. Yes. I also notice earlier when I mentioned about the book she looked inside my bag, which the opening was facing her, to see what else was in there. She didn’t say anything. So now I got the book out to read parts of it. She thought that was great I found it. I told her it was just sitting there on the shelf. After she asked me if I’m going to let anyone in my family know I’m reading it. Then she said how my husband already knows about my problem. I told her I checked it this morning and I put it upside down under my packet of materials during class. When I left to go home for lunch I quickly got out of there so no one would see. I didn’t get to answer the rest of the question about anyone else. I opened it up and started reading. It’s called “Overcoming Urinary Incontinence”.
I had pieces of paper where I had marked. First I read how many times a woman urinates during a 24 hour period. 5 – 8 times – once every 2 to 5 hours. The stream should last about 10 seconds and be about 10 – 15 ounces. The average bladder can hold 20 ounces. Drink before you feel thirsty. She asked how much I go. I said about 2 or 4 but I can do 6 or 8 if I’m drinking a lot. She nodded. I find that when I’m not drinking very much it’s less because it’s more concentrated. So that’s when it’s about 2 and maybe 4 when I’m drinking normally. She just listened. She did ask me later if the doctor told me anything about how much to drink. No. But I know it’s important to drink. She nodded.
Then I read the part about going to the bathroom just in case. I think doing this what I’ve been doing I’m doing that a lot and it’s not good. But we know it’s just a start to this. I read that doing this you can be headed for bladder trouble. It talked about millions of women doing this and when: leaving the house, not sure when you’ll find another public restroom. It’s training your bladder to empty when it’s not full. You get the signal when it hasn’t reached it’s capacity. It will increase chances of developing frequency, urgency and even incontinence. Going more frequently than you need to can lead to a gradual decrease in the amount you can comfortably hold.
Then I found a part about neurologic and I was happy because I thought that was part of what causes mine. But it talked about reflexes and that’s exactly what she did. Test my reflexes and that was fine.
Then there was a section on bladder training which is what I’m doing. One I’m doing and one I’m not really but I’m wondering if I can do them in conjunction. First is the timed voiding which is what I’m doing. Starting at half hour, 45 minutes or an hour and increasing by 15 minutes every week. You go whether you feel the urge or not. Do this until you are going once every 2 – 4 hours. Use techniques to avoid leakage like deep breathing and distracting yourself. If you have trouble with the increase stay at the previous week’s schedule and try again. I told her that I’m not drinking very much and it’s easy. It’s nice because it’s easy. Maybe once or twice a day I have to go before that. She said to stay with that for this week but next week try to do it with drinking more.
The other part is when you have to go to hold off and gradually increase the time you wait. One week try 5 minutes and the next 10 minutes and increase until you are going once every 2 – 4 hours. I told her that maybe I should do that starting at 5 minutes and then increasing just one minute at a time. I forget to ask her how long but I know I usually ask and she tells me 5 minutes. I think I’m waiting a couple minutes after that. She told me I usually wait between 5 and 7 minutes. I smiled happily and remembered once I waited 11 minutes! Yeah!
I went on reading and it says it will be difficult at first so begin it at home where I have access to a bathroom and a change of clothes if necessary. In public places there may be lines (I nodded – she knows we’ve talked about that) so to factor that in. Also using techniques while you wait like taking slow deep breathes until the urge passes. I commented that mine doesn’t pass. She smiled. Also crossing your legs and distracting yourself with an activity. Something about emptying your bladder completely to reduce likelihoods of accidents. So during most of this she just listened. She did say, when I said about combining the two, that doing what I’m doing with the timed voiding than that will hopefully lead to being able to hold it longer like the other type. I asked if I’m doing an hour if I should try to do that holding longer to increase it. Yes.
Then I remembered something about psychological. She said that’s good they put that in there while I tried to find it. I took me a while and we were still waiting for my OB to come on the line. I commented about him hurrying because I knew our time was going to be over soon. I think it was 5 minutes till the hour. I finally found it and read. Oh, while I was looking I came across about muscles being weak but just mentioned it and didn’t go into it. Also about being overweight. She said that’s not me. And earlier I said how it said to keep a diary. She asked how often – every day? But then she said that would be too much. I said yes, that’s really hard. You have to do measurements, too. She said it would be a good idea to do it every once in a while to see how I’m progressing. Right.
OK … I found it. Psychiatric disorders. It said that psychological problems don’t directly cause incontinence however they may indirectly have an effect on bladder control. If you suffer from depression you may not feel like participating in your normal activities and may increase fluid retention which may cause problems. Depression may cause overeating and obesity (we know not me) and put more pressure on the bladder. Anxiety and emotional stress increases bladder activity (I nodded and she very well knows this one, too) contributing to urge sensations and sometimes incontinence. I said how we know that. Then it talked about seeking help and being on medicines like Lithium which is like a diuretic.
So we were done with the book. Not much talking or commenting on her part – just listening to my reading. I do know that I said those words like urinary and incontinence and such freely. In the past it was hard to even say them. I didn’t like it – saying them – but I did even feeling weird about it. I didn’t say a word about how I felt about any of this. She did say how much I’ve done for this problem instead of just sitting on it. I’ve gone to the doctor, trying this bladder training, taking the computer classes, got this book and such. I said yes but I want something to work. I can’t remember what she said to that but I’m guessing that I have to give them all a chance and see what happens.
I think time was up about now and the doctor still hadn’t come to the phone. We talked more about my trip and what to do. I told her if you rent a car it doesn’t go by mileage and if it’s a week it’s about the same cost (I think I said this second part). I’m not sure where to fly back from – up north or take the car back south. She said it costs more to return it in a different location. I told her I knew that. I can fly in south and see my aunt first. I asked her airports up north and she told me 3 of them. I asked her what she uses. She said any of them – which ever is cheaper.
Then we talked about me going down the beautiful highway back. She says it’s gorgeous and thinks it would be good for me for my alone time. Taking the trip out there for 3 days alone might be too much and this wouldn’t. I could stop and spend the night somewhere if I want. I can see the sights. She mentioned some. I said I’ve always been with people and I guessed people do that alone. She nodded they did.
I said how I told my son I don’t just want to go out there and help him move. I want to do fun stuff too. But he’s a hands on person and I like to see. She said to let him do that (hiking and stuff) and I can do my thing. I said I’d like to go across that famous bridge (I’m sure she has many times) and told her I might need her to tell me what to do in that big city since she knows. In ending this she told me that’s what she thinks I should do but I’ll do what’s best for me.
She told me there are some dates in May we have to talk about. She got out her calendar. Monday the 3rd it sounded like she won’t be in the office in the morning so she put me down for 3:00. Then the week of the 17th she’ll be out of town. Where? In that far away state. “The whole week?” I grumbled. She said yes and acted like no big deal. Well .. no big deal for her but not for me. But I didn’t say. I did laugh and say if I go later we may be out there at the same time. She smiled.
It was five after by now. I was still holding for my doctor. What do I do? She said I’ll need to hang up and call back on my cell phone. Tell them I had to change phones. I said how they close at 4:30 (which was soon) and I really wanted her to hear. She shook her head no like she couldn’t anymore. She rarely says no to me. She did twice today. It doesn’t feel good. To me almost like she doesn’t care. So I left and she told me to have a nice weekend.
I went into my massage therapist who was waiting for me. I told her I have to make a phone call. I told her about the cyst and my period and such. I said my age and how I’m not supposed to be getting them any more but commented well, if it keeps me young. She said that’s right. So I called on speaker phone from my cell. They said he’s right there and will get my phone call in a second. He came to the phone.
I told him he was right. I got my period but maybe – just spotting. He said to call Monday and see what happened. I noted to him that I wasn’t able to do the ultrasound on a full bladder. Did that matter? He said that I can only try my best. I asked if I had to drink and do it again. He said yes and repeated to try and just do my best. He said I’d probably have the ultrasound on Thursday. So I hung up. I told my massage therapist I wanted to see if my therapist was available to let her know. Sure.
I went back there and the door was open. I called her name as I approached. She was standing and turned around. Looked like she was munching on something. I told her he answered right after and told her what he said. She listened. I also said, “I had to say it in front of her.” She just nodded and smiled. No conversation and she knows how I feel about telling others and wanting to keep things from my massage therapist. I wish we could have talked more about things but I guess it’s out of that one hour box she sometimes does. It’s almost like she dismisses things. Or maybe she’s tired of things. Well so am I! But I have to live with it and she doesn’t! And I need to deal with it and not not talk about it. She really could have waited with me for him to answer. She didn’t have anyone after me and she left just before I finished with my 10 minute massage (it was about 4:25 PM). OK … so that’s all for today. I feel some weird distance with her again. Something – I know.
Replies