mixed
i feel great. i am writing my papers, connecting with my friends and have even written two songs. i know i have a week left until a nice long break full of really great things. i have so much to look forward to. i am so close, as long as i don't blow it.
then there are times i don't remember. times when i'm aggressive, irritable, sexual and i can't remember it at all. i hurt people. i hurt myself. partying has gone from blacking out every once in a while to every time i drink. i wake up and wonder who i hurt, or who hurt me. i hate it, it sucks and it's going to be part of my new years' resolution.
i found this note, which i apparently wrote to myself a few weeks ago. this is what i hate about this "disorder:" i cannot remember how it feels to be in another "state" unless i'm in it. i feel great right now, a little hypomanic, maybe even a tad manic and i know more or less how i remember feeling at my lows but this note just really made me think...
i wish i had dated it, but that would be too logical of a thing for me to do.
today i woke up and felt fine, the clarity was refreshing, i could see what had to be done and my emotions weren't involved. planning my classes went well, i was feeling ok with the future. i felt possibility but not mania, i could keep track of my thoughts.
then i realized what i was about to do and the house of cards i'd so intricately barricaded around my moods fell in an instant. I was inconsolably sobbing. i feel isolated, self-deprecating and as if i disappointed virtually everyone in my life.
i want to get out of my head, i don't want to feel anything anymore. my heart felt like a rock and my head felt like it would explode.
i fantasized about falling. falling into an abyss or just falling asleep forever. i'm too much of a coward to be suicidal.
i'm afraid i will never be an independently functioning adult. i'm concerned about my epic proportions of self involvement. but my greatest fear is that i am making it all up.
the lines between reality and whatever else exists out there get more blurry by the day. i escape in drugs and alcohol.
i hate everything about myself.
now i just feel exhausted. like i just want it to end. i just want peace of mind. i want the constant noise and energy to stop.
am i hiding behind this?am i just not as smart and much lazier than i ever imagined? i have no passion. i have never felt so lost or isolated, which is funny because i have so many directions and deadlines and so many people who care but somehow i still feel totally alone. call me an existentialist.
i don't know who i am. i don't know where i end and "it" begins. i don't know if i'm making it up. i don't know if it will ever get better.
no one believes you, god doesn't even believe you, i don't believe myself
i might have ruined my life.
i just want to get high and feel good. or sleep dreamlessly for a few days.
what a waste of space, life and resources i am. i hate myself on so many levels right now. i can't stop thinking about it. IT WON'T STOP. PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP.
weird right? shit i should take my meds today.
must not fuck up these next 7 days. please, for all that is good in this strange world, let me get through these next 7 days without a fuck up.
then there are times i don't remember. times when i'm aggressive, irritable, sexual and i can't remember it at all. i hurt people. i hurt myself. partying has gone from blacking out every once in a while to every time i drink. i wake up and wonder who i hurt, or who hurt me. i hate it, it sucks and it's going to be part of my new years' resolution.
i found this note, which i apparently wrote to myself a few weeks ago. this is what i hate about this "disorder:" i cannot remember how it feels to be in another "state" unless i'm in it. i feel great right now, a little hypomanic, maybe even a tad manic and i know more or less how i remember feeling at my lows but this note just really made me think...
i wish i had dated it, but that would be too logical of a thing for me to do.
today i woke up and felt fine, the clarity was refreshing, i could see what had to be done and my emotions weren't involved. planning my classes went well, i was feeling ok with the future. i felt possibility but not mania, i could keep track of my thoughts.
then i realized what i was about to do and the house of cards i'd so intricately barricaded around my moods fell in an instant. I was inconsolably sobbing. i feel isolated, self-deprecating and as if i disappointed virtually everyone in my life.
i want to get out of my head, i don't want to feel anything anymore. my heart felt like a rock and my head felt like it would explode.
i fantasized about falling. falling into an abyss or just falling asleep forever. i'm too much of a coward to be suicidal.
i'm afraid i will never be an independently functioning adult. i'm concerned about my epic proportions of self involvement. but my greatest fear is that i am making it all up.
the lines between reality and whatever else exists out there get more blurry by the day. i escape in drugs and alcohol.
i hate everything about myself.
now i just feel exhausted. like i just want it to end. i just want peace of mind. i want the constant noise and energy to stop.
am i hiding behind this?am i just not as smart and much lazier than i ever imagined? i have no passion. i have never felt so lost or isolated, which is funny because i have so many directions and deadlines and so many people who care but somehow i still feel totally alone. call me an existentialist.
i don't know who i am. i don't know where i end and "it" begins. i don't know if i'm making it up. i don't know if it will ever get better.
no one believes you, god doesn't even believe you, i don't believe myself
i might have ruined my life.
i just want to get high and feel good. or sleep dreamlessly for a few days.
what a waste of space, life and resources i am. i hate myself on so many levels right now. i can't stop thinking about it. IT WON'T STOP. PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP.
weird right? shit i should take my meds today.
must not fuck up these next 7 days. please, for all that is good in this strange world, let me get through these next 7 days without a fuck up.
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