Missing You Stevan
Today I can hardly breathe I miss you more and more as the days go on. I ask God to let you come back home every day but I know that is impossible but I keep asking. I miss holding you and touching you and talking and especially laughing with you and at you. You never leave my mind, I can't concentrate at work because all I think of is you and how much I love and miss you my Stevie Boy. I have to try to not blame myself for what has happened because it will only hurt me more it will not bring you back. But the thought that maybe if I had made you go to the hospital the night before you would still be here haunts me 24/7 and I have to work through this on my own. I say I'm sorry to you every day and hope you forgive me but I did not know that pain in the neck and jaw were part of the signs for a heart attack but just the chest pain should have been enough even though you had just eaten Pizza. I am suppose to make a goal and I guess that goal will be to try and forgive myself for what happened and not blame me for your death which right now seems unthinkable even when everyone says I shouldn't I do. You always will be the 1st LOVE of my life and BEST FRIEND, you knew me inside and out and loved me for me, I am not a beauty queen by any means I am a TOM-BOY and you accepted me for that and I am grateful to you for loving me and sharing your life with me Stevan. I will always love you Always and Always, Forever and Ever
Laur
Laur
Replies
What an absolute beautiful tribute of love to your husband. The love you and he shared is a special thing that will always be a treasure.
My heart broke when you mentioned blaming yourself. No, it isn\'t your fault. With my own husband I could not MAKE him do anything... go to a different doctor, try a different Cancer Treatment Center or even follow a diet plan to boost the immune system to help fight the cancer. I spent many months blaming myself for not making him do these things. I finally realized we cannot make anyone do anything. This truly is not your fault. I do not say that just to be kind or to try to ease your pain. I say it because it is the trueth.
Please be kind to yourself. My heart goes out to you and I hope so much that peace and comfort will come to you. Many hugs of friendship to you.
Your story is so much like mine. I lost Cliff in November 2007. The night before he died, he complained of some indigestion, but he didn\'t have any of the classic signs of a heart attack. He felt a little tired, had a little indigestion, thought it was something he ate. He went to bed early, and I woke up the next morning with him gasping for breath, I thought he was choking. It was a massive heart attack. I couldn\'t save him. He died in my arms. I did CPR until the paramedics showed up, and 8 of them couldn\'t bring him back. Cliff was only 55. I blamed myself - it took a long time to realize and accept that it was not my fault, and that nothing could have saved him. It will take time, but you will realize it, too, I hope, that you are not to blame, and that we can\'t control everything nor can we know everything.
I have two sons on the autism spectrum who witnessed their Dad\'s death. They went through a lot of survivor guilt, too. Counseling helped all of us. I would encourage you to get counseling. Your kids may be able to get counseling through the guidance counselor at school or the school psychologist. My younger son received his at school, and his study team were all made aware of his grief. That helped, too.
I was a tomboy, too. Cliff said that even my imperfections were perfect - for him anyway. I know what you mean.
You will get through this. You aren\'t alone. You can message me anytime.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I\'m so sorry. The holidays make everything more intense with memories of the past. These questions of \"if I only\" are part of the emotions of loss. The answer is we don\'t control life or death, but we want so badly to correct what happened. Wishing you more. Sharon
Thank you all for your support and kind words and advice. You all are really truly helping me thru this with all you say. I am trying so hard to not blame myself and I know deep down that he would not want me to but it is part of the grieving process I guess and I need to work thru it and will I hope in time. Thank you all again and I hope the new year brings peace and love to all of you!
Laurie