Missing with every breath
I miss Rocky with every breath I take. I think of him wherever I am, whatever I am doing. I know he is with me. Not just in the literal sense of my wearing a locket with his ashes around my neck but in the spiritual sense. Still, that comforts me just so far. Ultimately I feel alone and then I feel guilty for feeling alone. Like somehow I'm supposed to be alright with this feeling that I have no words for. This feeling that part of me is missing. All those plans that had been awaiting us; all undone.
People tell me, in time things will get better. Perhaps they are right but that doesn't help me in the midst of another tidal wave crashing down upon me. I go through the motions of my day and somehow, miraculously, can work. My job requires me to be 100% present with people. Somehow I have managed to compartmentalize when I'm working. I chalk that up to a survival skill. It's in between working; and when I come home or even out shopping that it gets to me. I never know when it's going to hit and I never know when I'm going to cry. It's so overwhelming. This is so hard. I miss my soulmate and feel that it's so unfair that he was taken at age 53 suddenly; just when we were starting our lives together again after 35 years apart. So terribly unfair.
I know mine isn't the only story and sometimes when I read others' I feel guilty for feeling so sad. So many stories, so many heartaches, so many taken too soon and so sudden.
People tell me, in time things will get better. Perhaps they are right but that doesn't help me in the midst of another tidal wave crashing down upon me. I go through the motions of my day and somehow, miraculously, can work. My job requires me to be 100% present with people. Somehow I have managed to compartmentalize when I'm working. I chalk that up to a survival skill. It's in between working; and when I come home or even out shopping that it gets to me. I never know when it's going to hit and I never know when I'm going to cry. It's so overwhelming. This is so hard. I miss my soulmate and feel that it's so unfair that he was taken at age 53 suddenly; just when we were starting our lives together again after 35 years apart. So terribly unfair.
I know mine isn't the only story and sometimes when I read others' I feel guilty for feeling so sad. So many stories, so many heartaches, so many taken too soon and so sudden.
Replies
Oh sweetie . . no need to feel guilty for others\' losses here. We all walk our own journey and feel our own pain. You have a right to feel sad and alone. You have a right to get angry. You have a right to cry anywhere, anytime (except at work, I understand). Let your healing unfold. Yes, this is a tough journey and so seemingly unfair to all of us. We may not find the understanding that we long for, but we can work on acceptance ... but this takes time. (I know, I\'m tired of waiting for time also) I have to trust that the old-timers here are right and that it does get better. Hang in there. Hugs, D
Thanks, D. I appreciate your support and kind words.You are right, the old-timers here speak wisdom of their journey.
You have a wonderful strength of spirit that shows in your writing. You are in my thoughts, you\'re right, we are all going through the same thing, indifferent ways. Never feel selfish, your experience is unique to you.
Hugs and peaceful sleep tonight........Dandra
Oops.....Sandra Not Dandra
Thank you, Sandra! Hugs back atcha\'!