Missing my little Madeline
I delivered my Madeline Valentines Day morning at 22 weeks after discovering she had no heartbeat the night before. My husband and I decided to go to the emergency room after noticing my pants were wet, we just wanted to ease our minds and make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid. We had no idea that the Dr's would be telling us our little girl was gone. We have no answers as to why her heart stopped suddenly, after testing it was determined that there was nothing wrong with her and the wetness on my pants was not amniotic fluid. My OBGYN told me and my husband that our little girl was developing normally with no indications anything was wrong. We also found out through the testing that was done, that her heart stopped no more than 24 hours and no less than 12 hours before I went into the emergency room. I miss her everyday and feel this emptiness inside of me that I am afraid will never go away. My body feels alien, like I don't even know it anymore, and my mind does not shut off. But the hardest part for me is knowing that I will never know what caused her heart to stop. Even after testing no one can tell us why. When I delivered Madeline my husband and I decided to see and hold her. That was the hardest and best decision I could have made and I do not regret it at all. I am glad that I got to see that she had my nose and my husbands eyes, and I am glad that I have pictures of the three of us and of each of us holding her. I look at the pictures everyday and dream of what type of person she may have been. I think about all of the firsts we are going to miss, how I will never see her first smile, I will never hear her laugh or cry, never see her walk, or see her go to her first day of school. It gets easier and harder everyday to live with knowing I have lost my child and I know I will never be the same.
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When I lost my twins it was so hard and I\'m still going through it. It all just happened suddenly due to placenta problems. They suspected that was the only thing that caused it and they were right. The autopsy testing revealed no other \"reasons\" why it happened. I just want my Ava and Phoenix back. I cry and cry. I too had to buy new clothing because after I lost them, I gained weight and then lost some. I had hyperemesis while I was pregnant and lost because of little nutrients due to how much I threw up. I was on so many I v medicines and had a port in my arm for weeks before this happened and that was there for ten days after I lost them. I can\'t believe I went through all that and am not holding them in my arms. I will always be angry and sad about it. The throwing up made me used to no calories, so my body picked up weight and then started tapering off and lost some. Needing new clothes added to the stress and I was forced to go back to work less than a week after it happened because they said I was a day short of twenty weeks when I know I was at least about two weeks further. We had things checked a week before this happened and they were okay. I have to go to grief counseling and I still can\'t speak outload about it due to crying. If I do, I can\'t tell any further than I had a late term miscarriage and a d and c. That\'s all I\'ve managed to say. I have more nightmares every night. We are both heartbroken. My boyfriend says I\'m lashing out too much and need the counseling. I don\'t think I can get a word out edgewise but I\'ll try. Maybe they can help him learn to help me through this a little more if I have to run out the room again. It\'s like torture for me because I have flashbacks that are very vivid and I\'m forced to see pregnant relatives and coworkers everyday when I don\'t even feel like getting out of bed. I have to turn a movie off if I see or hear a baby unit or see a pregnant women (even one that\'s just acting and playing someone who is pregnant). My sister was upset because she had to turn off a show because it had a pregnant woman in it. I just couldn\'t handle it. I\'m with you on it feeling like it just gets harder. I feel like I\'ve lost all hope and everything I\'ve ever desired and hoped for. Why is this so easy for some people and so hard for us?