Missing my best friend
Keep reading that writing a journal will be very helpful in this journey of sorrow. Well I'll give it a try because the hurt sometimes feels to bad to endure.
I lost my husband 1/28/15 a week after he had by-pass and valve replacement surgery. After such a great loss I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Shoulda-woulda-coulda goes through my mind, or lets say only if's. I am now living a life that used to be awesome, with plans for when he got better, to a life of not even wanting to get out of bed. Forcing myself to take care of the critters, do chores, eat, sleep and not cry.
So those are my goals for now, to do what needs to get done, sleep a normal nights sleep without any aids, eat healthy, but mostly not cry.
I lost my husband 1/28/15 a week after he had by-pass and valve replacement surgery. After such a great loss I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. Shoulda-woulda-coulda goes through my mind, or lets say only if's. I am now living a life that used to be awesome, with plans for when he got better, to a life of not even wanting to get out of bed. Forcing myself to take care of the critters, do chores, eat, sleep and not cry.
So those are my goals for now, to do what needs to get done, sleep a normal nights sleep without any aids, eat healthy, but mostly not cry.
Replies
I definately recommend journally. It has helped me emensely. Just writing your feelings down helps lower your anxiety. I go back and read mine and I am amazed at my insight. Yes it makes me sad but it also shows me how far I have come.
Hugs, Sandi
3 weeks without Ray. I look at his picture above the fireplace and cry everyday as I talk to him. I still can\'t believe he\'s gone. There is so many things I want to say to him. To let him know how much I did love him. He died so unexpectedly, had surgery and was to be on the road to recovery, 3 weeks, 3 more weeks and he\'d be able to drive and do a lot more. He had such plans for the future, travel, fish together more. All I wanted was life to continue how it was. Really I would give anything to have his crabby know it all voice telling me what to do, how to do it back. He was all bark and no bite. I now realize this place was for me because he loved me. Wish it would bring back the same joy it used to. Ray I am so sorry, wish I had been a better more loving wife to you, you deserved it. So misunderstood you were. You were a great man!
Bad day today, cold outside, snow and alone in this house. I have my 2 dogs and glad because if there was an easy way to end it I would. But these 2 fur babies would have no one to love them....God took my husband, why then does he make the grieving so horrible?
SATURDAY, rough stock bull riding at the local arena. I haven\'t been out of the house except to do chores in over a week. Guess I\'ll go see some youngsters eat dirt. Really don\'t want to leave the house, but tired of the pitty party funk I am in..
Today Sunday 2-22-2015 was a good day though I most likely am not appreciating it enough. My son, his lady and her 2 kids had me over for the day and a nice lunch. I\'m sad and feel as though I am a burden, really at first hated being in the house and did what I could to be out of it. Now nearing 4 weeks after loosing Ray, all I want is to be in the house and cry. When will it start to be better and I can enjoy life again..This is so not me, I am the together one..
Monday 7am.. shed just a few tears, no massive crying yet..LOL
Need to get a few things done, go to town and come home to be alone. Ray would have been on his 4th week of recovery after surgery, wonder what my life would have been like had he lived to recover as he was supposted to do. Hoping spring and warmer weather make life a bit easier..at least there will be more to do..
Tuesday, my normal routine now is wake up around 4 am and think...miss Ray a ton and cry for my loss. Get up because the dogs want out, and then go and talk to Ray\'s picture in the living room. Pretty much appologize for not getting him help sooner, not reallizing something was wrong that could be fixable, not old age. Appologize for not being a better wife and thanking him for the wonderful husband he was. Still hate life, some days are easier though and actually finding out I have a few friends that i didn\'t realize would be there for me..Thank you God for I am blessed..
WEDNESDAY, 1 month without Ray..Wish I could join him now, wish I could tell him he was a great husband, he would often ask me if I thought he was a good husband. I should have been the kind of wife that he didn\'t feel he should ask that. Why did I take him for granted? I feel so horrible, that I should have been a better wife to him , made him feel more important. I wish I knew what really was in him mind and know what I know now, things, I would have been so different.
Friday 2-27, looks like March is shaping up to be a busier month..Hope so, need to keep my mind busy. Don\'t understand, when Ray was here with me never realized how much I really did love him. Wish I could tell him, he\'d feel so much better. I think he was insecure in many ways. So many little things that anoyed me or things that I took for granted I miss so much now. Will I live forever in a life of regrets? God I just want to tell him so many things..
Ramar I\'m sorry you feel so bad. All I can offer is that your not alone. I lost my Jalee 5 weeks before you lost Ray. I also took care of my wife 24/7. Craving alone / me time. Now I have to much. Every thing you say I have to say about Jalee. So many things I wish I had said and not said. Don\'t beat yourself up over this. He knew how much you loved him. The times you weren\'t at your best, that\'s only because you knew you\'d be forgiven. AND you were. They tell me in time things will get easier. We / You have to move forward. Ray and Jalee want us to feel better. Feel better please. Guy
Sunday, MARCH 1ST Made it through a whole month. Time hangs heavy on my hands, so alone. In thinking I see why the 1st year is so hard. Every day brings memories of past times with your spouse. Snowy day, I think \"what would Ray and I have done today\" or I put on a TV show we watched together. We liked the same shows pretty much. Saw a special on PBS with Peter, Paul & Mary giving their political views, so wanted to talk with Ray about what they were saying. Ray was so into politics and knew most everything. AT least I agreed with him on most points.
Had a scammer \"friend\" me. Name is \"chrisde\" people ask to be my friend I accept..Can\'t have to many fiends I say. LOL Well his picture was so cute, said he was 39, dah I\'m 61 but maybe he felt safe writing to an older woman. I questioned his age, he said it was a typo he was 58 but the picture was him now. Nope sorry, sure the guy in the picture is at best in his 40\'s. But ya know had fun writing and getting written back too. I did report him, his written english was horrible, not just non educated, but foreign scam written. So I am sure I won\'t get any more messages, darn was fun while it lasted..
Today lots of snow, 4-5\" but need to move around hay, son and grandson will help. Goats hate snow so stay in their sheds, will feed them in their sheds..Not much else going on..just sad and lonely..But not lonely for another person, lonely for Ray!
I just finished ironing the last of Ray\'s T-shirts that I laundred before he died. They\'ve been sitting on the ironing board waiting...I cried knowing this is the last time I will do this, the t\'s will be given to my son. I\'ll think of Ray when he wears them, they all have some sort of fishing logo\'s on them. Right now I hate memories yet hold them dear, still wish I\'d leave this world and be with Ray, my being here has no purpose or joy!
Monday, March 2nd..hope today is a better day, the weekend was really overwhelming for me. 1 mo. Today any time I start to cry I change what I do and do something to take my mind off of missing Ray...
tuesday 3-3-15 The daytime brings me full of anger, not feeling any better about my situation, life in general or the future. By the time I get to nighttime I am more at piece with my life. Sitting by myself, very much alone but not as depressed and angry as I am during the day. I don\'t understand why during the day I do all the chores I always did alone that it bothers me so much. I look out across the fields that not very long ago I walked and told myself how much I loved my life and hope it would never change. Well it has changed, my outside time is the same as it was before but it is the inside life that is so different, very long days. I have Ray\'s picture on my desk right and I look at it. His smile, physical body is so familiar. Hard to believe he\'s not sitting in the next room.
I recieved a Sympathy card from his ex-wife. Married to her when he was 21, she 19, lasted 2 yrs. She is divorced from her 2nd marriage and he died 2 yrs after the divorce. Guess she was lonely and looked Ray up, found his address and saw he had died. Sent me a card and a note. I wrote back to her, told her about our marriage, how we were happy and lived on a lake where he could fish whenever he wanted. She wrote back and said she was glad because all he talked about when they were married so long ago was how he wanted to live on a lake and fish all the time. He got his wish..I am so glad! I got my wish as I always wanted to live on a farm with a lot of animals..We were 2 lucky people..
3/7/15 Waiting on a friend to head off and run dogs in a Field Trial near KC. Should be heading out with Ray, he so enjoyed watching the pointers run in trials. Friend Cindy came over yesterday and we practiced with her dogs, talked about how much we\'ll miss Ray gunning for us and his political talks. LOL
Son Jasen and his wife Ingrid left for home around noon Friday. Now the house is so empty again. Didn\'t cry while they were here for 2 days but cried as they left and on/ off all day. Just walking around in the fields reminds me of times with Ray. So much of him is here. I really can\'t wait for a time when thoughts and memories of Ray brings a smile to my face instead of tears to my eyes.
Last night son Pete stopped by coming home from work. Guess he felt I\'d be sad. Pete is the only one I can eally talk to about what i feel and think about this whole situation. He also gets tears in his eyes missing Ray. He is such a great kid..
Well need to freshin my face from the new tears, need to put on a happy face and smile..At least it\'s a day of not being here and hopefully not thinking about Ray to often. Life still sucks, still want to curle up in a ball and die so I cna be with Ray. Just have a mission to clean up everything here at home so it\'s tidy when I die..